Once a cheater, always a cheater???

I have always been open to reconciliation with my ex, despite what anyone said. I have always believed that we loved each other for 20 years and for that reason alone we can make our marriage work. After I found out about his affair, he said he wanted to make our marriage work. He told me he broke contact with his mistress and wanted to safe our marriage. A month later I by accident came across emails they were writing to each other. I accused him of not been sorry about the affair, but being sorry that he got caught. The last year I had numerous occasions where he would say one thing to me and another to his mistress. If he really wanted his family back, why wasn’t he making more of an effort? It got me to thinking if this was really the first time he cheated.

Just after we moved in together, he decided to go on boy’s nights every Wednesday. I was very upset about it, because I felt we were a unit now and there shouldn’t be any reason why I can’t go with him. The occasional night out with his friends I didn’t mind, but once a week? Most nights he would come home in the early morning hours and once he came home just before lunch the next day, having some excuse about his bike that broke down. It didn’t add up, because I went looking for him, expecting to find him lying in a ditch somewhere. His friends told me he left the previous night before midnight. I didn’t want to believe that he was lying so I left it at that. Then there were phone calls from woman inviting him to parties in the middle of the night, phone calls from woman telling me he is with another woman, love letters written to him by woman, ear rings (even while he was cheating on me with his current mistress and it was definitely not hers, way to cheap) and handbags I found in our car and once I came home unexpectedly and found him and a friend coming down from our bedroom.

He always loved the attention he got from women and there were a lot of them. They were always all over him. I once told him he shouldn’t be so friendly to women who made it obvious how they felt about him, but of course he told me that was the way he is with everyone. He always had an excuse and when I questioned him, he would accuse me of being jealous, to the point that I felt I was wrong for doubting him. He would turn it around saying that I was suspicious because I was hiding something. He would “lose” money, once over a R1000, another time R900 disappeared out of a locked box. He said he thought it was one of his friends, but of course we had no proof. Then there were the internet and adult movies. There were porn all over the house and at one point he started mentioning swapping partners with another couple and having a threesome. I was totally against it, so he eventually stopped talking about it. He admitted to meeting his ex, secretly several years after it happened. I caught him once having secret telephone conversations with a girl he met when he went to visit his family alone. (He would often go visit his family alone, saying he needed to get away.) After he promised to stop it, I caught him lying about it again. He then admitted he took his wedding ring off because they all wanted to go out and her father was a pastor and would not have allowed her to go out with them if he knew he was married. Then just before we moved back to the Cape something huge happened to someone we really cared about. He told me about it, but for some reason he couldn’t tell the person it affected the most, putting that person’s health in danger. I could not understand why, but thinking about it, I think he was right there in the middle of it. If he told this person about it he would have run the risk of being exposed himself. It all makes sense now.

When I found out about the affair, he showed very little remorse, instead accusing me of not listening to him when he tried to talk to me, saying it was my fault that he cheated. I can remember several times that we talked and came to some sort of a solution, only to be back to the same old stuff a week later. Him telling me that if I won’t change why should he. I probably should have seen the signs then, but I just couldn’t face having a cheater as a husband. One of the articles said if you suspect your partner cheating, he probably is and I cannot tell you how often I felt suspicious.

As I have always considered reconciliation a possibility, it made me wonder if it was such a good idea. I started wondering if the saying “Once a cheater always a cheater” was true, so I went to the good old net. On most of the forums/boards people agreed that once a cheater always a cheater. Some would agree, but will admit that some cheaters can change, but then something drastic has to happen or they must really want to change. The only people that felt the statement was completely false were admitted cheaters.

That was fine, but I wanted to know what professionals said about it and guess what I couldn’t find all that many articles about it, but what I did find was basically the same as what the people on the boards and forums said.

Here’s what some of the few articles I found said about cheaters:

Cheaters cheat for different reasons, but is comes down to the fact that they are motivated by their own needs, doing what they want with little concern for the people they hurt. They may genuinely care about their partner, but their own needs and desires always come first. They are selfish people who want it all and they do not care about the cost.  They will usually blame their partner, their relationship, the person they cheated with or the circumstances surrounding the affair, but never themselves. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they CHOOSE to betray the trust of another person. Cheating is not only SELFISH BUT CRUEL AS WELL.  If cheating is a coping mechanism, cheaters can change but not without therapy of some sort. If they don’t want counselling, chances are they will cheat again. (about.com – Mike Hardcastle)

In another article it says that you have to determine why a person cheats. According to this article there might be a genetic component to cheating; a spouse’s level of attractiveness, risk taking nature and sexual desire - can make it difficult to change. Once again the writer suggest that unless the cheater is serious about stopping and are willing to receive some form of counselling, chances are he /she will do it again.  In a survey that was done out of 35634 men that were questioned 59% admitted that they cheated more than once on their partners.  Here some of the signs of cheating:

·         Excessive showering – yes

·         Suddenly can’t reach your spouse on the phone at certain times of the day – yes

·         Finding an excuse not to share your bed – yes

·         Very protective and secretive re his phone – yes

·         Getting text messages and phone calls all the time – yes

·         Finding excuses to go out without you – yes

·         Starting to take extra care of himself – yes

·         Locking his car, in my case finding empty papers of pills he used during sex - yes

·         Agreeing to counselling and then suddenly becoming the perfect spouse – yes

(The truth about deception)

In yet another article I found, the following was said. Research have shown that about 22% of married then will cheat on their partners, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriages will cheat. So how do you know you are dealing with a chronic cheater? Here are 5 signs that indicated your cheater is not a chronic case and there is hope for your marriage:

·         Your partner is truly remorseful – NO

·         Your partner cuts of contact with his lover – NO

·         The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you – NO

·         You wound up having deep, open and honest discussions about your relationship – NO

·         Your partner agrees to counselling – NO

Some signs of cheating:

·         Working late - Yes

·         Suddenly taking trips you can’t go on – yes

·         New hobbies that don’t include you – Yes

·         Mysterious phone calls or SMS’s – Yes

·         Unexplained usage of money – Yes

·         More distant, angry or picky – Yes

(Psychology Today)

So what does all of this mean to me? Was my ex a chronic cheater or not? Looking back over the last 20 years I am sad to say that too many times I have seen some or all of these signs. Does it mean just because I couldn’t prove anything he didn’t cheat. I think it’s safe to say no. After reading these articles I experienced such a rage at the way in which he betrayed my love and trust for him.  More than that, I was angry with myself. Not only did I allow this man to walk all over my self-respect, but I put my health at risk. I have to small children and I could have ended up with AIDS.

Last night I sat with my children and once again I was faced with their need for us to be together again. I had to make the decision of whether I would risk him cheating on me again if things should somehow work out for us and to be honest I know I don’t want to do that to myself again. My children do not need a cheater as an example in their lives. Not only is he teaching them no respect for their partners, but his also teaching them it’s ok to have no self-control.
So sadly I suppose I got my answer. We were together for 20 years and married for 18 years. After I discovered his affair I changed that 18 to 16 because I didn’t count the two years he was unfaithful to me, now I wonder if I could even make that I year? I suppose there’s no one as blind as he who doesn’t want to see.

At the end of the day I have the consolation that even thought he walked all over my heart and used me, I am the one that walks out of this marriage with my self-respect and integrity intact.

I SUPPOSE I DESERVE THIS ONE!!!!!!!