Getting rid of the Chaos Monkeys.

A couple of months after my ex moved out, I was having some trouble with my children. They were grieving the “loss” of their father and to be honest I simply did not know how to deal with it. At times they were impossible and then things would go well for a while. During one of these impossible stages I connected with an acquaintance from school on facebook. She also went through the ugliness of a divorce and I asked for some advice. So after that we would now and again make comments or write a message. End of last year I heard the good news that she was getting married again and low and behold was moving to George. So in February we met for coffee and immediately hit it off.

We started meeting regularly and after one such meeting at my house, she came to me and being the straight forward person that she is, told me there is heaviness in my house and we need to get rid of it. She said I had what she called a monkey spirit in my house. Basically she told me my house is chaotic and in truth I had to agree with her. I haven’t bothered for a year with my house. I always wanted to fix my house up, but while I was married there just never were any money and afterwards I just didn’t have the heart. Also my ex was very artistic so I always felt insecure making suggestion re interior decorating. After the first couple of times having to hear that I had no artistic talent, I stopped trying. I tend to keep things, for in case I might need it. My cupboards were full to overflowing with stuff I haven’t used in ages and probably never will. So we declared a state of emergency.

The Sunday of Easter Weekend it was raining and my children were both sick, so I decided to skip church. About mid-morning my friend called and said she wanted to come over and have a look at what we’re going to do with my house. So we had coffee and started going from room to room discussing what to do. All done and with a plan in our heads we went back to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. As we sat talking about things to be done, she got this gleam in her eyes and the next moment I was carrying buckets full of water, Hand Andy and rags. Before I knew what hit me, I was busy throwing out old Tupperware, washing cupboards and walls, moving stuff, ectr.  My friend had decided not to wait, because then it would have probably taken me another month before I started, but to give me a little push in the right direction. By the time it was time for her to leave, my kitchen was in total chaos. Eventually I finished the next morning and there were 5 bags of rubbish that I threw out. I worked my ass off, but the end result was absolutely worth it.

 

 

                                                              ½ hour after we started.

Next room was my bathroom. I took of the dark curtains, my sister sponsored me with some beautiful towels, put some beads and lace in front of the window, a couple of candles and some flowers and I ended with the nicest looking bathroom I ever had. I loved bringing in colours into my house. Pre divorce our colour scheme consisted of black and black and some more black. Probably a reflection on some part of my ex’s soul, but I have had enough of depression, despair and all the negative things in life. I wanted COLORS. Sad thing about it is that I have been so repressed and oppressed by my ex’s lack of approval and encouragement, that I didn’t even know what colours I liked. My friend told me, it doesn’t matter what it looked like, as long as I liked it. The rest of the house followed, as well as the garden. The children went back to their own room and I got myself some privacy again. There is still a lot to do, but luckily patience is one of the things I acquired during the last year. I am so very proud of what I have accomplished so far and I cannot wait to see what other ideas will come from the new me.

Rediscovering myself, my likes and dislikes, was the nicest thing that happened to me since my ex moved out. It was the first time I formed some idea of just how much I lost of myself during my marriage and how much was actually missing in my marriage. For the first time I could start to relate with people that said, I was lucky to be rid of him. For 20 years I gave to him and received very little back. I told someone the other day, we have always spoiled him and that is probably why he can walk all over people’s feelings and feel nothing. We have made excuses for him, ran when he wanted something, put up with his tantrums and as a rule stood on attention waiting to serve him. It was like being held prisoner by a spoiled little brat, who knows exactly how to manipulate his mother into giving him what he wanted. In the end my whole life revolved around keeping him happy and keeping the peace.

                                                        Here’s something to think about

 

 

A good teacher told me, once you start taking pride in your house and yourself again, you know you are healing. Take time to mourn the loss of your marriage and partner, but don't get stuck there. The world is open to you and one day you might actually realise what a close call you had. Be thankful for the chance of finding real happiness, I know I am.