Once a cheater, always a cheater???

I have always been open to reconciliation with my ex, despite what anyone said. I have always believed that we loved each other for 20 years and for that reason alone we can make our marriage work. After I found out about his affair, he said he wanted to make our marriage work. He told me he broke contact with his mistress and wanted to safe our marriage. A month later I by accident came across emails they were writing to each other. I accused him of not been sorry about the affair, but being sorry that he got caught. The last year I had numerous occasions where he would say one thing to me and another to his mistress. If he really wanted his family back, why wasn’t he making more of an effort? It got me to thinking if this was really the first time he cheated.

Just after we moved in together, he decided to go on boy’s nights every Wednesday. I was very upset about it, because I felt we were a unit now and there shouldn’t be any reason why I can’t go with him. The occasional night out with his friends I didn’t mind, but once a week? Most nights he would come home in the early morning hours and once he came home just before lunch the next day, having some excuse about his bike that broke down. It didn’t add up, because I went looking for him, expecting to find him lying in a ditch somewhere. His friends told me he left the previous night before midnight. I didn’t want to believe that he was lying so I left it at that. Then there were phone calls from woman inviting him to parties in the middle of the night, phone calls from woman telling me he is with another woman, love letters written to him by woman, ear rings (even while he was cheating on me with his current mistress and it was definitely not hers, way to cheap) and handbags I found in our car and once I came home unexpectedly and found him and a friend coming down from our bedroom.

He always loved the attention he got from women and there were a lot of them. They were always all over him. I once told him he shouldn’t be so friendly to women who made it obvious how they felt about him, but of course he told me that was the way he is with everyone. He always had an excuse and when I questioned him, he would accuse me of being jealous, to the point that I felt I was wrong for doubting him. He would turn it around saying that I was suspicious because I was hiding something. He would “lose” money, once over a R1000, another time R900 disappeared out of a locked box. He said he thought it was one of his friends, but of course we had no proof. Then there were the internet and adult movies. There were porn all over the house and at one point he started mentioning swapping partners with another couple and having a threesome. I was totally against it, so he eventually stopped talking about it. He admitted to meeting his ex, secretly several years after it happened. I caught him once having secret telephone conversations with a girl he met when he went to visit his family alone. (He would often go visit his family alone, saying he needed to get away.) After he promised to stop it, I caught him lying about it again. He then admitted he took his wedding ring off because they all wanted to go out and her father was a pastor and would not have allowed her to go out with them if he knew he was married. Then just before we moved back to the Cape something huge happened to someone we really cared about. He told me about it, but for some reason he couldn’t tell the person it affected the most, putting that person’s health in danger. I could not understand why, but thinking about it, I think he was right there in the middle of it. If he told this person about it he would have run the risk of being exposed himself. It all makes sense now.

When I found out about the affair, he showed very little remorse, instead accusing me of not listening to him when he tried to talk to me, saying it was my fault that he cheated. I can remember several times that we talked and came to some sort of a solution, only to be back to the same old stuff a week later. Him telling me that if I won’t change why should he. I probably should have seen the signs then, but I just couldn’t face having a cheater as a husband. One of the articles said if you suspect your partner cheating, he probably is and I cannot tell you how often I felt suspicious.

As I have always considered reconciliation a possibility, it made me wonder if it was such a good idea. I started wondering if the saying “Once a cheater always a cheater” was true, so I went to the good old net. On most of the forums/boards people agreed that once a cheater always a cheater. Some would agree, but will admit that some cheaters can change, but then something drastic has to happen or they must really want to change. The only people that felt the statement was completely false were admitted cheaters.

That was fine, but I wanted to know what professionals said about it and guess what I couldn’t find all that many articles about it, but what I did find was basically the same as what the people on the boards and forums said.

Here’s what some of the few articles I found said about cheaters:

Cheaters cheat for different reasons, but is comes down to the fact that they are motivated by their own needs, doing what they want with little concern for the people they hurt. They may genuinely care about their partner, but their own needs and desires always come first. They are selfish people who want it all and they do not care about the cost.  They will usually blame their partner, their relationship, the person they cheated with or the circumstances surrounding the affair, but never themselves. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they CHOOSE to betray the trust of another person. Cheating is not only SELFISH BUT CRUEL AS WELL.  If cheating is a coping mechanism, cheaters can change but not without therapy of some sort. If they don’t want counselling, chances are they will cheat again. (about.com – Mike Hardcastle)

In another article it says that you have to determine why a person cheats. According to this article there might be a genetic component to cheating; a spouse’s level of attractiveness, risk taking nature and sexual desire - can make it difficult to change. Once again the writer suggest that unless the cheater is serious about stopping and are willing to receive some form of counselling, chances are he /she will do it again.  In a survey that was done out of 35634 men that were questioned 59% admitted that they cheated more than once on their partners.  Here some of the signs of cheating:

·         Excessive showering – yes

·         Suddenly can’t reach your spouse on the phone at certain times of the day – yes

·         Finding an excuse not to share your bed – yes

·         Very protective and secretive re his phone – yes

·         Getting text messages and phone calls all the time – yes

·         Finding excuses to go out without you – yes

·         Starting to take extra care of himself – yes

·         Locking his car, in my case finding empty papers of pills he used during sex - yes

·         Agreeing to counselling and then suddenly becoming the perfect spouse – yes

(The truth about deception)

In yet another article I found, the following was said. Research have shown that about 22% of married then will cheat on their partners, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriages will cheat. So how do you know you are dealing with a chronic cheater? Here are 5 signs that indicated your cheater is not a chronic case and there is hope for your marriage:

·         Your partner is truly remorseful – NO

·         Your partner cuts of contact with his lover – NO

·         The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you – NO

·         You wound up having deep, open and honest discussions about your relationship – NO

·         Your partner agrees to counselling – NO

Some signs of cheating:

·         Working late - Yes

·         Suddenly taking trips you can’t go on – yes

·         New hobbies that don’t include you – Yes

·         Mysterious phone calls or SMS’s – Yes

·         Unexplained usage of money – Yes

·         More distant, angry or picky – Yes

(Psychology Today)

So what does all of this mean to me? Was my ex a chronic cheater or not? Looking back over the last 20 years I am sad to say that too many times I have seen some or all of these signs. Does it mean just because I couldn’t prove anything he didn’t cheat. I think it’s safe to say no. After reading these articles I experienced such a rage at the way in which he betrayed my love and trust for him.  More than that, I was angry with myself. Not only did I allow this man to walk all over my self-respect, but I put my health at risk. I have to small children and I could have ended up with AIDS.

Last night I sat with my children and once again I was faced with their need for us to be together again. I had to make the decision of whether I would risk him cheating on me again if things should somehow work out for us and to be honest I know I don’t want to do that to myself again. My children do not need a cheater as an example in their lives. Not only is he teaching them no respect for their partners, but his also teaching them it’s ok to have no self-control.
So sadly I suppose I got my answer. We were together for 20 years and married for 18 years. After I discovered his affair I changed that 18 to 16 because I didn’t count the two years he was unfaithful to me, now I wonder if I could even make that I year? I suppose there’s no one as blind as he who doesn’t want to see.

At the end of the day I have the consolation that even thought he walked all over my heart and used me, I am the one that walks out of this marriage with my self-respect and integrity intact.

I SUPPOSE I DESERVE THIS ONE!!!!!!!

Why bother at all?

I have been trying to warn my ex about where he’s heading since the day he moved out. My friends and family will want to crucify me for this and I understand why. What the hell let him fry? For everything he has put me and my kids through and every negative emotion my kids might still suffer he deserves everything that’s coming his way. Yes he does deserve everything that's coming his way. At the same time I do believe, that deep down inside him, he is still the same man I fell in love with. It is like a drug addict, you can blame him for starting to experiment with drugs, but once he's hooked he really have very little control. The same goes for my ex. I blame him for putting his family in such a bad position, but now he's hooked and I realised just like an addict he really don't have all that much control over what is happening. Dr W Hayley (Marriage Builders) actually compares an affair, with an addiction and treats it as such.

When I started writing this blog I would have agreed and let him fry, but I’m not the same person any more. A friend said to me the other day, not knowing that I wrote a blog about the consequences of adultery, to go and read up about how serious the consequences of adultery are. Just after I found out about his affair, I came upon scriptures in the Bible about the consequences of adultery that made my hair stood up and that was at a time when I didn’t even understood exactly what it meant.  So much has changed in my life since then. At one stage I prayed that God would give me the same love for him, I have for other people. There was a time that I just couldn’t love him like God wanted me to love him. The hate and bitterness I felt was just too much, but God dealt with those feelings. Now he is just the father of my children and the man and friend I loved for 20 years, not the man that betrayed and abandoned me. Well most of the time I feel like that these days. In a way I feel sorry for him. He was a man with such strong principles, yes maybe he wasn’t always the provider I wanted him to be and yes maybe he didn’t always fulfil my emotional needs, but I loved him and was proud of him just the way he was. I knew what I got into when I married him and I was ok with it. It wasn’t always easy, but then I wasn’t perfect either.

My point is, he is still the father of my children. He might not agree with this, but he had a good life. He had a wife that loved him and would have done anything for him, children that adored him, good friends and family that were always there, doesn’t matter how they personally felt about some of the stuff he did. He had already threw away and destroyed 20years of his life; I would hate to see him destroy the next 10. That would be 30 years of his life wasted, numerous relationships wrecked and on top of all that, the emotional hell he will be going through. I have told him before that eventually he will still have to face himself and at this rate he will be completely alone when those emotions eventually erupt. From what I have read about the affects an affair and divorce have on kids and from what I have seen happening with the children of friends, he will be very lucky if his kids still care at that point.

I understand now how Satan used our soft spots and weaknesses to pull us apart. How he used other people to come between us. Yes I am sad I did not know all of these things 3 years ago. I would have still had my husband and my kids their father, but it is too late now for me to fight that battle, but it’s not too late for him to fight the battle. The only problem is he doesn’t know how to recognise the enemy. Or that is what I think, looking at his life. He is still so blinded that he doesn’t want to hear that he can still get out of this mess relatively intact. It is so sad that the longer he fights this, the more destroyed he will be at the end. I came upon photos of him taken in Jan 2012 and one taken about 6 months later and I was shocked. Photos don’t lie. He aged 5 years in 6 months. He tries to convince me and himself of how happy he is, but the light is gone from his eyes. I know, I saw that light so many times there and now it is gone. Sometimes I think he had convinced himself he deserves to suffer for the rest of his life and that is why he doesn’t do anything. Knowing him that is so like him to punish himself for what he did. There is also of course the fact that I believe he is caught up in such a strong bondage that he just don’t know how to break.  He is like a piece of driftwood, just floating along, hoping that there won’t be a waterfall around the next bend where he would fall to his end. Or maybe he does? Who knows? He is a closed book, only showing the true him when he feels safe and nowadays that is not very often.

In Church yesterday our pastor said that after a prayer session he feels the warrior against Satan stand up inside off him and that is how I have been starting to feel lately. The other night a christen band leader said that we should stop worrying about what people will say and start telling people about God. Once again Satan is using fear, fear of rejection, to shut Christians all over the world up. I don’t want to be one of those Christians that shuts up, I can’t keep quiet any more about all the things God has done for me in the last year. My doctor is worried that I might have what he calls “hidden depression”, because it apparently happens to people that went through what I did. I don’t feel depressed, but I thought maybe I should go on medication just in case. Then yesterday while we were praising God with our songs I realised I don’t need anti-depressants. God is my anti-depressant. Thanks to Jesus in me it continually feels like there is a light shining inside of me, that wants to break free. Telling people about God is something He wants us to do and He promised us that He will give us everything we need in order to do it. My ex is just one of the people I want to tell about God. My friends and family are worried about how it will affect me emotionally, but I am not. God also promised to protect my heart and my feelings.

In our church we do not believe in woman counselling a man and vice versa and I fully agree. I also won’t want to counsel him. I guess I just want him to also know how powerful the God he says he believes in, are. I would like him to see God the way I have come to see Him, as true and faithful, as a Healer and Provider, Friend and Confidant, always there to guide, support and carry you. My life has changed so much since I truly made an effort to have a relationship with God and it saddens me to see someone so important to my kids, miss the opportunities God is providing. However I have learnt that it doesn’t matter how much you want to help and do good to someone, most of the time you need someone on the other end that wants to be helped. So what is the solution? There is only one solution and that is to leave it in God’s hands. I know God loves my ex and wants Him to become part of His family; that is the only way God can take care of him. I can try and tell him about God, but God will do the saving. I can only pray and bind the works of Satan in his life. It is almost like a paramedic on an accident scene. You do what you can for your patient preparing him for the doctor waiting at the hospital and after that it is out of your hands and in the hands of the doctor. The difference is that as critically injured patients we don’t really have a choice in what happens to us after the accident and there is no guarantee that we will see the light of day again. As wounded people we do have a choice in what happens to us and if you choose the right Doctor, not only will you be saved, but your life will be filled to the brink with all the good things God has in store for you. I can only pray that all the knocking of God at the door of his heart, will someday be heard over the drumming of Satan in his mind.

Yes I have to bother, because he is one of the people Gods want to have with Him in heaven one day and if I want to call myself a disciple then I have to share my knowledge of God with him doesn’t matter what people say or think about my motives.

Why Affair Marriages Fail!

My ex’s mistress is throwing the fact that they are going to get married in my face whenever she gets the chance. She is continually telling me how happy they are and how secure she feels in his love, almost as if she’s trying to convince herself. Now the Bible says that you should try and reconcile, so obviously if they do get married the chances of reconciliation is gone. At this stage I know it is unbiblical of me, but I would not want to remarry my ex based on the fact that he so obviously is not at the same place I am when it comes to his relationship with God, this besides all the other reasons I have. This I based purely on what I am seeing is happening in his life. I do believe he believes in God, but he has not put his faith in God.

Marriage to his mistress I believe will be a huge mistake. Not only do I know what was said between me and him, but I have also told him from the start that you cannot make a success of a relationship that started out with lies and deceit as the basis. Then there are the sayings “you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s unhappiness”, “what you sow you will reap” and some people will bring Carma into this equation. There apparently is a saying that "the person you are with during the divorce will most likely not be the one you are with afterwards”. Most of my friends and sadly there are a lot of them, whose husband/wives had an affair, either never did marry their affair partner or if they did, are on the brink of a second divorce. However that is mine and some other peoples personally feelings, so I went to look at what the statistics say about the chances of marriage to your affair partner lasting.

According to statistics only 3% of men will marry their affair partner. Those who did suffered a 75% divorce rate. Shocking if you consider what they had to give up, eventually ending up in the same position – getting a second divorce. Statistics show that second marriages overall has a higher failure rate than first marriages, 15% within the first 3 years and 25% after 5 years. Makes one wonder if it is really worth it?

According to research I did, here are the most common reasons why affair marriages fail:

During the affair the affair partners are in an intense state of stimulating unreality. The whole affair is based on a fantasy. The second marriage itself is the switch that highlights the mess that has accumulated. Only after the marriage does the divorce become a reality. Only then the people involved, sees what a horrible mistakes they have made. They were so caught up in their fantasy that the reality of what they were doing escaped them.

People that are involved in wrecking a marriage often don’t feel any guilt during the affair and divorce, so the guilt that hits them after the marriage often comes as a total and complete surprise, leading to tension in the new marriage.

Divorces are expensive both emotionally and financially. It will often lead to exhaustion and depression. It is often the case that the one partner will feel this exhaustion more acutely than the other, leading to tension when the one partner does not fully appreciate what it cost the other to get divorced.

Statistics show that people in their forties and older getting remarried will often have emotional, financial and practical difficulties due to the involvement of an ex-partner and children. Where there are children involved the ex-partners essentially stays a co-parenting couple for life. This means out of necessity they stay in a relationship with their ex-partner, which often causes tension in the new relationship. Also often as the children gets older they become resentful towards the new partner, especially if he/she was involved in breaking up their parent’s marriage. Financial concerns re children can also become a point of tension in a new marriage.

If an ex-spouse harbours anger towards her/his ex-partner, particularly if there was infidelity and betrayal involved, this anger can easily extend towards the new marriage causing tension and anxiety e.g. an unfaithful husband/wife may feel guilty at betraying his/her ex-partner which the new partner will pick up on, in return feeling betrayed by her new husbands loyalties.

Generally people feel that anything that cost them emotionally as much as a divorced did, better be worth it. The bigger the sacrifice the bigger the expectation. I remember my ex saying to me just after he moved out that she will pay for what he had to give up. They believe that the marriage will be just as perfect as the affair. Unfortunately they underestimate the reality of real life. They find out that their new marriage is not much different from the first one. They are the same people with the same coping mechanism as what they were in their first marriage.

During the affair and divorce the affair couple isolate themselves. They not only erase the betrayed spouse from their awareness, but also children, relatives and friends. The live in their own little private world, protected from the devastation they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart. Everyone is pointing fingers at them, which draws them together. They have only each other against all the judgemental people outside. Very often important relationships are damaged or destroyed because of the affair. After the marriage they long to reconnect with these people, only to find it’s not that easy. The hurt and disappointment they have caused will often hinder these relationships from being restored, making them feel very lonely.

Second marriages are often build on disappointment following infidelity and betrayal of the first marriage or built on guilt after cheating and abandoning the first spouse. The adulterer eventually has to face disappointment in himself and guilt for what he put his family through. This guilt often gets carried into the new relationship. The new partner will feel this guilt even if it does not show on the surface.

When the reality of the new marriage starts to become evident, one or both partner’s feelings often chances, making them fall “out of love”. They have based their relationship on their emotions, which will change as there circumstances changes and because they do not understand the physics of a relationship if will lead to the destruction of their second marriage as well. I have read the same in a book Neil T Anderson wrote and several people have said the same to me during counselling sessions I had. You cannot rely on your feeling of being “in love” when it comes to marriages. Feeling “in love” is an emotion and emotions will always change as your circumstances changes. Marriage is more than just two people falling in love.

During the affair and divorce the affair couple convinced each other it was the betrayed spouse’s fault. To acknowledge otherwise after the marriage would be a betrayal of the fantasies that fed the affair in the first place. Eventually you have to admit your part in the destruction of your marriage and you may find that you don’t like the truth of it.

Distrust of your new partner also will play a role. There is the fact that if he/she could do it to their former partner, they can do it to their new partner as well. There is often an unwillingness to commit to marriage and the partner will look for affair partners outside of marriage.

Also the fact that there is no shared history will cause problems often resulting in jealousy and insecurity when the past are being discussed. They do not want to hear about the good old days. This can often be very lonely and disheartening. They have to give up a huge part of their history and of who they are. If an affair wrecked the first marriage the history is one of embarrassment, guilt and pain. Not something they will want to bring up in conversation.

It is a pity that most people in affairs will refuse to look at these obstacles until it is too late. I have found this letter on the Marriage Builder website of Dr Willard Harley. It is of a woman who has become the “new wife”. In my opinion it says it all.

 “My perspective is from that of the other woman (OW) who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW [betrayed wife]. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the bitch for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the bitch that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are, you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you…you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise that you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that is.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!…”

30/10/14 

This is a follow-up on the last 2 years since this article has been written. All I can say is, God is AWESOME! Yes it wasn't always easy, but slowly God led me to understand why my marriage failed. Not only did I get to know myself again, but I also healed from all the things that made me become the person that allowed my marriage to fall apart. I am not naive anymore. I can see the forces working in this world clearly now and I know how to protect my kids and myself from them. Yes I am talking about demonic forces - out to destroy all authority structures of which my marriage was one.

I mention this because I constantly get replies from people advising me to use some kind of witch doctor to put a spell on my husband to force him to come back and yes your husbands did come back, but at what cost? Don't you people understand you cannot mess around with a person's will like that. If God the Creator of All WON'T do it, what gives you the right to do it?

Let me tell you what you are getting back.
1. You just invited a demon into your life.
2. You have put a plaster over a very infected marriage - you really think that whatever it was that caused your marriage to break down, is just magically going to disappear. NO! It will fester until 5 years from now it will be so infected that it might very well kill your marriage as well as destroy everybody that are involved.
3. You really think your partner will appreciate being manipulated. Trust me they will find out, because destruction is what satan does. You just gave him the means to do it, once he cannot use you to help destroy others any longer.

Let me tell you the only way to deal with your wayward spouse.

1. First you seek God because He is your only Source.

2. Second you repent of your sins and you accept the salvation He is giving to you for FREE. No money involved.
3. Then you start walking with God, you get to know Him, you talk to Him, you let Him guide you and you start praying. Relationship, NOT religion!!!!!

The result: A healed woman, who for the first time in my life is starting to walk in the victory that Jesus won for me when He gave His life on the Cross.
Now you will say: But you still don't have your husband back. No I don't, but what I found is so much better than the distorted, dysfunctional marriage I had. I can now look at my past life and realise just how much I have missed NOT knowing God. It is not something you can really describe, but something you can only really experience. Nothing in this world will persuade me to let go of what I have now, for what I had 2 years ago. Absolutely nothing! If my marriage gets renewed (which by the way solely depends on the decisions/choices my ex makes with the chances he will be given) it will be a bonus, but if my ex chose not to do what is godly and take up his role as head of his family, I will still be fine. My kids will also be fine, because they have a perfect heavenly Father who will bring them through this just as healed as He did me. You see the watered down, temporary happiness satan offers you, can never compare to the everlasting joy God offers.

So please no more replies giving me advise to go to a witch doctor. I will not follow it and I will not publish it!!!!! You are being deceived if you think you are helping people safe their marriages. You are actually helping someone who follows your advise, destroy their lives as well as how many others satan can get his hands on through the deal they made with him. You might as well have signed your name in BLOOD. Your blood!

 

 

The Grace of God - Licence to sin???

I have been accused of a lot of things in my life and lately of judging peoples spirituality and being a Pharisees. These are people that call themselves Christians. People that think you can call yourself a Christian because you go to church every Sunday and people call them “good”. Sure enough I suppose you can call yourself a Christian if you do those things. The sad thing about it, is that they really do not have a clue as to what it means to have a relationship with God. They are quick to use the phrase “God’s grace” to justify just about anything they do. They are quick to excuse their sins with “God loves everybody equally”.

What exactly does God’s grace mean? It means that despite who and what we are and what we have done, we have been excused.

Ephesian 2:8 For it is by free grace (God’s unmerited favour) that you are saved (delivered from judgement {and} made partakers of Christ’s salvation) through [your] faith. ……….It came not through yourselves [of your own doing, it came not through your on striving], but it is the gift of God.

The day Jesus sacrificed His life on the cross we were excused. He paid the ultimate price so that we can go free. So then how can people come and demean what Jesus did, by using that same grace as a licence to sin. As an excuse to keep on sinning thinking that God is ok with it. God’s grace isn’t there to give us a licence to sin, but rather to free us from sin.

Matthew 1:21 …….for he will save His people from their sins [that is, prevent them from failing and missing the true end and scope of life, which is God].

Jesus makes it very clear that when you give your heart to God, you should make a 180degrees turn and walk away from your sin. You are not condemned anymore, but there is a condition. To sin no more.

John 8:10-11 When Jesus raised Himself up, He said to her, woman where are your accusers? Has no man condemned you? 11She answered, No one, Lord! And Jesus said, I do not condemn you either. Go on your way and FROM NOW ON SIN NO MORE.

Acts 2:38 And Peter answered them, Repent (change your views and purpose to accept the will of God in your inner selves instead of rejecting it) and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of {and} release from your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

2 Timothy 2:19 ………..Let everyone who names [himself by] the name of the Lord give up all iniquity {and} stand aloof from it.

Is this not clear enough? You cannot accept God’s grace and continue in your old ways. You cannot love two masters at the same time. When you really accept God in your life and get to know His Will, you cannot BUT change. Jesus in you makes you want to obey Him. If you do not obey God, you obey Satan. It is as simple as that.

Psalms 40:8 I delight to do Your will, O my God; yes Your law is within my heart.

Matthew 6:21/24 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 24 No one can serve two masters, ……… You cannot serve God and mammon………

So now I ask again, are these people then really Christians in the true sense of the word, or are they fake Christians? These are people that pose as Christians because it suites their personal agenda. They quote scriptures out of context to justify their sin. Jesus made it clear that your works will not get you into heaven.

Ephesian 6:11 Put on God’s whole armor that you may be able successfully to stand up against the strategies and deceits of the devil.

How can you do that when you give Satan the legal right to enter your life through the sins you continue to commit. No we are not perfect, but do you really think God won’t know when you are not sincere in your repentance?

Ephesians 5:10 And try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord [let your lives be constant proof of what is most acceptable to Him].

Ephesians 5:5-6 For be sure of this: that no person practising sexual vice or impurity in thought or in life, or one who covetous [who has lustful desire for the property of others and is greedy for gain]—for he [in effect] is an idolater—has any inheritance in the Kingdom of Christ and of God. 6Let no one delude {and} deceive you with empty excuses {and} groundless arguments [for these sins], for through these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of rebellion {and} disobedience.

1 Peter 2:24 He personally bore our sins in His [own] body on the tree [as on an altar and offered Himself on it], that we might die (cease to exist) to sin and live to righteousness.

2Corinthians 7:1…………Let us cleanse ourselves from everything that contaminates {and} defiles body and spirit, and bring [our] consecration to completeness in the [reverential] fear of God.

Rom 14:17 [After all] the kingdom of God is not a matter of [getting the] food and drink [one likes], but instead it is righteousness (that state which makes a person acceptable to God) and [heart] peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

I know there are a lot of Christians who are living in bondage. In my own life there are still chains that I have to break. Every day I get a little closer to being completely free from these chains, because I go out and seek the answers and you know, God is so faithful that I get the answers to every question and problem I have. I have chosen to live in obedience to His will. I’m not perfect but I am a lot better than what I used to be and every day I get a little closer to that perfection/righteousness a true Christian should strive after. Someone who is really interested in having a relationship with God, will sacrifice the works of the world in order to live righteously in front of God. You have no excuse for not doing it, because God promises you to be right next to you every step of the way, sometimes going as far as to carry you. When you use God’s grace as an excuse to continue living in sin, God will say to you “Go away I do not know you”

Matthew 6:33 But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right) ……..

Matthew 7 has been quoted to me by someone that has not even begun to take the beam of timber out of their own eye. They use the scripture to excuse the fact that they continue to live in obedience to their own personal and selfish needs, instead of turning away from their sin and living in obedience to God’s will.

Matthew 7:15-16 Beware of false prophets, who come to you dressed as sheep, but inside they are devouring wolves. 16You will recognise them by their fruits. Do people pick grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles?

Matthew 7: 23 And then I will say to them openly (publicly), I never knew you; depart from Me, you who act wickedly [disregarding My commands].

Be warned people; do not think you can use the Grace of God as a licence to sin. You are making a mockery of the incredible sacrifice Jesus made for us.

My Authority in God.

Where ever I go these days I get confronted with the idea of your authority in God. A concept that was completely new to me until about 9 months ago. I first read about it in books Neil T Anderson wrote. Then I saw it on TV and on DVD’s I watched and at the moment my church is busy with a series about exactly that. Hard to ignore when you are being confronted with it the whole time.

So what does it mean? In the Bible you read about His Kingdom a lot.

Daniel 2:44 And in the days of these kings shall the God of heaven set up a kingdom which shall never be destroyed.

Matthew 3:2 And saying, Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

Luke 4:43 But He said to them, I must preach the good news (The Gospel) of the kingdom of God……., for I was sent for this purpose.

According to Tiaan Geldenhuys people have seen the word kingdom as the same as heaven. In other words when we read about the kingdom of God we assumed that He was talking about heaven.  In Greek the word kingdom translate to “basileia” which means “rule” or “reign” or “have dominion”. Kingdom of the heavens (Greek= ouranos) = basileia of the ouranos = authority of the heavens.

In other words when Jesus speaks about the kingdom He did not mean a place, but His authority in God.

Revelations 5:10 And you have made them a kingdom and priest to our God, and they shall reign over the earth. (And you have made them an authority).

What does it mean to have authority on earth?

First you have to realise who you are in Jesus Christ. The day you accept Jesus as your personal Saviour, you must realised the exact implications of that.

Ephesians 1:3 May blessings be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ Who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realm! 4Even as he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless in His sight, above reproach, before Him in love. 5 For he foreordained us to be adopted as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will. 7In Him we have redemption through His blood, the remission of our offences, in accordance with the riches and the generosity of His gracious favour. 11In Him we also were made heritage, we obtained an inheritance…………13 In Him you also who have heard the Word of Truth,…………….and have believed in and adhered to and relied on Him, were stamped with the seal of the long-promised Holy Spirit. 18 By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints. 19And what is the immeasurable and unlimited surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His Mighty strength. 20 Which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly. 22 And He has put all things under His feet and has appointed Him the universal and supreme Head of the church.

 Isn’t this just such a powerful scripture? The whole of Ephesians tells us who we are in Christ. In all my life I have never been told who I am in Jesus Christ. Isn’t it sad that so many Christians will go to heaven never having known what power they had in Jesus Christ?
Who is the authority of God?

Jesus is the authority of God and when you accept Him as your Saviour He comes to live in you.

Galatians 2:20 ….it is no longer I who live, but Christ live in me.

1 John 4:4 …He Who lives in you is greater than he who is in the world

Luke 17:21……For behold the kingdom of God is within you [in your hearts] a {and} among you [surrounding you]

Who will have this authority of God?

John 3:5 Jesus answered, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, unless a man is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.

Every person who has accepted Jesus as their King and Saviour will have this power/authority in them. Does that mean you will be able to use this power?  Only people that have been filled with the Holy Spirit will be able to use this power. Does that mean if you don’t use the authority God has given you that you won’t go to heaven? No but it will mean that you will be a mud-ploddering-Christian for the rest of your life that will not live in victory while you are on earth. God still loves you and you will still go to heaven, but you will not have lived the life of victory God had planned for you. You have to be filled with the Holy Spirit and take that authority in Jesus Christ and make it your own.

Why?

Matthew 6:10 Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 13 ………..but deliver us from the evil one. (For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever).  

We need our authority in God to save us from the works of Satan. Jesus wants us to reign on earth and that is then also what he teaches us when He tells us how to pray. God also says that we have to go forth and make disciples of all the nations. Jesus has given us the instruction to go and preach the kingdom (authority/power) of God.

Matthew 28:19 Go then and make disciples of all the nations, baptising them into the name of the Father and Son and of the Holy Spirit

What must we do with this authority in God?

Matthew 10:7-8 And as you go, preach, saying, The Kingdom of heaven is at hand! 8Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, drive out demons…….

Is it possible to raise the dead, cure the sick, ectr?

John 14:12 I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone stands steadfastly in Me, he will himself be able to do the things that I do,………..

What does that mean? That everybody who have received  and have been filled with the Holy Spirit will be able to do exactly what Jesus told us to do and what He Himself have done. Yes that means we should be able to raise people from the dead, cure the sick and drive out demons. We can’t do it because we have not accepted our authority in God. God said that He will give us the power to do all these things.

How do you get this power/authority of God?

Matthew 6:33 But seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.  
You have to seek and obey God first and that you can only do by reading and getting to know the Bible. You have to be in an intimate relationship with God. That means you have to spend time with God and get to know His voice. You start by finding out what God’s Word says and by starting to live according to His Word. Can we do all the things God wants from us? Can we be holy? Yes by the Grace of God He will make you holy, all He need is for you to be willing to be made holy.

When you give your heart to Jesus, He comes and lives in you.

Now you have the authority of God in you, but you still need to be filled with the Holy Spirit in order to use this authority/power of God.

John 20:22 And having said this, He breathed on them and said to them, Receive the Holy spirit!

Acts 19:1-2 While Apollos was in Corinth, Paul went through the upper inland districts and came down to Ephesus. There he found some disciples. 2And asked them, did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed [on Jesus as the Christ]? And they said no we have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit.

Luke 24:49 And behold, I will send forth upon you what My Father has promised, but remain in Jerusalem the city until you are clothed with power from on high.

The disciples only started doing miracles after they were filled with the power of The Holy Spirit.

Acts 1:8 But you shall receive power (ability, efficiency and might) when the Holy Spirit, has come upon you, and you shall be my witnesses in Jerusalem and all Judea………..

How do you know you have been filled with The Holy Spirit?

Luke 11:13 ………how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him.

If you ask God, He will fill you with the Holy Spirit. Also once you have been filled with the Holy Spirit it will pour out of you. You won’t be able to stop yourself from talking about God. I know, because I have experienced it. You overflow with God. The day I was filled with the Holy Spirit was the best day of my life. I have never felt better. So often Satan comes and with a lie, takes our authority in Jesus Christ away from us. So many Christians have received that power, but because of a lie that Satan has told them, never used it to bind the works of Satan in their lives. I almost walked that same path, because I didn’t fully understood what power I had in Jesus. The more intimate my relationship with God becomes the more God reveals His secrets to me and the more I understand what the authority of God in me, means.

Ephesian 1:9 Making known to us the mystery (secret) of His will (of His plan, of His purpose).

I have decided I want to use the authority of God in my life to bind the works of Satan, so I tried it. I used it to get rid of evil spirits in my life and my children’s lives and it worked. Twice already I used it to heal myself. I am still a mustard seed, but the more I walked in the authority of God, the stronger I will get in God. I want to become a huge tree under which people and animals alike can find refuse from the evil in this world. I want to use the authority of God to make my life and my children’s lives more victorious and to help other people get to know the mighty God I serve. Won’t you also consider using the authority of God in your life, to bind the works of Satan and make earth a place of victory instead of a place of misery? If all the Christians stand together and use their authority in God, imagine what life on earth will be like. People all over the world will have to acknowledge the power of our God. How many people do you think will give their hearts to God when they see what it really means to be a Christian with authority?

NOTE: I was ready to publish this blog today, but then a miracle happened during the night that I have to share with you. On Tuesday I took the kids to kick the ball around a bit. After that I got them to play netball with me. A week ago I got the opportunity to start playing netball again and I was so excited that I just wanted to throw the ball around a bit. However I forgot that I am not a youngster anymore and with the first ball I had to defend I put my back out. After a while the pain was gone so we continued. That evening it came back with a vengeance.

 My hip was so sore that I literally did not sleep that night. I could not bend or straighten my leg without experiencing a sharp totally debilitating pain, I could not sit or stand for long and walking I could only do in a bend forward position whiles limping along. It was so bad that I decided to stay at home the next day.

Now I am a physiotherapist. I knew exactly what joint was out and how to fix it, but my muscles were in such a spasm that I could not get into the position I needed, to manipulate the joint. I tried medicine, heat, bed rest, massaging, but nothing worked. So eventually at round about 1h00 last night I got up to go warm the beanbag. Limping along I felt like crying. I spent the whole day yesterday writing this blog and while I was resting on a kitchen chair, I thought about what I wrote. I don’t really have the confidence yet to heal the sick, but I did heal my shoulder the other day, so I decided to try again. You see I tried the previous night but it didn’t work and as I was sitting there contemplating why it didn’t work I realised two things.

1. I have spent a lot of time with Jesus preparing for this blog and
2. The previous time my faith wasn’t there (as I was praying I was on my way to heat the beanbag and get another voltaren).

This time I decided to put my faith in God despite the fact that I could hardly move. So I prayed, got up and walked back to my bedroom. By the time I got to my bed, my limping was almost gone. I was sleeping with two pillows between my legs and on my left side because I just couldn’t lie on my right side, which is the side I prefer. I threw the pillows off and went to lie on my right side. The pain was gone. I sat up and tested it by straightening and bending my leg, which I could not do before and once again there were no pain. I sat there praising God and afterwards I went to sleep until the alarm clock woke me.

Some people will say that it was luck or the meds kicking in, but I know I did nothing to fix my back. Before I sat down on that chair, that joint was still out and my muscles were still in a spasm. From a medical point of view it was impossible for my back to go back in, in the time it took me to pray and get up. Sometimes you might twist accidentally in a way that would force the joint back in, but I could not move, so no twisting for me. Normally a patient would need at least 2 treatment sessions and then while using his/her medication.

It was all God through me! Praise God, for in His wisdom, faithfulness and patience with me, He allowed me to do a small miracle on myself which, will hopefully lead to bigger things for others.

Last night I trusted God’s Word for my healing and I realised once again that I can trust God for everything in my life. God was faithful in such a small thing, how much more faithful will He not be in the bigger stuff in my life. The God I serve is ALIVE AND MIGHTY and He has given me and you the tools to live in victory but we do not use those tools and we end up being mud-plottering-christians. All because Satan has told the lie that you have to see in order to believe.