That is precisely what started the
rebellion in me. You see I have been asking God for 2 years to restore our relationship.
Why when my ex is feeling like that, haven’t God fixed it. I look at my
children and it intensifies all my emotions. My son is walking around with a
permanent thunder cloud above his head and my daughter is acting out all the
time. There’s constant conflict between them and I truly believe it’s because
they have all these emotions inside that they don’t know how to express. Add to
that the fact that my ex is convinced that I am turning our children against
him and it’s no wonder they don’t know whether they are coming or going.
Yesterday a friend and I had a very frank
discussion and I decided that I have to sort this out with God. My peace was
gone and I am sick of living with this hope inside me. The Bible says that God’s heart is for
families. So WHY HAVEN’T HE RESTORED my family? Why do my children have to deal
with all this crap?
So last night at 2h45 precisely I believe He
gave me His answer.
Let me start at the beginning 20 years ago.
On the 5th February 1994 we stood before God and made our marriage
vows. A marriage that I now believe was
never God’s will for my life. You see I didn’t ask His opinion about the man I
was about to marry, because I had no relationship with God then. It was my
decision and mine alone. God wants the best for His children and therefore, for
several reasons I am not going to discuss now, I cannot believe that He thought
my ex was the best for me.
The problem is people make there own
decisions re the person they are going to marry and then go and stand in the church
in front of a God they don’t know and make those sacred vows, walking out
expecting God’s blessing and then wonder why their marriage is a disaster.
All we did on the 4th February
was do in front of God what satan wanted us to do, but we did not have God’s
protection, because we did not know Him. We actually made a promise we did not
understand and had no intentions of keeping. We did not understand what a godly
marriage really meant and therefore it was impossible for us to have one. Our
marriage never once looked like the marriage God intents for His children to
have.
However God is a God of mercy and He can
turn anything satan throws at us into something beautiful. We just never asked
Him to do that in our marriage. We never asked Him to turn something that was probably
never meant to be, into something that was meant to be and had His blessing as
well. After we separated, a very dear friend said to me that it takes two
people to come and sit around the table for God to restore our marriage. I was
there, but my ex wasn’t and still isn’t. Despite what he feels, he is in
essence a selfish person and a “runner”. He never could and still can’t face
his problems and that is why he always takes the easiest way out. The way, that
causes him the least amount of discomfort. I don’t judge him for that, because
I can now see how things that happened during his childhood, made him who he is
today and to be honest I can’t blame him for that. It rather makes me sad to
see him not be all he can be, because he simply don’t understand that he
doesn’t have to accept feeling the way he does.
Thus I am still where I was 2 years ago. No
restoration in site, but now I had let go of that hope. God gave him 2 years to
allow God to restore our marriage, but he couldn’t take the opportunities he
was given. I am still sitting with my emotions and satan still uses them
against me every opportunity he gets. The difference now is that I have
accepted the fact that my ex cannot fight for his family, because he simply
don’t know how and that is ok.
I realise now it was a false hope based on
what I believed my ex can be, but the reality is a very different thing.
Another good friend told me that God can only work when we give Him substance
to work with. Although I believe that my ex has all the substance, because God
made him, he doesn’t know how to obtain that substance so that God have something
to work with. Does that mean he won’t be happy in his new life? No I believe he
will be happy, but I also believe he will never see the heights he was meant to
see.
As for me, I made peace with God and have
accepted that I will probably never see the restoration of our relationship.
Does it make me sad? Not really, because my feelings for my ex are gone. Everything I hoped for was also based on the believe, that God, if given the chance, would have renewed everything about our relationship, including my love for him.
It makes me sad for my children, because they are the one's that are paying the price now. All I really have to deal with now is my anger at my situation, for
the things my children have to go through thanks to myself and my ex. I know
now that controlling my emotions is what I need to do. In 2 Tim 1:7 it says
that God have not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and SELF
CONTROL. Something that has been lacking in my life for some time now. I know
that because I am a child of God I have His Spirit in me and therefore can
control the things I allow access to, in my life. I am busy closing all the
doors I have opened up the last month or two and already I am feeling more at
peace. Most important, I once again can see God’s hand in my life and know more
than ever that He only has good intentions for my life. Every time my life
derails, it is because of something I did and not because of something God
didn’t do.
A
last warning before I say good-bye. For all the people out there who are
thinking of getting married. If you are a child of God, make sure you know Him
in your choice of marriage partner. If you are not a child of God, be careful
to make those vows in front of God expecting His blessing and protection, if
you are not willing to also start a relationship with Him. He can only turn
your mess into a blessing if you allow Him to do it. If you don’t and your
marriage turns into a disaster, don’t blame God. Have the guts to put the blame
where it belongs, squarely on your own shoulders. He was just enough to allow
you your own choices, now you be just enough and take the consequences of those
choices.
