Hardened Hearts

In my previous blog I wrote about remarriage and one of the things that caught my eye was that an unfaithful partner won’t come back because he/she has hardened their hearts. That is very often the reason for going through with the divorce. I have seen it in my ex. The things I have been accused of and the things he has said to me have been at times so hurtful, that I have wondered whether he ever really knew me. The sinner in me of course let him have it back. I understand today why someone that had such a soft heart, can turn into someone with no heart or compassion for anybody. It is such a disturbing thing to see, that I wanted to know how I can help him.

You see when someone hardens their heart, their spirit will die. It’s like when you allow a wound to fester long enough, you will end up with septicaemia and anyone who has ever worked in a hospital will know it will kill you if left untreated. The sad thing I realised after reading about a hardened heart is that you can do nothing to help. Only that person can allow the wound to be opened and cleanse.

So what causes people to harden their hearts?

First a person with a hardened heart does not necessarily have to be a God hater. Christians can also have a hardened heart without even realising it. Like this one author put it: “if you relate more to the natural than the supernatural, you have a hardened heart.”

What is the definition of hardened? unfeeling, cold, insensitive, unyielding.

A hardened heart is to commit the soul in a spirit of disobedience, sell-will, stubbornness and rebellion against God’s Will.

If I have to be completely honest, then I have also had a hardened heart re certain aspects of my life. It closes your eyes and ears to the supernatural. You see and hear in the natural, but not in the spiritual. That is precisely what satan wants and why he is the victor in so many peoples’ lives on earth. He blinds a person for the awesome power of God. You may see and hear of it, but a hard heart prevents you from understanding it. You cannot take it and make it part of your life. It is all about where your heart lies. When something is important to you, you have a heart for that something. Your heart will soften towards it. It’s about where your focus is.

Most people find it difficult to believe in the supernatural, because it is easier and saver to believe in something you can see. That is why fear plays such an important role in our lives. If you think back you will realise what role fear played in your life. It distorts things and leads to anger, stress, rebellion, depression, ectr. When you really start to see and understand the supernatural, fear becomes something of the past.

A hardened heart is always a voluntary act of the mind/will. When you make a decision about something, soon your thought processes, which is directed by your mind/will, will direct your emotions, by using your intellect to help align your emotions to a place where it will support the decision your mind has made. So if you take a stance against God, you will use your intellect to only entertain thoughts that will sustain emotions that will justify your decision. You end up having a one sided view and prejudice against everything God is.

You will find that they will often use and attack the church as a reason to justify their feelings. Their view of God and the church can border on blasphemy, blaming religion and their experiences with religion for it. They will use real or suppose sins by religious people to back up their claims. They will often speak half-truths, without ever making an effort to find out about a subject. Often they have persuaded themselves that their believes are the full truth. It is impossible to discuss anything with such a person, because he refuses to look at the other side of the coin.

They often are ashamed of God and will not openly confess Christ. Pride plays such a big role in such a person maintaining their stance, especially in the presence of family and friends. The only time they might open up is when you speak to them alone. They will not confess to having any feelings re religion in the presence of others, not even in front of someone who really cares about them.

They often are too proud to confess to a wrong and make restitution and therefore will stubbornly refuse to acknowledge anything before God or man. They know if they confess, they will also have to make restitution. They point blank refuse to repent, because that will mean God’s will and not their will anymore.

They often become angry when spoken to about this. They will often in an attempt to strengthen their stance, indulge more in a particular sin.” Cutting of their noses, to spite their faces.” They would rather walk around without a nose, than confess and repent.

They will often follow the crowd when it comes to God. Unbelief is their greatest crime.

They often do not have any confidence in any man. Very often it is because they themselves deserve no confidence of anybody. When someone is trustworthy and good hearted, they will often see only the good in others and not be suspicious of the motives of others. The same goes for people who don’t trust others. They often have a wicked heart. They judge others according to their own standards.

They often are very selfish, only thinking of what they want. They will often not care how their actions affect others and will always justify their actions. They resist any kind of authority. They do not allow moral values to dictate their lives, because that will go against their self-will.

Many have just put of the decision re God for so long that it has become a way of life. They have gotten stuck in a comfort zone and it is too much effort to do anything that will take them out of that comfort zone. They often think that God will wait for them. It is the same as saying to God “I know the claim is just, but I cannot/ will not pay it.”

There is often a sense of guilt involved, because deep down they know they are wrong. They know that refusing to obey God and then to justify it as well is a direct and serious insult to God. Not only do they resist God, but they pour contempt over His offers of mercy. They will do everything in their power to justify rejecting God’s mercy.

The real guilt lies in the violation of such a person’s moral obligation to love God and thy neighbour; in their refusal to see the good of God and the universe.

If you continue to harden your heart, you run the risk of never getting to know God, never finding salvation. You accept and choose eternal death. God said He will give you so much time and then you will be delivered to His wrath. He will harden your heart even more, making it impossible for you to turn around and find salvation. I never want to be in a position where God has hardened His heart for me. It is too terrible a thought to even contemplate. Only if you really don’t know and understand the power of God, can you make the decision to put yourself in that position. Only pride and selfishness can make you think you can go up against the Creator of all and win the fight. If you are not for God, you are against Him and then you are fighting a losing battle. God already overcame satan and only a person that has truly lost their senses can willingly choose to take up the spiritual battle, fighting on the side of him who has already lost.

The question is?

Are pride and your self-will really worth eternal death? Most people with hardened hearts have met God, they have no excuse and God will also see it that way. In the end you only spite yourself. If you cannot picture spiritual death, go put your hand inside the flames of a fire and keep it there for 1 minute. Then ask yourself the question: What if I am wrong about the power, authority and punishment of God?

Remarriage - yes or no?

I think it is only natural for a divorced person to eventually want to marry again. As a Christian I wanted to know what God said about remarriage. There are a lot of opinions on the internet some are obviously not God’s will but people wanting to do what they want to do. They are using scripture and God’s Grace selectively to justify continuing living in sin. However it is not what people think that counts, but what God said. I must admit that after reading some of the articles I was in tears. One of the authors put it like this: Divorce and remarriage is a matter of eternity in heaven or hell. It seemed that if I wanted to stay in God’s will I had two choices, my ex or eternal death. All the anger I felt for my ex boiled over again. After I calmed down I went back to check the articles again, just to make sure I understood it correctly.

It’s a very clear that God hates divorces. Malachi 2:16 “For the Lord the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment (his wife) with violence”. Not only does He hate divorce, it also removes you from fellowship with God. Malachi 2:13 “And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears (shed by your unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives) and with (your own) weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it with favour at your hand.”

Why does God hate divorce? Malachi 2:14 “Yet you ask why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness (to the covenant made at your marriage) between you and the wife of your youth.” When two people (Christian and non-Christian alike) get married, they don’t only get married on paper (legally), but also in front of God. God has made man and woman one, joined inseparably to his wife, they shall be one flesh. Matt 19:4-6 “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate).” A divorce ends the legal aspect of marriage, but it does not free you from the covenant between you and God. Malachi 2:14 Divorce does not end the aspect of marriage that God joined together.

Consider the following scriptures:

"Whosoever dismisses (repudiates and divorces) his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her. And if a woman dismisses (repudiates and divorces) her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." (Mark. 10:11-12) Also read Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, Luke 16:18, Matt 5:28

So what does this mean?

Jesus makes it clear that divorce is not adultery; it is a serious act of defilement against the spirit and every other aspect of the marriage. Adultery happens after remarriage, because although divorce sets them free legally, God did not set them free. The sin of adultery can only occur if one or both of the persons involved is married. If neither of the persons is married the term adultery cannot be used. When Jesus said that "whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery", He was stating that when a man marries a divorced woman he is living with another man's wife and therefore is guilty of adultery. Divorce does not make a man or a woman single again. Divorce does not end a person's first marriage. That is why a person commits adultery when they marry and live with a divorced person. Adultery could not occur in remarriage if divorce ended the first marriage. Adultery can only occur in remarriage because the divorced spouse is still married to their first marriage partner in Jesus' judgment. (Jesus is the Judge we will stand before one day and it is important that we understand how He feels about divorce and remarriage.)

God states that the sexual intercourse of a divorced and remarried couple is adultery. Therefore each time they have sexual intercourse they commit an act of adultery. As they continue to have sexual relations and there is no repentance, it becomes a state of adultery. Therefore, adultery in remarriage is both an act each time it occurs, and a continuing state of sinning. The action of remarriage is not adultery it is the sexual act that is adultery. One is guilty of sin before God until they have repented of the sin and stopped the sin. One cannot repent of the "act" adultery but continue in it and expect God to ignore the fact that they are continuing to commit adultery.

Read what one of the authors further said re divorce:

The interesting illustration of God and Israel's divorce

In Jeremiah 3 God states that He gave Israel a certificate of divorce. However at no point did that annul or end the covenant that He had made with the ten northern tribes of Israel even though Israel had married other gods. Jeremiah 3:1 says "They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD." In spite of the command by Moses in Deut. 24:1-4 that a divorced woman could not return to her first husband, in Jer. 3:1 God says to Israel, "Yet return again to me."

God infers that the instruction given in Deut. 24:1-4 on divorce and remarriage is not a command that He gave to Moses. God says in Jer. 3:1 "They say" not "I said" in referring to Deut. 24:1-4. He then goes on to ignore the command that a divorced woman may not return to her first husband by saying "yet return again to me."

Jesus also implied that divorce and remarriage in Deut. 24:1-4 was something that Moses permitted because the people demanded it, but it was not a permission that God gave. Jesus said that from the beginning it was not so. In Matt. 19:8 Jesus said, " Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so." Jesus at no point indicated that Deut. 24:1-4 was a command that God gave to Moses. Hardness of heart is refusing to believe what God has said and is sin. Jesus could not endorse the excuse of hardness of heart as justification to do the opposite of what God had said.

In addition we see that divorce and remarriage did not end God's marriage covenant with Israel. In Jer. 3:1-8 God says: " They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD. 2 Lift up thine eyes unto the high places, and see where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast thou sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness; and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms and with thy wickedness. 3 Therefore the showers have been withholden, and there hath been no latter rain; and thou hadst a whore's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed. 4 Wilt thou not from this time cry unto me, My father, thou art the guide of my youth? 5 Will he reserve his anger for ever? will he keep it to the end? Behold, thou hast spoken and done evil things as thou couldest. 6 The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot. 7 And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. 8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also."

God asks Israel to return. He says in v. 14 "For I am married unto you" (even after divorce and remarriage!) Jer. 3:12-14 "Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever. 13 Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the LORD thy God, and hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green tree, and ye have not obeyed my voice, saith the LORD. 14 Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:"

Ezekiel was younger than Jeremiah. Ezekiel wrote from captivity in Babylon after Israel's divorce. He testifies that God's covenant with Israel was not ended by divorce and remarriage. Ez. 20:40-44 "For in mine holy mountain, in the mountain of the height of Israel, saith the Lord GOD, there shall all the house of Israel, all of them in the land, serve me: there will I accept them, and there will I require your offerings, and the first fruits of your oblations, with all your holy things. 41 I will accept you with your sweet savour, when I bring you out from the people, and gather you out of the countries wherein ye have been scattered; and I will be sanctified in you before the heathen. 42 And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall bring you into the land of Israel, into the country for the which I lifted up mine hand to give it to your fathers. 43 And there shall ye remember your ways, and all your doings, wherein ye have been defiled; and ye shall lothe yourselves in your own sight for all your evils that ye have committed. 44 And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have wrought with you for my name's sake, not according to your wicked ways, nor according to your corrupt doings, O ye house of Israel, saith the Lord GOD."

What is clarified about divorce and remarriage by the example of God and Israel's divorce?

1. Neither divorce nor remarriage ends the first marriage. God said to Israel after He had given her a certificate of divorce, "For I am married to you" (Jer. 3:14) Therefore, in remarriage adultery occurs as if there had been no divorce.
2. God indicates, and Jesus confirms, that Moses' command allowing divorce and remarriage and prohibiting the returning to the first spouse after remarriage was not a command that God gave to Moses. It was something that Moses permitted because of the hardness of people's hearts, and is not one we are to follow, nor can we use it to justify divorce and remarriage. It was never God's will from the beginning. Matt. 19:8 "He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so."
3. God's desire is that the first marriage partners leave all other marriage partners, return, and be reconciled to each other. God said, "Yet return to me" (Jer. 3:1)

So when can you remarry then?

God also says, "So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man." Romans 7:3.  Also read Mark 12:24-25, 1 Cor 7:39

According to the scripture you can only remarry after your partner of your first marriage dies.

Isn’t that a bit unfair? What, as in my case where I had no choice in the matter and my adulterous spouse had no interest in saving the marriage, am I to do?

There are two "exception clauses" on divorce in Matthew. Matt. 5:32 states: "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

Almost all the authors stated that this scripture gives the innocent partner in the case of adultery the right to remarry. Great I thought I can remarry without committing adultery, until I read what this one author said.

Sounds straight forward, but then the one author put it like this.

If a man's wife committed adultery, how would her adultery keep him from committing adultery if he divorced her and remarried? Or to ask the question another way, is there any teaching or example in the Bible that would indicate that adultery by one marriage partner ends their marriage and makes them single again in God's eyes?

According to the Bible (Old and New Testament) the adulterers must be put to death. Deut 22:22 “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.”

Also read: Lev 20:10, Lev 21:9, Prov 6:32, Deut 25:11-12 (adultery causes death)

As shown above the following scriptures states what Jesus said about adultery – Matt 5:32 "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

Also read: Matt 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, Luke 16:18.

Now you can say yes but that was in the Old Testament and people were under the Law of Moses. Please see what Jesus said about the Law of Moses in Matt 5:17-18 “17Do not think that I have come to do away with (or) undo the Law of the Prophets;…..18For truly I tell you, until the sky and earth pass away (and) perish, not one smallest letter nor one little hook will pass from the Law until all things are accomplished.”  Also read Matt 23:1-3

To sum it up:

·         According to the OT an adulterer must be put to death.

·         According to the NT you commit adultery when you divorce and remarry.

·         According to the NT adultery is grounds for divorce, BUT

·         Nowhere, in the Bible does it say that divorce ends the covenant that was made – on the contrary if you compare marriage to the marriage of God and the Israelites it shows that even though God divorced them, He still considered the covenant He made with them binding.

·         According to the Old and New Testament the only reason an innocent partner where adultery is concerned can remarry is because the adulterer would have been put to death there by freeing the innocent partner from the Law.

·         According to 1 Cor 7:12 the Lord says that if you divorce your partner you should stay unmarried or reconcile with your partner.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear!

Does this apply to non-Christians as well?

It is clear that even non-Christians are united by God in marriage. How do we know this?

1.      God is the Creator of all, every man was born of God. Joh. 1:1-3

2.      Jesus is King of kings and Lord of lords. All authority and power belongs to Him. Rev 17:14, Rev 1:5

3.      Jesus is Judge of all. Acts 17:30-31

4.      According to Gen 2:24 marriage is a creation institution and not a Christian institution. In other words it is a “man” who marries and not just the Christian man.

5.      According to Rom 1:14-15 it if clear that even the unbelievers know what is right and wrong. God’s wrath will be unleased against all ungodliness.

6.      The marriage of the unbeliever is acknowledged in 1Cor.14

Therefore, we must conclude that what goes for Christians in the eyes of God, goes for non-Christians as well, particularly if it is their first union.

So where does it leave me?

To be honest; a bit confused and plenty angry. I would still like to speak to some Christians friends about the “exception clauses”, but truthfully I could not find any holes in the author’s interpretation of the scripture. So in the end I will probably have to make peace with the fact that if I want to obey God’s Word, I will have to stay single for the rest of my life. What makes me so angry is the fact that my ex has no idea just how much his infidelity will probably cost me on this earth. At the same time he has no idea/refuse to acknowledge just how much his infidelity will cost him in the afterlife. If I have to choose between eternal life and remarriage, there really is no choice.

1 Cor 6:9-10 does say “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”. 

The Blame Game

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago I had the privilege of becoming friends with quite a few divorced mothers with children. I say privilege, because these women really know what it means to be trampled on and stabbed in the back and despite that, they still found the strength to get up and provide a decent loving home for their children – ALONE! During this time we went through all the ups and downs of being divorced, together.

We shared the excruciating pain of being betrayed by the one person we loved most of all. We shared a shoulder to cry on when that same person unfairly criticised, blamed and insulted us – pushing that knife he stuck in our backs a bit deeper. We felt the stab of jealousy together, when the other woman was paraded in front of us. We shared the hurt and anger of our children. We helped each other with money or a plate of food when times got tough. We stood together trying to figure out how to drill a hole or start an obstinate car. We filled in forms and encouraged each other when we had to go to court – something most of us have never done before. We laughed and cried together. Somehow we made getting through a divorce bearable. We were abandoned, but not defeated.

Does this sound melodramatic? Well our lives became a horrible drama the minute we found out our husbands traded us in for another model. You could say I am being harsh now, but that is exactly how they made us feel. Suddenly the person that provided a home (note a home, not a house) to come back to after a day’s work, helped put food on the table, the mother of their children, their confidante and lover, was not good enough anymore.

So here’s the question I have been struggling with for over a year now:

Why is it then that despite the facts that all of us

·         Were betrayed and hurt by our husbands

·         Lost what most of us thought were our best friends and soul mates

·         Lost our dreams for our futures

·         Lost our security

·         Experience economic hardship because of the loss of an income

·         Had to move away in some instances from the familiar surroundings we were used to

·         Have to deal with our children going through the pain of a divorce and all the other problems associated with that on a daily basis – mostly alone

·         Lost friends

We are being blamed for EVERYTHING that was wrong before our divorces and is still wrong after our divorces. Haven’t we lost enough? Do we still need to now on top of everything else, have to carry the blame for everything that are (and probably always were) wrong in their lives.

Here are some of the things most of us are being blamed for after our divorces:

      ·         The infidelity and breakdown of our marriages.

·         Our kids having problems.

·         Destroying the father-child relationship.

·         The fact that the fathers don’t see their children anymore.

·         Dragging the father’s to maintenance court.

Sure enough it takes two people to make a marriage work and I can understand that in the devastating aftermath of finding out your partner cheated on you and the divorce that usually follows, things can be said that isn’t good for your children, but in my experience that usually works both ways. What I most of all don’t understand is how the breakdown of the father-child relationship can be laid solely in front of the mother’s door.

Wasn’t it the father who made the CHOICE to have an affair?

Wasn’t it the father who CHOSE to move out?

Isn’t it the father who CHOOSES not to pay maintenance, pleading poverty?

Isn’t it the father’s CHOICE to put the needs of his children first or last in his new life?

So how come, whenever things go wrong it IS THE BETRAYED PARTNER’S FAULT?????????

·        Is it because of our ALL CONSUMING HATRED of our exes?

·        Is it because of our INABILITY TO LET GO OF THE PAST?

·        Is it because WE ARE EMOTIONALY UNSTABLE?

·        Is it because suddenly we have become UNFIT MOTHERS?

·        Is it because WE ARE GREEDY AND WANTS TO RUIN THEM FINANCIALLY?

Just a few of the reasons given for why the betrayed are to blame for everything that did not go the way the betrayer wanted it to go after the divorce.

OR

·        Is it because of the GUILT our exes are feeling for tearing up their homes, rejecting their wives, wounding their children and jeopardising their futures, that everything gets blamed on us?

·        Is it possible that the consequences of their actions are catching up to them?

For two years all I ever got, was BLAMED, CRITISED and INSULTED!!!! AND I AM SICK OF IT!!!!

So I went to good old Google to try and find some answers and guess what I found……..

According to Dr Dobson (founder and chairman of the non-profit organisation focus on the Family), transferring blame to the betrayed, especially where infidelity was involved is NORMAL. The betrayer must apparently find a way to deal with the condemnation of their own conscience. By sifting blame to the betrayed, they construct a vigorous defence against moral condemnation. According to Dr Dobson there are 4 types of guilt:

·        Marital guilt – Here the betrayer first purifies his motives by saying things like “I know it will be hard, but someday you will understand that it really was for the best”. Basically telling you his is doing it for your own good. Secondly he will say things like “We should never have gotten married” and “This was your fault, you drove me to it by…….” It is designed to serve as an “annulment” to the marriage and not a cruel abandonment of a loved one. Thus making your marriage an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship that was ordained and cemented. Poof goes the wedding vows!

·        Parental guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “It will be hard on the kids, but in the long run it will be better for the children. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we have been. Besides they will always be my nr 1 priority.” (This one was my ex’s excuse). Zap! Zap! Guilt over the children is dealt with. Can you believe that their lives being torn apart, the hurt, fear and insecurity being introduced into their lives, can actually be a constructive thing? Guilt over children is apparently one of the toughest things to rationalize, but there are 1000’s of books out there that will help them silence their writhing conscience. I should know. Didn’t I get send all kinds of articles justifying destroying a child’s life.

·        Social guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I am sure our friends won’t understand, but like I told Frank the divorce really was no one’s fault. We just outgrew each other” or “I have given my entire life to everyone else, surely I am entitled to do what’s best for me” There by selfishness is purified and made to appear altruistic. Three down and one to go.

·        Divine guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I prayed long and hard about it and I am certain this is what God wants me to do” There it is, if God has decided the divorce is in the best interest of everybody, then there is no point discussing it any further. Conversation over. Guilt is expunged. Self-respect is restored. Having settled the “big four”, every moral and spiritual obstacle is removed. The stage is set for divorce.

That settles blaming the betrayed up until the divorce, but what about after the divorce.

It is no secret that relationships between fathers and children deteriorate after divorce. I see it in my own situation. Does this mean that all divorced fathers are disinterested or irresponsible? NO! There are many obstacles that make it hard for a father to maintain a good relationship with his children. (All brought on by his own actions, in my opinion). Does that however give the dad the right to always just assume it is the ex-wife’s fault when things between him and his children start to deteriorate? NO!

More than anybody I know how important it is for my children to have their father in their lives. It doesn’t matter how much I hate my ex (which I btw don’t), as a mother my children’s needs come first and that means having a relationship with their father. I sat crying with my child because things aren’t going well between him and his dad, I have tried to explain to my ex what I see, but all I get for my trouble is being accused of causing the riff and at the same time I run the risk of losing my son’s trust. Is it worth my son getting upset with me for trying to share his feelings with his dad? If it helps him have a better relationship with his dad, you bet it is. So why is it so difficult for my ex to believe that maybe he is the problem and not me.

According to research the following was found to be the main causes of deteriorating relationships between children and their fathers:

      ·        Re-marriage, they feel jealous and replaced by the new wife and step                 children. They feel they don’t get enough alone time with their father.  
            They also feel they have no or not enough say in the decisions being made
            concerning them.

·        Financial and lifestyle changes were something else, children blamed their fathers for. While they had to suffer, their dad was living it up with his new family.

·        Some blamed the mothers claiming their mother’s words and father’s actions never add up.

·        In the case of adultery, often children feel they cannot forgive the adulterer.

According to Ahron’s research: In a study more than 1/3 blamed their fathers for the deterioration in their relationship. They felt more anger than sadness about the loss.

According to a divorced dad, another reason for disappearing, is shame and guilt. They feel sadness at what they have lost and because they can’t deal with it they become angry, blaming the person causing the sadness. Because they don’t know how to deal with their emotions they try to avoid it and in the process abandon their children.

Often fathers don’t fully understand the effects of divorce on their children. Instead of always blaming the mother, please for the sake of your children, have a look at yourself for a change and mothers if you are guilty, bury the hatchet. In the long run you will only make yourself sick over a man that isn’t worth it and the innocent children are the one’s suffering. If you are having problems with negative feelings towards your ex, please speak to someone who has been divorced for some time and who has dealt with all the negative feelings. I can guarantee you, most of them will say they are better off after the divorce.

Here are some advice experts give to divorced fathers to help maintain the relationship between them and their children.

·        Stay close to home.

·        Pay child support.

·        Deal with your negative feelings towards your ex.

·        Keep regular contact with the children, phone, email, ectr

·        Stick to the visitation schedule.

·        Be honest with them, even if it is difficult. You have to build their trust in you again.

·        Have alone time with the children.

·        If you want to pursue a relationship, WAIT!!! Give the children time to deal with the hurt of your divorce, before introducing someone new to them.

·        Let your children have a say in things that concerns them – LISTEN to them.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I really want my children to have a relationship with their father, but at the same time I have taken enough emotional abuse, being called and accused of all kinds of horrible things by my ex. Just for once in your life have the guts to look at yourself and really see who and what you have become. Look at yourself and realise who your children are seeing. Stop using everything, BUT your own actions, as an excuse for what is happening between you and your children. You made your bed, now please lie in it. The sad thing is that, whether because of guilt or pride a lot of fathers will never look at themselves and in the process will probably lose the most precious thing in their lives, their children.