The Blame Game

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago I had the privilege of becoming friends with quite a few divorced mothers with children. I say privilege, because these women really know what it means to be trampled on and stabbed in the back and despite that, they still found the strength to get up and provide a decent loving home for their children – ALONE! During this time we went through all the ups and downs of being divorced, together.

We shared the excruciating pain of being betrayed by the one person we loved most of all. We shared a shoulder to cry on when that same person unfairly criticised, blamed and insulted us – pushing that knife he stuck in our backs a bit deeper. We felt the stab of jealousy together, when the other woman was paraded in front of us. We shared the hurt and anger of our children. We helped each other with money or a plate of food when times got tough. We stood together trying to figure out how to drill a hole or start an obstinate car. We filled in forms and encouraged each other when we had to go to court – something most of us have never done before. We laughed and cried together. Somehow we made getting through a divorce bearable. We were abandoned, but not defeated.

Does this sound melodramatic? Well our lives became a horrible drama the minute we found out our husbands traded us in for another model. You could say I am being harsh now, but that is exactly how they made us feel. Suddenly the person that provided a home (note a home, not a house) to come back to after a day’s work, helped put food on the table, the mother of their children, their confidante and lover, was not good enough anymore.

So here’s the question I have been struggling with for over a year now:

Why is it then that despite the facts that all of us

·         Were betrayed and hurt by our husbands

·         Lost what most of us thought were our best friends and soul mates

·         Lost our dreams for our futures

·         Lost our security

·         Experience economic hardship because of the loss of an income

·         Had to move away in some instances from the familiar surroundings we were used to

·         Have to deal with our children going through the pain of a divorce and all the other problems associated with that on a daily basis – mostly alone

·         Lost friends

We are being blamed for EVERYTHING that was wrong before our divorces and is still wrong after our divorces. Haven’t we lost enough? Do we still need to now on top of everything else, have to carry the blame for everything that are (and probably always were) wrong in their lives.

Here are some of the things most of us are being blamed for after our divorces:

      ·         The infidelity and breakdown of our marriages.

·         Our kids having problems.

·         Destroying the father-child relationship.

·         The fact that the fathers don’t see their children anymore.

·         Dragging the father’s to maintenance court.

Sure enough it takes two people to make a marriage work and I can understand that in the devastating aftermath of finding out your partner cheated on you and the divorce that usually follows, things can be said that isn’t good for your children, but in my experience that usually works both ways. What I most of all don’t understand is how the breakdown of the father-child relationship can be laid solely in front of the mother’s door.

Wasn’t it the father who made the CHOICE to have an affair?

Wasn’t it the father who CHOSE to move out?

Isn’t it the father who CHOOSES not to pay maintenance, pleading poverty?

Isn’t it the father’s CHOICE to put the needs of his children first or last in his new life?

So how come, whenever things go wrong it IS THE BETRAYED PARTNER’S FAULT?????????

·        Is it because of our ALL CONSUMING HATRED of our exes?

·        Is it because of our INABILITY TO LET GO OF THE PAST?

·        Is it because WE ARE EMOTIONALY UNSTABLE?

·        Is it because suddenly we have become UNFIT MOTHERS?

·        Is it because WE ARE GREEDY AND WANTS TO RUIN THEM FINANCIALLY?

Just a few of the reasons given for why the betrayed are to blame for everything that did not go the way the betrayer wanted it to go after the divorce.

OR

·        Is it because of the GUILT our exes are feeling for tearing up their homes, rejecting their wives, wounding their children and jeopardising their futures, that everything gets blamed on us?

·        Is it possible that the consequences of their actions are catching up to them?

For two years all I ever got, was BLAMED, CRITISED and INSULTED!!!! AND I AM SICK OF IT!!!!

So I went to good old Google to try and find some answers and guess what I found……..

According to Dr Dobson (founder and chairman of the non-profit organisation focus on the Family), transferring blame to the betrayed, especially where infidelity was involved is NORMAL. The betrayer must apparently find a way to deal with the condemnation of their own conscience. By sifting blame to the betrayed, they construct a vigorous defence against moral condemnation. According to Dr Dobson there are 4 types of guilt:

·        Marital guilt – Here the betrayer first purifies his motives by saying things like “I know it will be hard, but someday you will understand that it really was for the best”. Basically telling you his is doing it for your own good. Secondly he will say things like “We should never have gotten married” and “This was your fault, you drove me to it by…….” It is designed to serve as an “annulment” to the marriage and not a cruel abandonment of a loved one. Thus making your marriage an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship that was ordained and cemented. Poof goes the wedding vows!

·        Parental guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “It will be hard on the kids, but in the long run it will be better for the children. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we have been. Besides they will always be my nr 1 priority.” (This one was my ex’s excuse). Zap! Zap! Guilt over the children is dealt with. Can you believe that their lives being torn apart, the hurt, fear and insecurity being introduced into their lives, can actually be a constructive thing? Guilt over children is apparently one of the toughest things to rationalize, but there are 1000’s of books out there that will help them silence their writhing conscience. I should know. Didn’t I get send all kinds of articles justifying destroying a child’s life.

·        Social guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I am sure our friends won’t understand, but like I told Frank the divorce really was no one’s fault. We just outgrew each other” or “I have given my entire life to everyone else, surely I am entitled to do what’s best for me” There by selfishness is purified and made to appear altruistic. Three down and one to go.

·        Divine guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I prayed long and hard about it and I am certain this is what God wants me to do” There it is, if God has decided the divorce is in the best interest of everybody, then there is no point discussing it any further. Conversation over. Guilt is expunged. Self-respect is restored. Having settled the “big four”, every moral and spiritual obstacle is removed. The stage is set for divorce.

That settles blaming the betrayed up until the divorce, but what about after the divorce.

It is no secret that relationships between fathers and children deteriorate after divorce. I see it in my own situation. Does this mean that all divorced fathers are disinterested or irresponsible? NO! There are many obstacles that make it hard for a father to maintain a good relationship with his children. (All brought on by his own actions, in my opinion). Does that however give the dad the right to always just assume it is the ex-wife’s fault when things between him and his children start to deteriorate? NO!

More than anybody I know how important it is for my children to have their father in their lives. It doesn’t matter how much I hate my ex (which I btw don’t), as a mother my children’s needs come first and that means having a relationship with their father. I sat crying with my child because things aren’t going well between him and his dad, I have tried to explain to my ex what I see, but all I get for my trouble is being accused of causing the riff and at the same time I run the risk of losing my son’s trust. Is it worth my son getting upset with me for trying to share his feelings with his dad? If it helps him have a better relationship with his dad, you bet it is. So why is it so difficult for my ex to believe that maybe he is the problem and not me.

According to research the following was found to be the main causes of deteriorating relationships between children and their fathers:

      ·        Re-marriage, they feel jealous and replaced by the new wife and step                 children. They feel they don’t get enough alone time with their father.  
            They also feel they have no or not enough say in the decisions being made
            concerning them.

·        Financial and lifestyle changes were something else, children blamed their fathers for. While they had to suffer, their dad was living it up with his new family.

·        Some blamed the mothers claiming their mother’s words and father’s actions never add up.

·        In the case of adultery, often children feel they cannot forgive the adulterer.

According to Ahron’s research: In a study more than 1/3 blamed their fathers for the deterioration in their relationship. They felt more anger than sadness about the loss.

According to a divorced dad, another reason for disappearing, is shame and guilt. They feel sadness at what they have lost and because they can’t deal with it they become angry, blaming the person causing the sadness. Because they don’t know how to deal with their emotions they try to avoid it and in the process abandon their children.

Often fathers don’t fully understand the effects of divorce on their children. Instead of always blaming the mother, please for the sake of your children, have a look at yourself for a change and mothers if you are guilty, bury the hatchet. In the long run you will only make yourself sick over a man that isn’t worth it and the innocent children are the one’s suffering. If you are having problems with negative feelings towards your ex, please speak to someone who has been divorced for some time and who has dealt with all the negative feelings. I can guarantee you, most of them will say they are better off after the divorce.

Here are some advice experts give to divorced fathers to help maintain the relationship between them and their children.

·        Stay close to home.

·        Pay child support.

·        Deal with your negative feelings towards your ex.

·        Keep regular contact with the children, phone, email, ectr

·        Stick to the visitation schedule.

·        Be honest with them, even if it is difficult. You have to build their trust in you again.

·        Have alone time with the children.

·        If you want to pursue a relationship, WAIT!!! Give the children time to deal with the hurt of your divorce, before introducing someone new to them.

·        Let your children have a say in things that concerns them – LISTEN to them.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I really want my children to have a relationship with their father, but at the same time I have taken enough emotional abuse, being called and accused of all kinds of horrible things by my ex. Just for once in your life have the guts to look at yourself and really see who and what you have become. Look at yourself and realise who your children are seeing. Stop using everything, BUT your own actions, as an excuse for what is happening between you and your children. You made your bed, now please lie in it. The sad thing is that, whether because of guilt or pride a lot of fathers will never look at themselves and in the process will probably lose the most precious thing in their lives, their children.