When I started writing this blog I would have agreed and let
him fry, but I’m not the same person any more. A friend said to me the other
day, not knowing that I wrote a blog about the consequences of adultery, to go
and read up about how serious the consequences of adultery are. Just after I
found out about his affair, I came upon scriptures in the Bible about the
consequences of adultery that made my hair stood up and that was at a time when
I didn’t even understood exactly what it meant. So much has changed in my life since then. At
one stage I prayed that God would give me the same love for him, I have for
other people. There was a time that I just couldn’t love him like God wanted me
to love him. The hate and bitterness I felt was just too much, but God dealt
with those feelings. Now he is just the father of my children and the man and
friend I loved for 20 years, not the man that betrayed and abandoned me. Well
most of the time I feel like that these days. In a way I feel sorry for him. He
was a man with such strong principles, yes maybe he wasn’t always the
provider I wanted him to be and yes maybe he didn’t always fulfil my emotional
needs, but I loved him and was proud of him just the way he was. I knew what I
got into when I married him and I was ok with it. It wasn’t always easy, but
then I wasn’t perfect either.
My point is, he is still the father of my children. He might
not agree with this, but he had a good life. He had a wife that loved him and
would have done anything for him, children that adored him, good friends and
family that were always there, doesn’t matter how they personally felt about
some of the stuff he did. He had already threw away and destroyed 20years of
his life; I would hate to see him destroy the next 10. That would be 30 years
of his life wasted, numerous relationships wrecked and on top of all that, the
emotional hell he will be going through. I have told him before that eventually
he will still have to face himself and at this rate he will be completely alone
when those emotions eventually erupt. From what I have read about the affects an
affair and divorce have on kids and from what I have seen happening with the children of friends, he
will be very lucky if his kids still care at that point.
I understand now how Satan used our soft spots and
weaknesses to pull us apart. How he used other people to come between us. Yes I
am sad I did not know all of these things 3 years ago. I would have still had
my husband and my kids their father, but it is too late now for me to fight
that battle, but it’s not too late for him to fight the battle. The only
problem is he doesn’t know how to recognise the enemy. Or that is what I think,
looking at his life. He is still so blinded that he doesn’t want to hear that
he can still get out of this mess relatively intact. It is so sad that the
longer he fights this, the more destroyed he will be at the end. I came upon
photos of him taken in Jan 2012 and one taken about 6 months later and I was
shocked. Photos don’t lie. He aged 5 years in 6 months. He tries to convince me
and himself of how happy he is, but the light is gone from his eyes. I know, I
saw that light so many times there and now it is gone. Sometimes I think he had
convinced himself he deserves to suffer for the rest of his life and that is
why he doesn’t do anything. Knowing him that is so like him to punish himself
for what he did. There is also of course the fact that I believe he is caught
up in such a strong bondage that he just don’t know how to break. He is like a piece of driftwood, just
floating along, hoping that there won’t be a waterfall around the next bend
where he would fall to his end. Or maybe he does? Who knows? He is a closed
book, only showing the true him when he feels safe and nowadays that is not
very often.
In Church yesterday our pastor said that after a prayer
session he feels the warrior against Satan stand up inside off him and that is
how I have been starting to feel lately. The other night a christen band leader
said that we should stop worrying about what people will say and start telling
people about God. Once again Satan is using fear, fear of rejection, to shut
Christians all over the world up. I don’t want to be one of those Christians
that shuts up, I can’t keep quiet any more about all the things God has done
for me in the last year. My doctor is worried that I might have what he calls
“hidden depression”, because it apparently happens to people that went through
what I did. I don’t feel depressed, but I thought maybe I should go on
medication just in case. Then yesterday while we were praising God with our
songs I realised I don’t need anti-depressants. God is my anti-depressant.
Thanks to Jesus in me it continually feels like there is a light shining inside
of me, that wants to break free. Telling people about God is something He wants
us to do and He promised us that He will give us everything we need in order to
do it. My ex is just one of the people I want to tell about God. My friends
and family are worried about how it will affect me emotionally, but I am not.
God also promised to protect my heart and my feelings.
In our church we do not believe in woman counselling a man
and vice versa and I fully agree. I also won’t want to counsel him. I guess I
just want him to also know how powerful the God he says he believes in, are. I
would like him to see God the way I have come to see Him, as true and faithful,
as a Healer and Provider, Friend and Confidant, always there to guide, support
and carry you. My life has changed so much since I truly made an effort to have
a relationship with God and it saddens me to see someone so important to my
kids, miss the opportunities God is providing. However I have learnt that it doesn’t
matter how much you want to help and do good to someone, most of the time you
need someone on the other end that wants to be helped. So what is the solution?
There is only one solution and that is to leave it in God’s hands. I know God
loves my ex and wants Him to become part of His family; that is the only way
God can take care of him. I can try and tell him about God, but God will do the
saving. I can only pray and bind the works of Satan in his life. It is almost
like a paramedic on an accident scene. You do what you can for your patient preparing
him for the doctor waiting at the hospital and after that it is out of your
hands and in the hands of the doctor. The difference is that as critically
injured patients we don’t really have a choice in what happens to us after the
accident and there is no guarantee that we will see the light of day again. As
wounded people we do have a choice in what happens to us and if you choose the
right Doctor, not only will you be saved, but your life will be filled to the
brink with all the good things God has in store for you. I can only pray that
all the knocking of God at the door of his heart, will someday be heard over
the drumming of Satan in his mind.
Yes I have to bother, because he is one of
the people Gods want to have with Him in heaven one day and if I want to call
myself a disciple then I have to share my knowledge of God with him doesn’t
matter what people say or think about my motives.
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