We grew up
as what some people will call ‘boertjies”. We came from an Afrikaans farming
community with a relatively conservative upbringing. He grew up in an English
household and from what I have seen, a more liberal upbringing. My family have
always been straight forward kind of people. We don’t beat around the bush, we
stick together and we are loyal. Oh sure we have our fights, but family have
always been more important and we always sort our problems out. We can be
brutally honest, but that is exactly what made the bond between us so strong.
We know exactly where we stand with each other. We don’t hesitate to tell each
other the truth if we think it is in the person’s best interest. I can honestly
say that there is not one single thing between me and my family at the moment.
We have dealt with all our issues. As far as I know the same goes for the rest
of my family. We love each other and therefore we do not let society’s rules,
stop us from protecting each other in which-ever way necessary.
My ex’s
family from what I have seen, do not like to step on each other’s toes. I could
never understand it, because how do you truly get to know someone if you are
not honest with them about how you feel. I can understand it when it is someone
outside the family, but when it comes to family you should be able to be honest
with them about stuff. In the end that’s all you have in this world, your
family. They don’t say blood is thicker than water for no reason. True I think
they dealt with a lot of stuff, but there have also been things they have never
dealt with or took so long to deal with that it caused so much unnecessary pain
and division. In Afrikaans we have a saying “Moenie ‘n moordkuil van jou hart
maak nie”. It means to say and do what’s in your heart, that way there can be
no misunderstandings.
My ex told
me a while back that he is angry with me and he hates my family.
I think that
says it all. My ex is angry with my family, because he feels they treated him
like an outsider. Right from the start he felt that they looked down on him.
Whenever we visited them, he would put on this mask, portraying someone he
wasn’t. He never allowed them to see the real person and because my family
aren’t stupid they picked up on the fact that he wasn’t who he wanted them to
think he was. Now I ask the question, what would you have done it you were in
their situation? Together with that was the fact that in the first 10 years of
our marriage he had about 10 jobs and we moved probably the same amount of
times. We constantly had to go to them for financial help and my sister picked
up on the fact that I was a nervous wreck. All he was showing to them was this
man that wasn’t giving his wife any security and who tried to con them into
thinking he was someone he wasn’t. Considering how tight we were, can you blame
them for getting antagonistic towards him? By
not being open with them, he chose not to be part of the family. By not trusting
them with his feelings, he chose to become an outsider. Can he
really blame them for protecting one of their own? Is his anger and hate
towards them justified, if he was the one that cause the antagonism with his
attitude?
As to being
angry with me, that is another mystery to me. Wasn’t he the one that made the
choice to go outside our marriage? Did I force him to make that choice? Did I
initiate divorce procedures? Was I the one that refused to give our marriage a
chance by not giving us a chance to correct our mistakes? Is it my fault he
finds himself in a corner now, having exhausted his options? Is it my fault he
isn’t seeing his children as much as he could have? Did I force him to move
out? So why is he directing his anger towards me? Why is he using our children to get back at me?
Again I
think this says it all. Is it fair that he should blame me for the consequences
of his choices?
Six months
ago I was at a place where I was angry with my ex for putting our family through
all the hurt, with the world in general because it was a miserable place to
life in and with God for allowing all this to happen to me. It brought a spirit
of hate, bitterness and unforgiveness into my life which completely destroyed
my peace of mind. It was busy destroying me. Round about that time I read a
book about anger. The author said we get angry because of our inability to
control people and their actions which in turn results in our goals not being
realised. I didn’t really need to read the book, because several of my friends
basically told me the same thing, I just chose not to listen to them and I had
to deal with the consequences of that decision. I realise that the only thing I
have some control over was God’s purpose for my life. I didn’t have control
over His purpose for my life, but I had control over how it will play out in my
life. I could choose to defy Him, but the last year was testimony to what that
defiance would bring to my life or I could chose to let go and let God. I had
to forgive my ex and his lover because that is what God demanded from me. I
also had to ask for forgiveness for blaming God for my miserable situation. I
had to face myself and forgive myself for my part in the failure of my
marriage. It meant being brutally honest with myself. It wasn’t easy and it
wasn’t something I enjoyed, but it brought peace and freedom. I had to make a
choice to life for myself and make my own rules or to follow God’s rules.
The
last 6 months is testimony to why it is better to follow God’s rule. He knew
what He was doing when he put the guidelines to life in the Bible. After all He
is our Maker, why should He not know what is best for us. What makes us think
that we know better, when our lives are testimony of what happens when you walk
away from God? You only have to look at the world to see how unqualified we are
to make the rules. It is in our sinful nature to destroy; nature,
relationships, each other. God is the only One that can heal and fix what we
have chosen to destroy.
If you allow
anger to fester, it WILL destroy you, your life and everyone around you. The
only way to deal with anger is to make peace with yourself first and second to
make peace with your enemies. To forgive!!!!!!!!!! Have the guts to turn to
yourself and fix your mistakes. Allow God to make you a new person. It is not
always easy and it takes a lot of hard work. Not work in the sense of doing
something, but work in the sense of putting all you faith in God’s plan for
you. It is hard work to keep the faith. Every day we get bombarded with attacks
from Satan to try and destroy our faith. You have to work hard at keeping you
armour in place. How do you do that? With OBEDIENCE TO GOD’S WORD. How do you
obey God? By getting to know Him, talking to Him and listening to His voice.
In the end it comes down to another choice. Do you let go of your anger and live or do you hold on to it and allow your soul to die a slow miserable death. Some people don't have the guts to look at themselves, but in the end they will carry the consequences of that form of cowardice. Their life will show the fruits of anger, bitterness and hate. Those who have the courage to take the leap of faith and trust God to show them who they are and allow Him to change them will show the fruits of peace and joy in their lives.
Trust me
when I say that hanging on to anger, how justified, is not worth it in the end.
It will destroy you. It will waste valuable time.
