Marriage to
his mistress I believe will be a huge mistake. Not only do I know what was said
between me and him, but I have also told him from the start that you cannot
make a success of a relationship that started out with lies and deceit as the
basis. Then there are the sayings “you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s
unhappiness”, “what you sow you will reap” and some people will
bring Carma into this equation. There apparently is a saying that "the
person you are with during the divorce will most likely not be the one you are
with afterwards”. Most of my friends and sadly there are a lot of
them, whose husband/wives had an affair, either never did marry their affair
partner or if they did, are on the brink of a second divorce. However that is
mine and some other peoples personally feelings, so I went to look at what the statistics
say about the chances of marriage to your affair partner lasting.
According to statistics only 3% of men will
marry their affair partner. Those
who did suffered
a 75% divorce rate. Shocking if you consider what they had to give
up, eventually ending up in the same position – getting a second divorce. Statistics
show that second marriages overall has a higher failure rate than first
marriages, 15% within the first 3 years and 25% after 5 years. Makes one wonder
if it is really worth it?
According to research I did, here are the most common reasons why
affair marriages fail:
During the
affair the affair partners are in an intense state of stimulating unreality. The whole
affair is based on a fantasy. The second marriage itself is the
switch that highlights the mess that has accumulated. Only after the marriage
does the divorce become a reality. Only then the people involved, sees what a
horrible mistakes they have made. They were so caught up in their fantasy that
the reality of what they were doing escaped them.
People that
are involved in wrecking a marriage often don’t feel any guilt during the
affair and divorce, so the guilt that hits them after the marriage often
comes as a total and complete surprise, leading to tension in the new marriage.
Divorces are
expensive
both emotionally and financially. It will often lead to exhaustion
and depression. It is often the case that the one partner will feel this
exhaustion more acutely than the other, leading to tension when the one partner
does not fully appreciate what it cost the other to get divorced.
Statistics
show that people in their forties and older getting remarried will often have
emotional, financial and practical difficulties due to the involvement of an ex-partner
and children. Where there are children involved the ex-partners essentially stays a
co-parenting couple for life. This means out of necessity they stay
in a relationship with their ex-partner, which often causes tension in the new
relationship. Also often as the children gets older they become resentful
towards the new partner, especially if he/she was involved in breaking up their
parent’s marriage. Financial concerns re children can also become a point of
tension in a new marriage.
If an
ex-spouse harbours anger towards her/his ex-partner, particularly if there was
infidelity and betrayal involved, this anger can easily extend towards the new
marriage causing tension and anxiety e.g. an unfaithful husband/wife may feel
guilty at betraying his/her ex-partner which the new partner will pick up on, in
return feeling betrayed by her new husbands loyalties.
Generally
people feel that anything that cost them emotionally as much as a divorced did,
better be worth it. The bigger the sacrifice the bigger the expectation. I
remember my ex saying to me just after he moved out that she will pay for what
he had to give up. They believe that the marriage will be just as perfect as
the affair. Unfortunately they underestimate the reality of real life. They find out
that their new marriage is not much different from the first one.
They are the same people with the same coping mechanism as what they were in
their first marriage.
During the
affair and divorce the affair couple isolate themselves. They not only erase
the betrayed spouse from their awareness, but also children, relatives and
friends. The live in their own little private world, protected from the devastation
they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart. Everyone is
pointing fingers at them, which draws them together. They have only each other
against all the judgemental people outside. Very often important relationships are
damaged or destroyed because of the affair. After the marriage they
long to reconnect with these people, only to find it’s not that easy. The hurt
and disappointment they have caused will often hinder these relationships from
being restored, making them feel very lonely.
Second
marriages are often build on disappointment following infidelity and betrayal
of the first marriage or built on guilt after cheating and abandoning the first
spouse. The
adulterer eventually has to face disappointment in himself and guilt for what he put
his family through. This guilt often gets carried into the new
relationship. The new partner will feel this guilt even if it does not show on
the surface.
When the
reality of the new marriage starts to become evident, one or both partner’s
feelings often chances, making them fall “out of love”. They have based their relationship on their
emotions, which will change as there circumstances changes and
because they do not understand the physics of a relationship if will lead to
the destruction of their second marriage as well. I have read the same in a
book Neil T Anderson wrote and several people have said the same to me during
counselling sessions I had. You cannot rely on your feeling of being “in love”
when it comes to marriages. Feeling “in love” is an emotion and emotions will
always change as your circumstances changes. Marriage is more than just two
people falling in love.
During the
affair and divorce the affair couple convinced each other it was the betrayed
spouse’s fault. To acknowledge otherwise after the marriage would be a betrayal
of the fantasies that fed the affair in the first place. Eventually you have to admit your part in
the destruction of your marriage and you may find that you don’t like the truth
of it.
Distrust of your new partner also will play a role. There is the
fact that if he/she could do it to their former partner, they can do it to
their new partner as well. There is often an unwillingness to commit to
marriage and the partner will look for affair partners outside of marriage.
Also the
fact that there is no shared history will cause problems often
resulting in jealousy and insecurity when the past are being discussed. They do
not want to hear about the good old days. This can often be very lonely and
disheartening. They have to give up a huge part of their history and of who they
are. If an affair wrecked the first marriage the history is one of
embarrassment, guilt and pain. Not something they will want to bring up in
conversation.
It is a pity
that most people in affairs will refuse to look at these obstacles until it is
too late. I have found this letter on the Marriage Builder website of Dr
Willard Harley. It is of a woman who has become the “new wife”. In my opinion
it says it all.
“My perspective is from that of
the other woman (OW) who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.
You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman.
You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient.
They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of
processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being
shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get
to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will
have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes
promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their
own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are
responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL
know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or
ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under
there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will
escape this result.
Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about
the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW [betrayed wife]. Let me
appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are
going to suffer in the years to come…
You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so
they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something
better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even
really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was
married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who
gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will
take before you stop feeling like a prize?
The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are
these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth
it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to
realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and
you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is
going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be
insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.
You are going to be labeled as the bitch for the entire rest of your
life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be
the bitch that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable
family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts
forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family
event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far
and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.
You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse
should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your
position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to
over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent
you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of
conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to
sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children
and extended family and friends are, you will feel the scarlet letter that you
wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I
promise you…you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than
you can imagine in the years to come.
And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late
more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way
you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know
exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably
before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.
Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you.
Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to
someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from
being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING
TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and
have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will
not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are
going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache
with no one to blame but yourself.
Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO
YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking
that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise that you are not different or
better somehow.
Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a
good person and here is what happens…
Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let
say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have
done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and
that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a
time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time.
You will cry many bitter tears.
You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you
once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the
early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are
supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because
you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with?
Not much.
You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure
out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy
answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You
will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce
would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you
want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a
situation where it is impossible to know what that is.
Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at
some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is
dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now
genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words.
Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more
as if it will help.
There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than
you can ever clean up!!…”
30/10/14
1. First you seek God because He is your only Source.
3. Then you start walking with God, you get to know Him, you talk to Him, you let Him guide you and you start praying. Relationship, NOT religion!!!!!
The result: A healed woman, who for the first time in my life is starting to walk in the victory that Jesus won for me when He gave His life on the Cross.
Now you will say: But you still don't have your husband back. No I don't, but what I found is so much better than the distorted, dysfunctional marriage I had. I can now look at my past life and realise just how much I have missed NOT knowing God. It is not something you can really describe, but something you can only really experience. Nothing in this world will persuade me to let go of what I have now, for what I had 2 years ago. Absolutely nothing! If my marriage gets renewed (which by the way solely depends on the decisions/choices my ex makes with the chances he will be given) it will be a bonus, but if my ex chose not to do what is godly and take up his role as head of his family, I will still be fine. My kids will also be fine, because they have a perfect heavenly Father who will bring them through this just as healed as He did me. You see the watered down, temporary happiness satan offers you, can never compare to the everlasting joy God offers.
So please no more replies giving me advise to go to a witch doctor. I will not follow it and I will not publish it!!!!! You are being deceived if you think you are helping people safe their marriages. You are actually helping someone who follows your advise, destroy their lives as well as how many others satan can get his hands on through the deal they made with him. You might as well have signed your name in BLOOD. Your blood!
This
is a follow-up on the last 2 years since this article has been written. All I
can say is, God
is AWESOME!
Yes it wasn't always easy, but slowly God led me to understand why my marriage
failed. Not only did I get to know myself again, but I also healed from all the
things that made me become the person that allowed my marriage to fall apart. I
am not naive anymore. I can see the forces working in this world clearly now
and I know how to protect my kids and myself from them. Yes I am talking about
demonic forces - out to destroy all authority structures of which my marriage
was one.
I mention this because I constantly get replies from people advising me to use some kind of witch doctor to put a spell on my husband to force him to come back and yes your husbands did come back, but at what cost? Don't you people understand you cannot mess around with a person's will like that. If God the Creator of All WON'T do it, what gives you the right to do it?
Let me tell you what you are getting back.
1. You just invited a demon into your life.
2. You have put a plaster over a very infected marriage - you really think that whatever it was that caused your marriage to break down, is just magically going to disappear. NO! It will fester until 5 years from now it will be so infected that it might very well kill your marriage as well as destroy everybody that are involved.
3. You really think your partner will appreciate being manipulated. Trust me they will find out, because destruction is what satan does. You just gave him the means to do it, once he cannot use you to help destroy others any longer.
Let me tell you the only way to deal with your wayward spouse.
I mention this because I constantly get replies from people advising me to use some kind of witch doctor to put a spell on my husband to force him to come back and yes your husbands did come back, but at what cost? Don't you people understand you cannot mess around with a person's will like that. If God the Creator of All WON'T do it, what gives you the right to do it?
Let me tell you what you are getting back.
1. You just invited a demon into your life.
2. You have put a plaster over a very infected marriage - you really think that whatever it was that caused your marriage to break down, is just magically going to disappear. NO! It will fester until 5 years from now it will be so infected that it might very well kill your marriage as well as destroy everybody that are involved.
3. You really think your partner will appreciate being manipulated. Trust me they will find out, because destruction is what satan does. You just gave him the means to do it, once he cannot use you to help destroy others any longer.
Let me tell you the only way to deal with your wayward spouse.
1. First you seek God because He is your only Source.
3. Then you start walking with God, you get to know Him, you talk to Him, you let Him guide you and you start praying. Relationship, NOT religion!!!!!
The result: A healed woman, who for the first time in my life is starting to walk in the victory that Jesus won for me when He gave His life on the Cross.
Now you will say: But you still don't have your husband back. No I don't, but what I found is so much better than the distorted, dysfunctional marriage I had. I can now look at my past life and realise just how much I have missed NOT knowing God. It is not something you can really describe, but something you can only really experience. Nothing in this world will persuade me to let go of what I have now, for what I had 2 years ago. Absolutely nothing! If my marriage gets renewed (which by the way solely depends on the decisions/choices my ex makes with the chances he will be given) it will be a bonus, but if my ex chose not to do what is godly and take up his role as head of his family, I will still be fine. My kids will also be fine, because they have a perfect heavenly Father who will bring them through this just as healed as He did me. You see the watered down, temporary happiness satan offers you, can never compare to the everlasting joy God offers.
So please no more replies giving me advise to go to a witch doctor. I will not follow it and I will not publish it!!!!! You are being deceived if you think you are helping people safe their marriages. You are actually helping someone who follows your advise, destroy their lives as well as how many others satan can get his hands on through the deal they made with him. You might as well have signed your name in BLOOD. Your blood!
To be ex-husband and I are in middle of divorce. On and off again affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. He announced he has found a rich woman (he doesn't necessarily love her - wants her money) and he's divorcing me to pursue her wealth.
ReplyDeleteAfter a month of grieving, friends have convinced me to let him go. So her is what SHE will get (he's already moved in with her) - per divorce decree HE gets .... 18k IRS tax bill that's fully in his name (I never filed jointly for legal reasons). 15k Cadillac bill he was stupid enough to buy a month ago to impress HER. 11k SUV bill for MY auto. 2k walmart bill (my card but used for his personal purposes) - $700 home depot bill. $500 HIS credit card bill.
In total - He takes on 52k in DEBT!!! (Yes - $52,000).
And - our house is in foreclosure with refi denied. And you can also have the SECOND woman he sees on top of you when you are out of town on business.
I'm slowly beginning to smile. As the other woman - you deserve EVERYTHING you get. No pity! As the stbx - I intend to have the last laugh.
Oh - and Ill be out of debt in 10 month. My total debt from all this - 5k. He's ALL YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author is correct - all this information does NOT come out in an affair - only after all the damage is done. And by then, the INNOCENT spouse is long gone. And karma kicks in !
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteHi Joy thank you for your letter. I am a Christian and as such do believe that spells of any kind is not from God.
DeleteThere are several references to witchcraft in the Bible that strongly condemn such practices. For example, Deuteronomy 18:11-12 condemns anyone who "..casts spells, or who is a medium or who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is an abomination to the Lord, and because of these detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you", and Exodus 22:18 states "Do not allow a sorceress to live".
Leviticus and Deuteronomy prohibit certain kinds of magic, specifically divination, seeking omens, mediums who commune with the dead, and spell-casters. These acts, as well as other rituals related to Baal and Canaanites, were specifically forbidden to the Israelites. Galatians includes sorcery in a list of "works of the flesh".
Martin Luther shared some of the views about witchcraft that were common in his time. When interpreting Exodus 22:18, he stated that, with the help of the devil, witches could steal milk merely by thinking of a cow.
These are the words of a practising wican: “When we were actively teaching beginning magic and witchcraft classes together, we came to an agreement about one thing as practitioners. Love spells kill.”
Consider this:
1. In using a love spell to get your husband to come back to you, you took away his right to free will. That is manipulating his actions.
2. In using this form of magic, you have opened the door for satan in your life. (If it is not from God, then it is from the dark forces that rule our world) You have given him the legal right to operate in your life. Not only have you put yourself in bondage, but also your husband and your child. Worst of all is that they do not know they have been put in bondage.
I do not want to scare you, but satan never goes home empty handed. He did you a favour and sooner or later he will come back and collect what is due him. Do yourself and your family a favour and go seek help at a church that can deal with this kind of thing. Do not go to a spell caster to break the spell. You cannot use evil to break evil. You also need to deal with yourself and the part you played in the break-up of your marriage.
I am sorry if I come across as being harsh, but if you want someone’s love and respect, you have to get it fair and square, not force it on that person without that person having a say. If you were in your husband position, would you have appreciated being manipulated like that???
Hi Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMy mum always said you cannot build your happiness on the tears of others. In the last two weeks my ex has not only told me, but my kids as well that he still loves me. Wonder how that fits in with her claims that she is so secure in his love for her? Just before he moved out, he told me that she offered to pay his debt, he even hinted of the possibility of getting shares in her business. At present he works for her and she pays him just enough to pay his flat and his maintenance, that is if I can believe him when he complains of how little he gets paid. He is basically financial depended on her. He hasn't paid a cent on his debt and it's starting to catch up on him. I think he is only waiting to get married and then that will probably also become her responsibility, like so many other things she is already taking responsibility for.
So yes justice always prevails in the end. You can choose your actions, but you cannot choose the consequences of those actions.
Enjoy your independence my fellow divorcee. I still have some way to go, but I am also well on my way to financial independence. As for the emotional aspect, you will be completely healed while he will still be at the bottom of the pit he dug for himself. Their arrogance and pride unfortunately keeps them at the bottom of that pit. They never grow emotionally, because they are not willing to admit the mistakes they have made and are still making.
All the best to you, in another year you will look back at this time in your life and you will thank God for giving you another chance at getting the life you totally deserve and did not get with a man that did not respect you enough to be faithful.
I read your reply word for word. I used to pay for the auto insurance and cable / internet bill. BOTH of these bills, now that he's had them for ONE month (!) are now BEHIND. Uh huh. And when he told me he was out of money, I told him, "Talk to your rich girlfriend - you left me for her ... remember? She's not the fun person and I'm the wife in the corner taking all the crap. I will let him fall financially.
DeleteHe is whirlwind dating her and has started taking her out to meet mutual people we know - and he is getting a COOL reception. Many people do NOT want a guy like that around THEIR family - and we did lots of things with couples.
I will remember what you mom said, "You can't build your happiness on the tears of another." And BOTH of them at this point are equally responsible as far as I'm concerned. And she will learn - in time - what she "won."
Hugs.
Hi
ReplyDeleteYou know almost 2 years ago my life crashed around me and I was lucky to end up at a church where I not only got counselling, but also found out what it meant to have a true relationship with God. Getting to know Him was and still is a process that sometimes was and is very hard, but it is SOOOOOO...... worth it. Every single promise God made in the Bible, He kept and is still keeping.
Try to make the decision to forgive your ex. I know it WILL seem impossible, but once you have made the decision, God will change your heart and your emotions. Also make the choice not to allow bitterness and hatred to destroy your life. It robs you of your peace of mind and sanity. I felt so bitter and I wanted revenge and in the end I got angry with God for allowing me to suffer while my ex was having all the fun. It killed me emotionally. It stops you from moving forward. Once I let go and let God, my whole life changed. I know that in the end my ex will pay the price for his sins, because God is a just God, but God will decide how and when and in the end it will depend on one more choice as to where he will end up. I don't have to carry that baggage with me anymore, but instead can concentrate on moving forward and belief me, that if you are walking with God He WILL change your miserable divorce into something sweet and beautiful. I know, cause I have been their and today I thank God for what happened to me.
All the best and remember to walk forward and not backwards. God bless.
I really appreciate your words. I'm afraid it's too early for me for forgiveness but I AM beginning to see why it is important to not allow myself to be used for someone else's SELFISH gain. I did realize that by staying in the marriage, I am condoning his behavior. I explained to him that I am not going to be used to pay bills while he takes other people out to have fun. I told him if he wants to have fun with another person, SHE can also deal with the bills - let's see how hard she works to support him. Last I heard this week, he is looking for a couch and a bed - to replace the one I took from the house when he told me to get out so he could move into her place. I'm LMAO!!!
ReplyDeleteHe said he is now staying there from time to time - but he can't get back in our (foreclosed) house because he has no bed and couch yet. I love it!!!
"As for the emotional aspect, you will be completely healed while he will still be at the bottom of the pit he dug for himself. Their arrogance and pride unfortunately keeps them at the bottom of that pit. They never grow emotionally, because they are not willing to admit the mistakes they have made and are still making."
ReplyDeleteFollow up: I just started counseling this week. Will be going weekly. I do not intend to sit in the bottom of the pit with him. He is still having a blast - but as my counselor says .... "reality will be injected into their relationship at some point..." and my goal is to focus on myself and healing from his verbal and emotional abuse of me.
Then, while he and his co-cheater are rooming and boarding together, they can wonder who is cheating on who (he even offered to cheat with ME on HER - LOL LOL LOL). .... and I intend to heal myself from the inside out.
Hugs
Hi my friend, so happy for you. It is always good to get someone else's perspective on things. My ex also wanted to come visit on the sly and wanted me to become his confidante. I am also working on healing from his verbal and emotional abuse, even after 18months I still have to hear what a bad mother I am, what a psychopath I am, blah blah blah. He's basically just transferring his own feelings about himself on to me because he just cannot face what he has become.
ReplyDeleteYou concentrate on yourself. Soon you will start to see the pros of being alone and how much better you are off without having someone that is and probably was just holding you back from reaching your full potential. My ex claims to be so happy, but they don't say for nothing that the eyes are the windows to a persons soul. Inside his, there is nothing. I am actually sorry for him. Although you cannot yet see it on the outside, he's downward spiral of his chosen path has already begun. It is just a matter of time before everything falls apart for him. Thank God I am already at the point where I won't rejoice, but will genuinely feel sorry for him. In Afrikaans we have a saying "Spyt kom te laat", It means when it is too late, then the real sorrow hits you. I am afraid it will be the case with him.
Enjoy the sessions and write to me to let me know how you are doing.
Hugs
I wanted to give you a follow up to my posts below. My husband and I are now divorced. I decided the best gift I can give him is exactly what he wants - to get rid of me. Oddly enough, I'm not sure his mistress is all that into him as he is now holding garage sales to raise money - I thought SHE was going to give him money - that's why he left me!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, my job is stable, secure and rock solid. He has more than 45k in debt, is a serial cheater who just left his decade long relationship for a woman who helped him cheat. They have made their bed and they can lie in it. Your words have been very honest and supportive.
In his 40s I think he may have a hard time trying to find a woman to pick up the financial pieces of his life as well as tend to his emotional (or lack there of) needs. What I do know is that I am no longer responsible for taking the emotional abuse he's dished out to me for years through his affairs. And if his cheating partner thinks she has something I don't, I WELCOME HER to my portion. I'm done with the meal - she can have my left overs! hugs!
Hi so glad to hear you have decided to look forward and not get stuck in the past. My divorce was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but looking back it was also the best thing that could have happened to me. I was stuck in a marriage that was going no where and that wasn't close to what it should have been. Being forced to get divorced made me realise how dysfunctional my marriage was and how much I was losing out. I now have a life that is actually moving forward and I have a wonderful relationship with God. Something I would not swop for anything this world has to offer. My ex is still living of his now fiancé and probably will for the rest of his life. She will end up like me, broke and old from all the worries. Good luck to her, she deserves what is coming her way. He will probably never understand or admit the magnitude of what he did, but being an emotional invalid, that is to be expected.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you and make 2014 the best year of your life. I know This year is going to be stunning for me. Keep in touch. X
My husband married the woman he cheated with. Know what? The door for reconciliation is NOT closed! The Bible says that whoever leaves their spouse and marries someone else commits adultery. That kind of marriage doesn't last.
ReplyDeleteI don't stalk or do anything, I just leave them alone. That relationship doesn't need my help to fall apart, and when it does, I am more than willing to reconcile with my husband. I still love him and I do know that he still loves me.
Keep in mind that Moses *permitted* marriage because of hardness of hearts. Now if your heart is hard, you don't forgive. If God can forgive us if we commit adultery, why won't we do the same with our spouses?
I think it's a lie from Satan that if your spouse marries the person they left you for, all bets are off for reconciliation. As I said, I am leaving the door open.
Moses permitted "divorce", check your letter. Anyhoo, it isn't necessarily a hardened heart that prevents remarriage to my ex. My ex-spouse did the same; numerous random affairs, even with a married church "sister", lies, tricks with money, intimidation, physical and emotional abandonement at various times throughout, public humiliation, etc. He emotionally tortured me and our sons for years, divorced us and married his mistress.
DeleteThank God for Jesus Christ. You can imagine after 20 years of being held emotionally captive, healing was necessary. God began to show me my brokenness and ways to heal. I had stayed because of guilt and I was unaware of how to get better and was financially unable to pack and go. Since I already am biblically assured that his day is yet to come and he needs complete heart and mind spiritual surgery, why would I return to such a broken and twisted man?
He is unrepentant and deranged. To add to it all, he has completely cut himself off from our sons, who are still hurting despite being adults now.
Sometimes it's a matter of knowing that I am God's Princess and knowing that I am worthy of a great man who adores Jesus and honours and follows His laws. Afterall, if a man turns his back on God, perverts his statutes and refuses to honour Him, why would i expect him to treat God's daughter any better???? He doesn't even fear his Creator!!!!!, therefore, in his eyes, who am I?!
Because I know my worth I choose the best that God has and I keep my bounderies in tact; why would I allow my abuser to return into my life except for the case of our sons?. Besides that, God allowed divorce in the case of insessant adultery.
Now remarriage biblically is another topic. I believe in forgiveness but that does not automatically open the door of reentry for remarriage to my for m er abuser, my dear. Imagine how many years it would take someone like that to be delivered! Not an option. Now, I wait patiently for the right one God will choose for me.
Amen to that. I want to add that with God nothing is impossible. He can change a person supernaturally, but I agree that most of the time it doesnt happen. We can only pray that our lost ex spouses will find God.
DeleteAmen to that Alexandra. I have been divorced for 2 years, but I still think of my ex as my husband. He is also engaged to his lover, but whenever I look at him I can see the pain in his eyes. He has also hardened his heart and I am praying that God will bring something or someone across his path who will help him find God. I would definitely consider reconciliation should I get the chance. However I also want to say that I do not want the old *** back. I have found God and unless he is willing to also go that route I cannot see that we can be happy together. I will not give up what I have now for anything in this world. I would rather stay single than go back to the marriage I had.
ReplyDeleteI too am waiting for my ex husband to return home ! I was married for 35yrs.and now have been standing for 12yrs. From what I have heard all.Is not going well!! I too have left them alone!! God is my vindicator! There marriage is doomed!! Remember this waiting takes time so be prepared for a long wait!!
ReplyDeleteI want to thank God for the use ( drsunnydsolution1@gmail.com ) as my source of salvation after 2 years of unemployment and my lover left me alone for 2 years, only broken heart until I met after a Dr.sunny ladies testimony how he was helped by the same Dr. sunny , so we decided to contact him and when I told him all my problems laughed and said this is not a problem. everything will be fine in three days. Exactly on the third day of my ex lover call me surprised me and what surprised me was that a company applies for more than four months ago called and said I should return to work as soon as possible.Am very grateful to Dr. sunny , if you wish to contact him, his email is ( drsunnydsolution1@gmail.com ) it makes the spell as follows ( 1) If you want your ex back . ( 2) you need a divorce in your relationship ( 3) Want to be promoted in his office. ( 4) Would you men and women run after you. ( 5) If you want a child. (6 ) Do you want to be rich. (7 ) You want to tie your husband and wife to be yours forever. ( 8) If you need financial assistance. ( 9) Herbal Care Contact him today ( drsunnydsolution1@gmail.com ) Be Useful judge sin emphasize Today
ReplyDeleteChat Conversation End
Hi I would like to respond to your letter as follows. You say you want to thank God. Which God are you talking about? In SA we have what we call sangomas, people who use herbs and body parts and who talk to the dead to help people. These people you used to get your boyfriend back sounds to me a lot like our sangomas. The Bible is very clear about talking to the dead Deut 18:11 - God forbids it.
DeleteAlso I believe this is not from God and if it is not from God it is from satan. He will give you what you want, but in return he will take your soul. I would rather be husbandless, than be soulless. Also I don't want my husband back if there wasn't a significant change in him and only the Holy Spirit can bring that kind of a change in a person's life. Why would I want to go back to the same meaningless marriage I had?
You have gotten your boyfriend back, but has anything change re the reason he left in the first place. Are you not deceiving yourself when you think you can just pick up where you left off and everything will be wonderful? Sooner or later the old problems are going to start reappearing again and then you might be even worse of because now there might be a child in the picture.
I want my ex to come back because he wants to and not because he was tricked into coming back.
Dear Madelein,
ReplyDeleteI firstly would like to say that I am very sorry for the pain that you endured when you either found out or were told by your ex-husband that he was having an affair. I don't doubt that you now see it as a blessing but certainly at the time it caused you a lot of suffering.
I say sorry because I am someone who has caused this pain on another. I have wanted to apologise to her personally but was asked not to because she is still hurting.
I'm not sure that my affair is as typical as you describe above but the hurt and pain is all still there.
We were both married when it commenced sixteen months ago. The connection we had was more about the emotional than the physical. This is an explanation rather than a justification.
I have children but he does not. He couldn't because even though they had been married longer than me they had never had sex.
They married early and for both of them it was their first ever relationship. He married her because he was scared he wouldn't find anyone else.
Unlike my marriage, they never fought. They lived their lives in a routine way, with him describing it as being on automatic.
It has just occurred to him that he has been suffering depression, not understanding why he didn't understand the need to be happy. It truly hurts to hear him say this. I think it's fair to say that he didn't do a lot in life. He worked five days and spent weekends at home or attending church on a Sunday morning. Life had a routine.
My marriage was unhappy. We had spoken many times about going our separate ways, even agreeing how to divide our assets several times. We knew we were staying together for the kids. I remember when I told him that I wanted a divorce because I knew I didn't love him anymore - his response was, "I knew that, what's changed?" It was so clear to me that if I stayed I was going to muck up the kids’ lives just as much as if I left.
I never set out to have an affair. It started online and by telephone in the sense that I’d not met him in person. It was comfortable and easy. When we met I saw his wedding ring and immediately said, no way would I do anything. We were travelling interstate for work. Before the flight we were looking over some documents and I could feel (we both could) this strange electricity between us. The trip was comfortable. We talked a lot. Nothing physical happened and we didn’t voice our feelings.
Once we’d returned home, something happened – I was required to travel again the very next week. This was extremely unusual and hadn’t happened ever before. I asked if he’d like to join me if I could arrange it. He immediately said yes.
This trip was similar but different. We both wanted to spend the maximum amount of time together. We talked for hours. It was 11pm and he was still in my room. After much pondering I bit the bullet and asked him if he’d like to stay. He wasn’t sure and I was so frightened that I’d ruined things.
He eventually stayed. There was kissing and touching but no sex.
The next morning wasn’t at all awkward; this surprised me. We were comfortable and still wanting to spend time together.
For about three weeks we caught up in the park two/three times to talk, kiss and cuddle. We were growing closer. We were both happy again.
Then his wife went away for three weeks, giving us the opportunity to spend more time together. He changed radically – he was light and free. Our time together was wonderful. I’ll never forget spending seven hours in the park and forgetting to have dinner.
We were starting to think more seriously about the future. I left my husband and as soon as his wife returned he told her about me. She wanted him to stop seeing me but he told her he couldn’t. We behaved like we were dating but going home destroyed him.
He started seeing a counsellor and I left the relationship to give him a chance to decide what he wanted. He wanted to know that he was leaving his marriage because it was broken, rather than for another woman.
ReplyDeleteWe weren’t great at keeping apart. We messaged each other 2-3 times each week even though we knew we shouldn’t.
Four months later and with counselling he left his wife. We immediately got back together again. However it only lasted four months.
In those four months he would stay with me 3-4 nights each week (while my kids weren’t with me) and then he would return home to his bedroom. This did us a lot of damage.
On the nights he was with me he was calm, happy, positive, exploring what he understood of himself and building his confidence.
He often described the decision for him as being allowed to have what he wanted (a relationship with me) v what he was obliged to do (honour his marriage commitment).
The guilt became too much and we ended our relationship four months ago. He can’t forgive himself for hurting someone who was his best friend for thirteen years. Our relationship started my deception and it has damaged his character. Regardless of whether he would be a better and happier individual in a relationship with me, he believes he is not entitled to have that relationship because of how we started.
Three months after we split we saw one another again and that instant chemistry was there. We agreed to have lunch the following week. Lunch became ten hours. It felt so comfortable all over again. We talked about things worrying him and he got so much strength from our discussions. He didn’t want to go home (they don’t live together any more) after the ten hours but I had to go.
Sadly this didn’t change anything. We are still apart. We are two people who love one another, have natural chemistry and are compatible. We both feel stronger and are better individuals when we are together. He used to describe us as his adult relationship. The way we started has poisoned the chance of a future. I’ve never felt so empty. I still can’t understand why this happened – why did I have to meet him? Why wasn’t it someone it could never have worked with forever?
I was never delusional about there being hard times in our marriage (which we spoke about). I simply thought those hard times together by communicating with the help of counselling if we needed it. We’ve struggled a lot in these sixteen months but the love we have for one another, the chemistry, our ability to work together and feel comfortable and ‘right’ together never went away. It would have been far easier to find someone else without all this stress, tears and heartache but even today I know that he is the one true love I’ve ever known and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else my entire life. Hence why I don’t understand why God brought him into my life while I was married.
Hi thank you for your comment. Yes my ex’s affair was probably the most painful thing I have had to endure, but looking back I thank God for how things have worked out. Because I was naïve I allowed satan to steal my joy, happiness, peace and marriage, but now I look back and see what happened as the biggest blessing in my life. I guess I learnt that when you make choices without consulting God, you have to carry the consequences. I do not say I have all the answers, but I know that in future I will always want to consult God about everything. He took my mistakes and turned them into blessings, something only God can do. I have learnt that His grace is more than enough. I have learnt that God honours obedience to His Word.
DeleteYou say that you do not understand why God has allowed this to happen to you. I want to say to you that this relationship is not from God. God honours the marriage covenant between you, your husband and Himself. To send someone into your life you can love after that covenant was made would make God a liar and that His is not. Rather I would ask you to sit down and think about what doors you could have opened up for satan to come in and start deceiving you. Things like bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, pornography, ectr. Go look at what strongholds satan planted in your life through lies he told you and start there. God is our Source for healing and restoration, but we need to choose to believe it and to take what Jesus has already paid the price for and make it our own.
My mother always said you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s tears. Tears are no foundation for a solid marriage/relationship, especially if it is the tears of someone else. Sooner or later it will come back to you. I am probably telling you things you do not want to hear, but trust me the judgement/guilt/bitterness, ectr you are going to eventually feel because of this affair, is not worth it. Your friend is already experiencing it in the form of guilt. The only way you can get rid of those feelings of guilt, judgement, ectr is to repent, but that also means to choose between obeying God and following your heart, because repent also means to walk away from your sin. You and you alone can make that choice. I do not know what kind of relationship you have with God, if at all, but if you do know Him you already know that what you got yourself involved in is not from Him.
This situation can also turn into a blessing for you, but you are going to have to choose to do the right thing and walk away. Both of you should first seek joy, peace and healing with God and the rest He will do. Remember happiness is an emotion depending on another person to be there for you, while joy and peace are fruits of the Holy Spirit. The one is temporary and the other is everlasting. What I can tell you are that I will for nothing on this earth trade the joy and peace I have found in Jesus Christ. Satan is constantly trying to steal it, but God gave me a spirit of strength, love and self-control and every day I am learning more of the power I have with Jesus Christ in me. It may be the hardest thing for you to do now, but in the long run the blessings you will receive from putting your faith in the healing power of Jesus Christ will surpass all the pain you will be feeling now. You have to decide how much you are prepared to give up. Our pastor always says “If you want to accept Jesus Christ, you will only have to give up ALL of yourself”. Are you willing to give up all of yourself, including your emotional and physical need and dependence on this guy and follow God or would you rather follow your heart? Both will have consequences. In the end you need to decide which consequences you want to carry with you. It is so easy to look at the here and now and not see a future, but once you have learnt to trust God with your future, it becomes easier to sit back in His rest and wait for the abundance He has promised to those who obey Him. Open your heart to Him and you will never again look back. Blessings.
The Bible is quite clear in that we are permitted to "put away" a spouse for adultery ;- https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205:31-32
ReplyDeleteIn addition, I believe God's forgiveness is available for all those who truly repent. I divorced my husband for adultery and he married his affair partner. As far as I am aware they are not sorry - certainly if they are, I know nothing of it.
The catalogue of misfortunes they have suffered since being married would fill this blog. As someone else said, you can build your hapiness on someone else's misery.
This really it close to home. Thank you. I needed this.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. People in these adulterous (and that's what they are even if they "marry") relationships may remain together for decades pretending that all is well when it went downhill long ago. They selfishly betrayed and caused untold pain so they have to pretend all is well with the new "partner" even long after it's gone to hell, but they refused to listen when the former spouse and family begged them to have decency.
ReplyDeleteHi in a previous comment I have given my reasons for why I believe messing around with spells are dangerous. Besides I want my husband to come back to me on his own, not because he was forced by some unseen force. I didnt take the advice I got re using a spell to get my husband back and guess what? He didnt come back. 5 Years later I am so glad I didnt force the issue by using a spell. My life at the moment without him is so much better than it ever was with him. I was just so blinded by my love for him I couldnt see it. If I had a choice now I would not want him back. So no I didnt use a spell to get him back and yes thank God I didnt.
ReplyDelete