Remarriage - yes or no?

I think it is only natural for a divorced person to eventually want to marry again. As a Christian I wanted to know what God said about remarriage. There are a lot of opinions on the internet some are obviously not God’s will but people wanting to do what they want to do. They are using scripture and God’s Grace selectively to justify continuing living in sin. However it is not what people think that counts, but what God said. I must admit that after reading some of the articles I was in tears. One of the authors put it like this: Divorce and remarriage is a matter of eternity in heaven or hell. It seemed that if I wanted to stay in God’s will I had two choices, my ex or eternal death. All the anger I felt for my ex boiled over again. After I calmed down I went back to check the articles again, just to make sure I understood it correctly.

It’s a very clear that God hates divorces. Malachi 2:16 “For the Lord the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment (his wife) with violence”. Not only does He hate divorce, it also removes you from fellowship with God. Malachi 2:13 “And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears (shed by your unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives) and with (your own) weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it with favour at your hand.”

Why does God hate divorce? Malachi 2:14 “Yet you ask why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness (to the covenant made at your marriage) between you and the wife of your youth.” When two people (Christian and non-Christian alike) get married, they don’t only get married on paper (legally), but also in front of God. God has made man and woman one, joined inseparably to his wife, they shall be one flesh. Matt 19:4-6 “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate).” A divorce ends the legal aspect of marriage, but it does not free you from the covenant between you and God. Malachi 2:14 Divorce does not end the aspect of marriage that God joined together.

Consider the following scriptures:

"Whosoever dismisses (repudiates and divorces) his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her. And if a woman dismisses (repudiates and divorces) her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." (Mark. 10:11-12) Also read Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, Luke 16:18, Matt 5:28

So what does this mean?

Jesus makes it clear that divorce is not adultery; it is a serious act of defilement against the spirit and every other aspect of the marriage. Adultery happens after remarriage, because although divorce sets them free legally, God did not set them free. The sin of adultery can only occur if one or both of the persons involved is married. If neither of the persons is married the term adultery cannot be used. When Jesus said that "whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery", He was stating that when a man marries a divorced woman he is living with another man's wife and therefore is guilty of adultery. Divorce does not make a man or a woman single again. Divorce does not end a person's first marriage. That is why a person commits adultery when they marry and live with a divorced person. Adultery could not occur in remarriage if divorce ended the first marriage. Adultery can only occur in remarriage because the divorced spouse is still married to their first marriage partner in Jesus' judgment. (Jesus is the Judge we will stand before one day and it is important that we understand how He feels about divorce and remarriage.)

God states that the sexual intercourse of a divorced and remarried couple is adultery. Therefore each time they have sexual intercourse they commit an act of adultery. As they continue to have sexual relations and there is no repentance, it becomes a state of adultery. Therefore, adultery in remarriage is both an act each time it occurs, and a continuing state of sinning. The action of remarriage is not adultery it is the sexual act that is adultery. One is guilty of sin before God until they have repented of the sin and stopped the sin. One cannot repent of the "act" adultery but continue in it and expect God to ignore the fact that they are continuing to commit adultery.

Read what one of the authors further said re divorce:

The interesting illustration of God and Israel's divorce

In Jeremiah 3 God states that He gave Israel a certificate of divorce. However at no point did that annul or end the covenant that He had made with the ten northern tribes of Israel even though Israel had married other gods. Jeremiah 3:1 says "They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD." In spite of the command by Moses in Deut. 24:1-4 that a divorced woman could not return to her first husband, in Jer. 3:1 God says to Israel, "Yet return again to me."

God infers that the instruction given in Deut. 24:1-4 on divorce and remarriage is not a command that He gave to Moses. God says in Jer. 3:1 "They say" not "I said" in referring to Deut. 24:1-4. He then goes on to ignore the command that a divorced woman may not return to her first husband by saying "yet return again to me."

Jesus also implied that divorce and remarriage in Deut. 24:1-4 was something that Moses permitted because the people demanded it, but it was not a permission that God gave. Jesus said that from the beginning it was not so. In Matt. 19:8 Jesus said, " Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so." Jesus at no point indicated that Deut. 24:1-4 was a command that God gave to Moses. Hardness of heart is refusing to believe what God has said and is sin. Jesus could not endorse the excuse of hardness of heart as justification to do the opposite of what God had said.

In addition we see that divorce and remarriage did not end God's marriage covenant with Israel. In Jer. 3:1-8 God says: " They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD. 2 Lift up thine eyes unto the high places, and see where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast thou sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness; and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms and with thy wickedness. 3 Therefore the showers have been withholden, and there hath been no latter rain; and thou hadst a whore's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed. 4 Wilt thou not from this time cry unto me, My father, thou art the guide of my youth? 5 Will he reserve his anger for ever? will he keep it to the end? Behold, thou hast spoken and done evil things as thou couldest. 6 The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot. 7 And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. 8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also."

God asks Israel to return. He says in v. 14 "For I am married unto you" (even after divorce and remarriage!) Jer. 3:12-14 "Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever. 13 Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the LORD thy God, and hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green tree, and ye have not obeyed my voice, saith the LORD. 14 Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:"

Ezekiel was younger than Jeremiah. Ezekiel wrote from captivity in Babylon after Israel's divorce. He testifies that God's covenant with Israel was not ended by divorce and remarriage. Ez. 20:40-44 "For in mine holy mountain, in the mountain of the height of Israel, saith the Lord GOD, there shall all the house of Israel, all of them in the land, serve me: there will I accept them, and there will I require your offerings, and the first fruits of your oblations, with all your holy things. 41 I will accept you with your sweet savour, when I bring you out from the people, and gather you out of the countries wherein ye have been scattered; and I will be sanctified in you before the heathen. 42 And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall bring you into the land of Israel, into the country for the which I lifted up mine hand to give it to your fathers. 43 And there shall ye remember your ways, and all your doings, wherein ye have been defiled; and ye shall lothe yourselves in your own sight for all your evils that ye have committed. 44 And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have wrought with you for my name's sake, not according to your wicked ways, nor according to your corrupt doings, O ye house of Israel, saith the Lord GOD."

What is clarified about divorce and remarriage by the example of God and Israel's divorce?

1. Neither divorce nor remarriage ends the first marriage. God said to Israel after He had given her a certificate of divorce, "For I am married to you" (Jer. 3:14) Therefore, in remarriage adultery occurs as if there had been no divorce.
2. God indicates, and Jesus confirms, that Moses' command allowing divorce and remarriage and prohibiting the returning to the first spouse after remarriage was not a command that God gave to Moses. It was something that Moses permitted because of the hardness of people's hearts, and is not one we are to follow, nor can we use it to justify divorce and remarriage. It was never God's will from the beginning. Matt. 19:8 "He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so."
3. God's desire is that the first marriage partners leave all other marriage partners, return, and be reconciled to each other. God said, "Yet return to me" (Jer. 3:1)

So when can you remarry then?

God also says, "So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man." Romans 7:3.  Also read Mark 12:24-25, 1 Cor 7:39

According to the scripture you can only remarry after your partner of your first marriage dies.

Isn’t that a bit unfair? What, as in my case where I had no choice in the matter and my adulterous spouse had no interest in saving the marriage, am I to do?

There are two "exception clauses" on divorce in Matthew. Matt. 5:32 states: "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

Almost all the authors stated that this scripture gives the innocent partner in the case of adultery the right to remarry. Great I thought I can remarry without committing adultery, until I read what this one author said.

Sounds straight forward, but then the one author put it like this.

If a man's wife committed adultery, how would her adultery keep him from committing adultery if he divorced her and remarried? Or to ask the question another way, is there any teaching or example in the Bible that would indicate that adultery by one marriage partner ends their marriage and makes them single again in God's eyes?

According to the Bible (Old and New Testament) the adulterers must be put to death. Deut 22:22 “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.”

Also read: Lev 20:10, Lev 21:9, Prov 6:32, Deut 25:11-12 (adultery causes death)

As shown above the following scriptures states what Jesus said about adultery – Matt 5:32 "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

Also read: Matt 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, Luke 16:18.

Now you can say yes but that was in the Old Testament and people were under the Law of Moses. Please see what Jesus said about the Law of Moses in Matt 5:17-18 “17Do not think that I have come to do away with (or) undo the Law of the Prophets;…..18For truly I tell you, until the sky and earth pass away (and) perish, not one smallest letter nor one little hook will pass from the Law until all things are accomplished.”  Also read Matt 23:1-3

To sum it up:

·         According to the OT an adulterer must be put to death.

·         According to the NT you commit adultery when you divorce and remarry.

·         According to the NT adultery is grounds for divorce, BUT

·         Nowhere, in the Bible does it say that divorce ends the covenant that was made – on the contrary if you compare marriage to the marriage of God and the Israelites it shows that even though God divorced them, He still considered the covenant He made with them binding.

·         According to the Old and New Testament the only reason an innocent partner where adultery is concerned can remarry is because the adulterer would have been put to death there by freeing the innocent partner from the Law.

·         According to 1 Cor 7:12 the Lord says that if you divorce your partner you should stay unmarried or reconcile with your partner.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear!

Does this apply to non-Christians as well?

It is clear that even non-Christians are united by God in marriage. How do we know this?

1.      God is the Creator of all, every man was born of God. Joh. 1:1-3

2.      Jesus is King of kings and Lord of lords. All authority and power belongs to Him. Rev 17:14, Rev 1:5

3.      Jesus is Judge of all. Acts 17:30-31

4.      According to Gen 2:24 marriage is a creation institution and not a Christian institution. In other words it is a “man” who marries and not just the Christian man.

5.      According to Rom 1:14-15 it if clear that even the unbelievers know what is right and wrong. God’s wrath will be unleased against all ungodliness.

6.      The marriage of the unbeliever is acknowledged in 1Cor.14

Therefore, we must conclude that what goes for Christians in the eyes of God, goes for non-Christians as well, particularly if it is their first union.

So where does it leave me?

To be honest; a bit confused and plenty angry. I would still like to speak to some Christians friends about the “exception clauses”, but truthfully I could not find any holes in the author’s interpretation of the scripture. So in the end I will probably have to make peace with the fact that if I want to obey God’s Word, I will have to stay single for the rest of my life. What makes me so angry is the fact that my ex has no idea just how much his infidelity will probably cost me on this earth. At the same time he has no idea/refuse to acknowledge just how much his infidelity will cost him in the afterlife. If I have to choose between eternal life and remarriage, there really is no choice.

1 Cor 6:9-10 does say “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”. 

The Blame Game

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago I had the privilege of becoming friends with quite a few divorced mothers with children. I say privilege, because these women really know what it means to be trampled on and stabbed in the back and despite that, they still found the strength to get up and provide a decent loving home for their children – ALONE! During this time we went through all the ups and downs of being divorced, together.

We shared the excruciating pain of being betrayed by the one person we loved most of all. We shared a shoulder to cry on when that same person unfairly criticised, blamed and insulted us – pushing that knife he stuck in our backs a bit deeper. We felt the stab of jealousy together, when the other woman was paraded in front of us. We shared the hurt and anger of our children. We helped each other with money or a plate of food when times got tough. We stood together trying to figure out how to drill a hole or start an obstinate car. We filled in forms and encouraged each other when we had to go to court – something most of us have never done before. We laughed and cried together. Somehow we made getting through a divorce bearable. We were abandoned, but not defeated.

Does this sound melodramatic? Well our lives became a horrible drama the minute we found out our husbands traded us in for another model. You could say I am being harsh now, but that is exactly how they made us feel. Suddenly the person that provided a home (note a home, not a house) to come back to after a day’s work, helped put food on the table, the mother of their children, their confidante and lover, was not good enough anymore.

So here’s the question I have been struggling with for over a year now:

Why is it then that despite the facts that all of us

·         Were betrayed and hurt by our husbands

·         Lost what most of us thought were our best friends and soul mates

·         Lost our dreams for our futures

·         Lost our security

·         Experience economic hardship because of the loss of an income

·         Had to move away in some instances from the familiar surroundings we were used to

·         Have to deal with our children going through the pain of a divorce and all the other problems associated with that on a daily basis – mostly alone

·         Lost friends

We are being blamed for EVERYTHING that was wrong before our divorces and is still wrong after our divorces. Haven’t we lost enough? Do we still need to now on top of everything else, have to carry the blame for everything that are (and probably always were) wrong in their lives.

Here are some of the things most of us are being blamed for after our divorces:

      ·         The infidelity and breakdown of our marriages.

·         Our kids having problems.

·         Destroying the father-child relationship.

·         The fact that the fathers don’t see their children anymore.

·         Dragging the father’s to maintenance court.

Sure enough it takes two people to make a marriage work and I can understand that in the devastating aftermath of finding out your partner cheated on you and the divorce that usually follows, things can be said that isn’t good for your children, but in my experience that usually works both ways. What I most of all don’t understand is how the breakdown of the father-child relationship can be laid solely in front of the mother’s door.

Wasn’t it the father who made the CHOICE to have an affair?

Wasn’t it the father who CHOSE to move out?

Isn’t it the father who CHOOSES not to pay maintenance, pleading poverty?

Isn’t it the father’s CHOICE to put the needs of his children first or last in his new life?

So how come, whenever things go wrong it IS THE BETRAYED PARTNER’S FAULT?????????

·        Is it because of our ALL CONSUMING HATRED of our exes?

·        Is it because of our INABILITY TO LET GO OF THE PAST?

·        Is it because WE ARE EMOTIONALY UNSTABLE?

·        Is it because suddenly we have become UNFIT MOTHERS?

·        Is it because WE ARE GREEDY AND WANTS TO RUIN THEM FINANCIALLY?

Just a few of the reasons given for why the betrayed are to blame for everything that did not go the way the betrayer wanted it to go after the divorce.

OR

·        Is it because of the GUILT our exes are feeling for tearing up their homes, rejecting their wives, wounding their children and jeopardising their futures, that everything gets blamed on us?

·        Is it possible that the consequences of their actions are catching up to them?

For two years all I ever got, was BLAMED, CRITISED and INSULTED!!!! AND I AM SICK OF IT!!!!

So I went to good old Google to try and find some answers and guess what I found……..

According to Dr Dobson (founder and chairman of the non-profit organisation focus on the Family), transferring blame to the betrayed, especially where infidelity was involved is NORMAL. The betrayer must apparently find a way to deal with the condemnation of their own conscience. By sifting blame to the betrayed, they construct a vigorous defence against moral condemnation. According to Dr Dobson there are 4 types of guilt:

·        Marital guilt – Here the betrayer first purifies his motives by saying things like “I know it will be hard, but someday you will understand that it really was for the best”. Basically telling you his is doing it for your own good. Secondly he will say things like “We should never have gotten married” and “This was your fault, you drove me to it by…….” It is designed to serve as an “annulment” to the marriage and not a cruel abandonment of a loved one. Thus making your marriage an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship that was ordained and cemented. Poof goes the wedding vows!

·        Parental guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “It will be hard on the kids, but in the long run it will be better for the children. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we have been. Besides they will always be my nr 1 priority.” (This one was my ex’s excuse). Zap! Zap! Guilt over the children is dealt with. Can you believe that their lives being torn apart, the hurt, fear and insecurity being introduced into their lives, can actually be a constructive thing? Guilt over children is apparently one of the toughest things to rationalize, but there are 1000’s of books out there that will help them silence their writhing conscience. I should know. Didn’t I get send all kinds of articles justifying destroying a child’s life.

·        Social guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I am sure our friends won’t understand, but like I told Frank the divorce really was no one’s fault. We just outgrew each other” or “I have given my entire life to everyone else, surely I am entitled to do what’s best for me” There by selfishness is purified and made to appear altruistic. Three down and one to go.

·        Divine guilt – Here the betrayer will say things like “I prayed long and hard about it and I am certain this is what God wants me to do” There it is, if God has decided the divorce is in the best interest of everybody, then there is no point discussing it any further. Conversation over. Guilt is expunged. Self-respect is restored. Having settled the “big four”, every moral and spiritual obstacle is removed. The stage is set for divorce.

That settles blaming the betrayed up until the divorce, but what about after the divorce.

It is no secret that relationships between fathers and children deteriorate after divorce. I see it in my own situation. Does this mean that all divorced fathers are disinterested or irresponsible? NO! There are many obstacles that make it hard for a father to maintain a good relationship with his children. (All brought on by his own actions, in my opinion). Does that however give the dad the right to always just assume it is the ex-wife’s fault when things between him and his children start to deteriorate? NO!

More than anybody I know how important it is for my children to have their father in their lives. It doesn’t matter how much I hate my ex (which I btw don’t), as a mother my children’s needs come first and that means having a relationship with their father. I sat crying with my child because things aren’t going well between him and his dad, I have tried to explain to my ex what I see, but all I get for my trouble is being accused of causing the riff and at the same time I run the risk of losing my son’s trust. Is it worth my son getting upset with me for trying to share his feelings with his dad? If it helps him have a better relationship with his dad, you bet it is. So why is it so difficult for my ex to believe that maybe he is the problem and not me.

According to research the following was found to be the main causes of deteriorating relationships between children and their fathers:

      ·        Re-marriage, they feel jealous and replaced by the new wife and step                 children. They feel they don’t get enough alone time with their father.  
            They also feel they have no or not enough say in the decisions being made
            concerning them.

·        Financial and lifestyle changes were something else, children blamed their fathers for. While they had to suffer, their dad was living it up with his new family.

·        Some blamed the mothers claiming their mother’s words and father’s actions never add up.

·        In the case of adultery, often children feel they cannot forgive the adulterer.

According to Ahron’s research: In a study more than 1/3 blamed their fathers for the deterioration in their relationship. They felt more anger than sadness about the loss.

According to a divorced dad, another reason for disappearing, is shame and guilt. They feel sadness at what they have lost and because they can’t deal with it they become angry, blaming the person causing the sadness. Because they don’t know how to deal with their emotions they try to avoid it and in the process abandon their children.

Often fathers don’t fully understand the effects of divorce on their children. Instead of always blaming the mother, please for the sake of your children, have a look at yourself for a change and mothers if you are guilty, bury the hatchet. In the long run you will only make yourself sick over a man that isn’t worth it and the innocent children are the one’s suffering. If you are having problems with negative feelings towards your ex, please speak to someone who has been divorced for some time and who has dealt with all the negative feelings. I can guarantee you, most of them will say they are better off after the divorce.

Here are some advice experts give to divorced fathers to help maintain the relationship between them and their children.

·        Stay close to home.

·        Pay child support.

·        Deal with your negative feelings towards your ex.

·        Keep regular contact with the children, phone, email, ectr

·        Stick to the visitation schedule.

·        Be honest with them, even if it is difficult. You have to build their trust in you again.

·        Have alone time with the children.

·        If you want to pursue a relationship, WAIT!!! Give the children time to deal with the hurt of your divorce, before introducing someone new to them.

·        Let your children have a say in things that concerns them – LISTEN to them.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I really want my children to have a relationship with their father, but at the same time I have taken enough emotional abuse, being called and accused of all kinds of horrible things by my ex. Just for once in your life have the guts to look at yourself and really see who and what you have become. Look at yourself and realise who your children are seeing. Stop using everything, BUT your own actions, as an excuse for what is happening between you and your children. You made your bed, now please lie in it. The sad thing is that, whether because of guilt or pride a lot of fathers will never look at themselves and in the process will probably lose the most precious thing in their lives, their children.

 

Infidelity, divorce and children

What is the effect of an affair/divorce on children.

It has been just over 2 years since my ex moved out after his affair became public knowledge. As far as my feelings are concerned, I couldn’t be better. The last 2 years were rough, but I dealt with so many emotions and for the first time I feel like my own person again. I like who I am and where I’m going.

My son however is not doing so well. He woke up on Saturday and looking at him broke my heart. His been having problems with his school work, fighting with his sister, being disrespectful to not only me, but his father as well and his having trouble sleeping. On Saturday for the first time I could see what the last 2 years cost him. He looked pale and had black rings under his eyes. He had a cold, but this wasn’t just the cold. He looked defeated. For the cold I could give him meds, but what do I do for the emotional strain he had been under. Sunday morning his father phoned and after he spoke to him he burst out in tears. I sat there with my child in my arms and I felt utterly helpless. There was nothing I could do or say that will make the pain he was feeling better.

The therapist told me he tends not to speak about his feelings. He bottles it up. For the last six months I have been actively trying to regain his trust. Felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. She showed me a picture he drew of him in the middle of me and my ex. It broke my heart. The last 2 weeks was the first time he really opened up without me having to drag everything out of him. I am so worried about him and where all of this is going to lead. I have been reading books and speaking to people that went through the same thing. Unfortunately the stories are all the same with the same bleak outcome. I have to make peace with the fact that pain will be part of my child’s future and that things will probably get worse before it gets better.

So what can you expect your child to feel after an affair was exposed?

·         Loss of trust – they find it very difficult to believe that someone they love will not lie to them, reject or abandon them.

·         Shame – they feel the betraying partner’s sexual transgression is a black mark against them and their family. If there was any pressure to keep the cheating partner’s betrayal from the other parent, the child is left with the added and unwarranted burden of guilt.

·         Confusion – they become confused about the meaning of love and marriage.

·         Anger – towards the betraying partner, but at the same time yearning for that person.

·         Resentment towards the betrayed parent – they feel they have to become the parent’s emotional caretaker during the drama that follows infidelity or because that parent did not stop the infidelity from happening in the first place.

Add to that all the conflict that can be generated between two people who feel anger, guilt and betrayal and you have a potentially very explosive situation.

There is no doubt about the fact that divorce introduces great changes into a child’s life – parental conflict, changes in school/residence, economic hardship, damaged to parent-child relationship because of lost contact, love and authority. The centre of their world – their family – is torn asunder. It also increases the risk of psychological, social and academic problems. No matter how hard you try to protect them, you cannot prevent them from feeling the pain of divorce.

In studies that were done on adults that came from a broken family the following were found:

• 73% believe they would have been different people if their parents did not divorce.
• 49% worried about big events, like graduation, where both parents will be present.
• 48% felt they had a harder childhood than most people.
• 44% said their parent’s divorce still caused struggles for them.
• 28% wondered if their father ever loved them.

So how do you minimise the damage:

·         Make sure your child knows how much both parents love him.

·         Make a 100% sure he knows that nothing of what happened was his fault.

·         Give him a place where he feels safe to just be himself.

·         Do not interrogate him about your ex – it will cause divided loyalties and increase feelings of guilt.

·         Do not allow him to be responsible for you or your feelings – you are the parent, so be the parent.

·         Do not lie to him or make promises you cannot keep – honesty is the only way you are going to get him to trust you again.

·         Listen to him – acknowledge his feelings and let him know that it is ok to feel angry, sad, ectr, but help him understand that there are good and bad ways to react to those feelings. Give him the tools to deal positively with what he is feeling.

·         Do not allow your own feelings about your ex to cloud matters more – how your child sees and feels about what happened, are not the same as how you or your ex-partner see and feel about what happened.

·         Get help from a therapist – as parents we normally know what is best for our children, but going through a divorce distorts a person’s perspective and then you need someone that can be totally objective and that can also give you advice as to how to do things in a way that will be best for your child.

·         Acknowledge your part in this disaster that ripped the core of his being from under him – he trusted his parents to protect and love him. This will probably be the first major stress in his life he will have to deal with. The least you as parent can do, is to acknowledge your part in it and ask his forgiveness.

What to do when one parent had an affair?

Be honest – Why?

·         Reality - they are going to find out sooner or later. Sooner is better and also from you and not from some less discreet friend or neighbour.

·         Respect – You will only be able to win back their respect once you have dealt with the truth.

If you want to continue your relationship with your affair partner and do not want to also divorce your children, you need to also learn to be patient. You will have to build your relationship with them as a single parent, before introducing someone new into their life.

Looking at my friends and seeing how things turned out for their children, does not give me much hope that things will be any different for me and my children. If my situation was different from theirs, maybe I would have had more hope, but the similarities are just too obvious. Listening to them tell me of the experiences they and their children had, makes my hair stand on end. I realise my children’s journey have only just begun and that a lot of uphill’s still lie ahead. My children will most probably have the scars to show, but I also belief that with a lot of love, patience, support and teaching them to look to God for healing, acceptance and peace, they will turn out to be just fine. I just wished they never had to be part of the statistics of divorced families.

Facing yourself!

What is it that makes people refuse to look at themselves, always pointing the finger at other people? Is it fear for what they may see? Is it a deep seated feeling of inferiority.

Over the last 2 years I was forced to do exactly that. Look at myself! Learn to accept criticism and not take it personally. I could have, but I made the choice to be completely honest with myself, no matter how much it hurts. It wasn't easy, admitting to things I would have rather just buried. Things that told me I wasn't as nice and well adjusted as I thought. Facing my history and deciding on my future. For the first time I was completely alone. No one could help me with this. I had to face myself alone.

 

It helped that I had and still have the most amazing friends. People who don't judge, but guide. People who I can trust to say it as it is. They helped in breaking open old wounds, putting things into perspective, giving advise, showing me how to go forward. In the end I still had to make the choice whether I was going to allow what these people said to sink in and become part of me. Was I going to take offense or take it for what it was? People who loved me and wanted to see me become all I could be?

I decide to take the plunge. I wanted more from life and to get it, I had to take a chance. I had to open myself up, face who I was and learn to trust again. Trust the people around me, trust myself, but most of all trust God. I stood stripped of everything that protected me in the past. Vulnerable and hurting.

Like so many countless times in the last 2 years God came through for me. He took me on an incredible journey, showing me who I was, showing me how He sees me. He taught me to live a life devoid of stress and worry. He showed me how much I meant to Him. In the midst of incredible turmoil He gave me incredible peace and courage. The kind of peace you can only experience in the arms of Someone who will give His life to you. For 2 years God showed me how well protected and cared for I was.

I still have such a long way to go, but now it doesn't scare me anymore. Life doesn't scare me anymore. I am excited about what is still to come. I have hope. Yes I am sure it won't all be smooth riding. As a matter of fact I know it won't be, but now I can look life in the eyes and say "Bring it on." Every time God shows His faithfulness to me, this excitement starts to boil up inside me. Sounds weird, but I can't wait for the next thing to come along, just so that I can see and experience this amazing God I believe in. Every time God carries me through something, He confirms His love for me and my faith gets stronger.

I told someone today how, despite the fact that over the last couple of days the one thing after the other happened that would have turned me into a stress ball, I have been at total peace. It's because I now know who my Source is. I will never be alone again. I have found riches beyond what I thought I can ever have.

People that chase material things in life will never understand this, but they will also never know what true peace feels like. No money or possessions can ever come close to what I have now. Even if I had no money I will still be happier than anybody who have put their faith in things and people. You can lose things and people will always disappoint you, but you can never lose God's love and He will never disappoint you.

I find myself standing with a smile on my face and in my heart, telling anybody who want's to listen " Life's goooooooodddddd!!!!!!!"

When it wasn't God's plan.....

30 March 2014 it had been 2 years since my ex moved out. And to be honest my life has been really good. However in the last month we had some opportunities to talk alone to each other. Something we haven’t been able to do, because his now fiancé has decided we cannot be trusted to be alone with each other. He told me how much he misses us. That he does care about this woman, but that his heart will always be with me. His stuck in that relationship, but don’t see any way out. Now here’s the thing… Despite what he said a few days later to cover his tracks, I believe him. You see I was there and I looked him in the eyes. I saw the hurt and longing. 

That is precisely what started the rebellion in me. You see I have been asking God for 2 years to restore our relationship. Why when my ex is feeling like that, haven’t God fixed it. I look at my children and it intensifies all my emotions. My son is walking around with a permanent thunder cloud above his head and my daughter is acting out all the time. There’s constant conflict between them and I truly believe it’s because they have all these emotions inside that they don’t know how to express. Add to that the fact that my ex is convinced that I am turning our children against him and it’s no wonder they don’t know whether they are coming or going. 

Yesterday a friend and I had a very frank discussion and I decided that I have to sort this out with God. My peace was gone and I am sick of living with this hope inside me.  The Bible says that God’s heart is for families. So WHY HAVEN’T HE RESTORED my family? Why do my children have to deal with all this crap? 

So last night at 2h45 precisely I believe He gave me His answer.

Let me start at the beginning 20 years ago. On the 5^th February 1994 we stood before God and made our marriage vows.  A marriage that I now believe was never God’s will for my life. You see I didn’t ask His opinion about the man I was about to marry, because I had no relationship with God then. It was my decision and mine alone. God wants the best for His children and therefore, for several reasons I am not going to discuss now, I cannot believe that He thought my ex was the best for me.

The problem is people make there own decisions re the person they are going to marry and then go and stand in the church in front of a God they don’t know and make those sacred vows, walking out expecting God’s blessing and then wonder why their marriage is a disaster.

All we did on the 4^th February was do in front of God what satan wanted us to do, but we did not have God’s protection, because we did not know Him. We actually made a promise we did not understand and had no intentions of keeping. We did not understand what a godly marriage really meant and therefore it was impossible for us to have one. Our marriage never once looked like the marriage God intents for His children to have.

However God is a God of mercy and He can turn anything satan throws at us into something beautiful. We just never asked Him to do that in our marriage. We never asked Him to turn something that was probably never meant to be, into something that was meant to be and had His blessing as well. After we separated, a very dear friend said to me that it takes two people to come and sit around the table for God to restore our marriage. I was there, but my ex wasn’t and still isn’t. Despite what he feels, he is in essence a selfish person and a “runner”. He never could and still can’t face his problems and that is why he always takes the easiest way out. The way, that causes him the least amount of discomfort. I don’t judge him for that, because I can now see how things that happened during his childhood, made him who he is today and to be honest I can’t blame him for that. It rather makes me sad to see him not be all he can be, because he simply don’t understand that he doesn’t have to accept feeling the way he does.

Thus I am still where I was 2 years ago. No restoration in site, but now I had let go of that hope. God gave him 2 years to allow God to restore our marriage, but he couldn’t take the opportunities he was given. I am still sitting with my emotions and satan still uses them against me every opportunity he gets. The difference now is that I have accepted the fact that my ex cannot fight for his family, because he simply don’t know how and that is ok.

I realise now it was a false hope based on what I believed my ex can be, but the reality is a very different thing. Another good friend told me that God can only work when we give Him substance to work with. Although I believe that my ex has all the substance, because God made him, he doesn’t know how to obtain that substance so that God have something to work with. Does that mean he won’t be happy in his new life? No I believe he will be happy, but I also believe he will never see the heights he was meant to see.

As for me, I made peace with God and have accepted that I will probably never see the restoration of our relationship. Does it make me sad? Not really, because my feelings for my ex are gone. Everything I hoped for was also based on the believe, that God, if given the chance, would have renewed everything about our relationship, including my love for him. It makes me sad for my children, because they are the one's that are paying the price now. All I really have to deal with now is my anger at my situation, for the things my children have to go through thanks to myself and my ex. I know now that controlling my emotions is what I need to do. In 2 Tim 1:7 it says that God have not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and SELF CONTROL. Something that has been lacking in my life for some time now. I know that because I am a child of God I have His Spirit in me and therefore can control the things I allow access to, in my life. I am busy closing all the doors I have opened up the last month or two and already I am feeling more at peace. Most important, I once again can see God’s hand in my life and know more than ever that He only has good intentions for my life. Every time my life derails, it is because of something I did and not because of something God didn’t do.

 A last warning before I say good-bye. For all the people out there who are thinking of getting married. If you are a child of God, make sure you know Him in your choice of marriage partner. If you are not a child of God, be careful to make those vows in front of God expecting His blessing and protection, if you are not willing to also start a relationship with Him. He can only turn your mess into a blessing if you allow Him to do it. If you don’t and your marriage turns into a disaster, don’t blame God. Have the guts to put the blame where it belongs, squarely on your own shoulders. He was just enough to allow you your own choices, now you be just enough and take the consequences of those choices.