So often since my ex jumped ship I have had to hear how divorce won't influence the kids as long as we can behave like adults. I far as I am concerned and from personal experience, that is a load of BS. Just an excuse to justify the selfish needs of an adult.
So how does divorce influence the lives of our kids?
Besides the obvious loss of security, financial stability, contact with parents and the devastating emotional ups and downs they have to go through every day, there are a lot of very mundane things we as adults don't ever consider.
For instance just having your life uprooted every second weekend. Packing clothes, unpacking clothes, missing parties, forgetting your favourite toy, sleeping in a bed that isn't yours, having to adapt to different sets of rules, different foods and ways of preparing it, having 2 sets of weekend friends and the list goes on and on. I know of parents expecting their children to travel every second weekend almost 800kms to and fro and why? Because the parent who started a new life without his/her children, wants to see their children. Would you like to travel 800kms every second weekend when you are younger than 10? Is that fair to the children? Who asked the kids whether that is ok? Oh sorry I forgot, the children don't have a say, do they?
Then there are the guilt trips we send our kids on when they try to express their own needs and wants. Don't you want to visit me anymore? Don't you want to spend time with me anymore? Oh well if you would rather be with your friends......., I already see so little of you ...... ectr ectr ectr. As if it was their fault that you left!!!
Let's be totally realistic. The children had no say in the decisions that were made. You as a adult has no right to expect them to constantly adapt to you. What does the law say? That their circumstances should stay as close to what it was before the divorce. Pretty words, but unfortunately not something that has a lot of substance when it comes to enforcing it.
Maintenance for instance. I have heard so often the words "I cannot afford more" or worse "I cannot afford to pay at all". Then there is the issue of when it gets paid. I have been blamed for instance for the fact that my ex had to move away because according to him I insisted that he pays his maintenance in full and on time. (This BTW after he has never ever paid his maintenance in one go, except for the last 3 payments). My question is this? How do you expect the mothers to pay the school fees, buy food, pay petrol, rent, electricity if you do not the pay the maintenance when all those things are due. Is it really fair to expect the mothers to make a plan whenever you are in a bind. What happens to the mother's financial position every time she has to bail you out. Ever consider that????? Or is it a question of you just don't care. Well in essence you are basically saying you don't care that there is no food for the kids, a roof over their heads, having to walk to school in the cold and rain and all the other things they cannot have because you just don't want to make a plan. As a mother I have had to make plans all the time. I have had to put my pride aside and lend money, even accept food from our church and ask for favours just to make sure my kids are sorted out. Then we have to hear so often we just want to get out of the fathers as much as we can. You know what it feels like to walk around with R10 in your purse and there is no bread or milk, because you had to use your food money to pay the rent??????? What is worse - having hungry kids or cold kids??????? Decisions a lot of divorced mothers have to make every single day of their lives.
The same goes for expecting our kids to shape their lives around the decisions you have made, especially if they had no say in it. Is it really fair to expect of them to chop and change their lives just so that it fits into yours. Who left???? Who should actually chop and change???? Shouldn't it be the parents who should do everything in their ability to adapt to the way things were for the kids - to adapt to what was normal for the kids. Isn't that what we are told? Keep everything as close to normal as possible. So was it then the norm for the kids to have to up and move every second weekend and then 2 days later have to up and move again? No, but unfortunately that is what they have to do just to be able to do the most normal thing that were part of their lives - to see and spend time with their parent. Unfortunately most parents don't really care what their kids wants in the case of a divorce. All they really care about are having their needs met. Sad isn't it! Then we walk around telling people how much we really care about our children! If we cared we would have made sure we didn't end up in a divorce court.
For all the parents who are in this position through no fault of their own (I know people make mistakes, but it is an even bigger mistake not to fix your mistakes) and all the fathers who truly do their part when it comes to supporting their children financially, please know this blog was not aimed at you. This blog is aimed at adults who do not consider anybody but themselves and think that the world and every one on it owes them something. (Once again this is not necessarily aimed at my ex - just to clarify that he isn't all bad).
For all the people out there contemplating divorce, think again and then again. You only read about the consequences from a professional person's perspective. You never hear it from the child's perspective. You may think you are doing your child a favour, but trust me you will never hear a child say that "my parents' divorce was for my own good".
