Divorce as a child sees it.

So often since my ex jumped ship I have had to hear how divorce won't influence the kids as long as we can behave like adults. I far as I am concerned and from personal experience, that is a load of BS. Just an excuse to justify the selfish needs of an adult.

So how does divorce influence the lives of our kids?

Besides the obvious loss of security, financial stability, contact with parents and the devastating emotional ups and downs they have to go through every day, there are a lot of very mundane things we as adults don't ever consider.

For instance just having your life uprooted every second weekend. Packing clothes, unpacking clothes, missing parties, forgetting your favourite toy, sleeping in a bed that isn't yours, having to adapt to different sets of rules, different foods and ways of preparing it, having 2 sets of weekend friends and the list goes on and on. I know of parents expecting their children to travel every second weekend almost 800kms to and fro and why? Because the parent who started a new life without his/her children, wants to see their children. Would you like to travel 800kms every second weekend when you are younger than 10? Is that fair to the children? Who asked the kids whether that is ok? Oh sorry I forgot, the children don't have a say, do they?

Then there are the guilt trips we send our kids on when they try to express their own needs and wants. Don't you want to visit me anymore? Don't you want to spend time with me anymore? Oh well if you would rather be with your friends......., I already see so little of you ...... ectr ectr ectr. As if it was their fault that you left!!!

Let's be totally realistic. The children had no say in the decisions that were made. You as a adult has no right to expect them to constantly adapt to you. What does the law say? That their circumstances should stay as close to what it was before the divorce. Pretty words, but unfortunately not something that has a lot of substance when it comes to enforcing it.

Maintenance for instance. I have heard so often the words "I cannot afford more" or worse "I cannot afford to pay at all". Then there is the issue of when it gets paid. I have been blamed for instance for the fact that my ex had to move away because according to him I insisted that he pays his maintenance in full and on time. (This BTW after he has never ever paid his maintenance in one go, except for the last 3 payments). My question is this? How do you expect the mothers to pay the school fees, buy food, pay petrol, rent, electricity if you do not the pay the maintenance when all those things are due. Is it really fair to expect the mothers to make a plan whenever you are in a bind. What happens to the mother's financial position every time she has to bail you out. Ever consider that????? Or is it a question of you just don't care. Well in essence you are basically saying you don't care that there is no food for the kids, a roof over their heads, having to walk to school in the cold and rain and all the other things they cannot have because you just don't want to make a plan. As a mother I have had to make plans all the time. I have had to put my pride aside and lend money, even accept food from our church and ask for favours just to make sure my kids are sorted out. Then we have to hear so often we just want to get out of the fathers as much as we can. You know what it feels like to walk around with R10 in your purse and there is no bread or milk, because you had to use your food money to pay the rent??????? What is worse - having hungry kids or cold kids??????? Decisions a lot of divorced mothers have to make every single day of their lives.

The same goes for expecting our kids to shape their lives around the decisions you have made, especially if they had no say in it. Is it really fair to expect of them to chop and change their lives just so that it fits into yours. Who left???? Who should actually chop and change???? Shouldn't it be the parents who should do everything in their ability to adapt to the way things were for the kids - to adapt to what was normal for the kids. Isn't that what we are told? Keep  everything as close to normal as possible. So was it then the norm for the kids to have to up and move every second weekend and then 2 days later have to up and move again? No, but unfortunately that is what they have to do just to be able to do the most normal thing that were part of their lives - to see and spend time with their parent. Unfortunately most parents don't really care what their kids wants in the case of a divorce. All they really care about are having their needs met. Sad isn't it! Then we walk around telling people how much we really care about our children! If we cared we would have made sure we didn't end up in a divorce court.

For all the parents who are in this position through no fault of their own (I know people make mistakes, but it is an even bigger mistake not to fix your mistakes) and all the fathers who truly do their part when it comes to supporting their children financially, please know this blog was not aimed at you. This blog is aimed at adults who do not consider anybody but themselves and think that the world and every one on it owes them something. (Once again this is not necessarily aimed at my ex - just to clarify that he isn't all bad).

For all the people out there contemplating divorce, think again and then again. You only read about the consequences from a professional person's perspective. You never hear it from the child's perspective. You may think you are doing your child a favour, but trust me you will never hear a child say that "my parents' divorce was for my own good".

UNTEACHABLE SPIRIT.

I have often wondered why some people get through a divorce easier than others. I have seen so many people who abandoned their family, getting stuck in life unable to go anywhere. They are desperately unhappy and yet unable to do anything about it. At the same time those who have been abandoned just can’t seem to move on. I started comparing people with each other and I realised the ones who can’t seem to move on had all one thing in common; An Unteachable Spirit.

I remember when I started going for counselling I was told that the reason I was doing so well was because I had a teachable spirit. So what does a person with a teachable spirit look like?

·         They are open to other people. They built relationships.

·         They accept themselves and has a desire to grow personally and spiritually

·         They are inquisitive people that can sort, process, and integrate information.

·         They have an appreciation of the nature of Scripture and God’s wisdom.

·         They have a desire to pursue valuable goals.

·         They have a desire to learn and change.

·         They are humble people, willing to listen.

·         They can admit their limitations.

·         They are willing to move out of their comfort zone.

·         They don’t give up hope.

·         They take criticism positively.

·         They are willing to look at another point of view.

So what does an unteachable spirit look like?

·         They are full of pride.

·         They consider themselves to know it all.

·         They do not submit to authority, they are rebellious.

·         They are insecure people and do not accept themselves.

·         They are angry people. They are touchy, sensitive people.

·         They are poor listeners.

·         They are unyielding, judgemental, and head-strong.

·         They compromise but only to further their own selfish needs.

·         They are irresponsible people.

·         They possess a spirit of fear.

·         They are envious people – always wanting what others have.

·         They are dishonest people – false humility and stretching/covering the truth.

·         The have a spirit of unbelief. They have no peace and faith in God.

·         They have a lack of concern for others.

·         They are selfish people. They love themselves and money. They want to be comfortable.

·         They won’t do research/read unless it is to support their own views.

·         They don’t except responsibility for their own failures, always blaming someone else.

·         They don’t seek/accept one-to-one guidance.

·         They don’t take criticism without retaliating.

·         They have one view and that is the right view. If they don’t like your viewpoint they will simply discredit you.

What can you expect when you allow an unteachable spirit to operate in your life?

·         There is little or no growth in your live.

·         You refused to be ministered.

·         You will probably isolate yourself from the Christian community.

·         You will surround yourself with people who have lost touch with the true realities of this world.

·         You lose the chance to have a truly meaningful relationship with God.

 Where does an unteachable spirit come from?

Self-Centeredness!

Self-centeredness, as opposed to Christ-centeredness, creates in a person a spirit of pride, from which comes an

·         unteachable spirit,

·         a spirit of control,

·         a judgemental spirit and

·         a rebellious spirit.

Usually if one of these spirits is present the others usually will also be present. When these spirits begins to manifest, it opens up the door for the Jezebel and Ahab spirit, who always bring their idols along with them. And with idols always comes sexual immorality, which brings about an abandonment of oneself to fleshly pleasures, drawing the person even further away from God. This will end in someone hardening their heart.

The truly sad thing about this is that in the end the person only hurts himself. They end up lonely and bitter people. If you recognise any of these signs in your life, go on your knees and ask God to break the chains that’s keeping you in bondage. Remember this is a spiritual attack on you and you can only break it through spiritual means.

In the words of the song Amazing Grace you can also find release and freedom.

Amazing Grace Lyrics

John Newton (1725-1807)
Stanza 6 anon.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.

My God my savior, has ransom me.

And like a flood, His mercy rains.

unending love, amazing grace.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Hope

Wow! Wow! Wow! I just came back from a friend’s house where we watch two of Louis Giglio’s DVD’s. I will give all my front teeth just to be able to attend one of his seminars. This guy has such an amazing way of seeing God, you cannot help but to tap into his enthusiasm for God. I want to tell you a little of what he said.

He was talking about hope and the greatness of God.

In Joh 16:33 Jesus said the following to his disciples: “I have told you these things, so that in me you will have (perfect) peace (and) confidence. In the world you have tribulation, trials, distress and frustrations, but be of good cheer (take courage, be confident, certain, undaunted)! For I have overcome the world.

What Jesus was saying to His disciples was that they WILL experience TROUBLE, but IN JESUS they will FIND PEACE, because He has already OVERCOME THE WORLD. Note this was said before Jesus was crucified. Jesus new that whether it be yesterday, today or tomorrow, He already won the battle. He was send to earth by His Father who has authority over everything for that purpose.

So what do you do when the ground gets pulled from under your feet and the walls come crushing down? Whether you survive or not depends on where your focus are. Not so long ago I had to try and explain to my son, why God don’t always answer our prayers and why bad things happen to good people. We live in a fallen world where often chaos rules, so it is easy to ask WHY GOD when really bad things happen to us. Why did You not stop it? How do you stay afloat when everything is falling apart in your life? You can’t stop trouble from coming, but you can survive it.

Louis Giglio put everything so nicely together.

He said it all depends on what your anchor is. You anchor has to be the Cross. When you make the preservation of yourself and your family your highest goal in life, you will crumble when this world smashes you into the wall, because you have nothing to hold on to. When you make God your highest goal in life, the world will smash you into the wall, but you will survive because you still have something to hold on to. I know from my own experience that if I didn’t have God to hold on to when my world got smashed, I would not have survived.

1.      To look at the Cross will tell you how much God loves you. Anybody who can offer    His son to take the punishment for our sins must love us very much.

2.      To look at the cross will help us remember that God understands how we feel. There is nothing you can feel that He hasn’t also felt.

3.      To look at the Cross will help you remember that even if it doesn’t feel or look like it, God is in control. The whole crucifixion, from where the crowd chose Barabbas (a criminal) instead of Jesus (an innocent man), right to the end where Jesus the Son of God Almighty was hanging like a criminal on a Cross with no possibility of being saved by His Father, was controlled by God. God decided what will happen.

4.      Looking at the Cross will remind us that God always paints on a canvas. He will always use something bad, and turn it into something eternal. We never see the bigger picture, but it always is there. Looking at Jesus hanging on the Cross, no one saw the bigger picture. They did not see that this terrible thing that was happening will result in us getting the chance to receive eternal life.

Isn’t that just an awesome way to tackle your problems. Never again will I struggle through hardship without remembering to see the Cross. When you make the Cross your anchor in the storm, it gives you hope in the knowledge that you are not alone. That even if you don’t see it, your tears will not be in vain, but most of all you can find peace in the midst of chaos knowing that God is always in control. All you have to do is hold on to Him, take one step at a time and walk through the storm with the sure knowledge that God is with you every step of the way. I know because I have been there. That is the difference between people who put their trust in God and those who don’t. You always have HOPE! There is nothing life can throw at you that you cannot overcome with God in you.

How can we be so sure God can keep things together for us? The answer is simple. He is the Almighty Creator of everything. Louis Giglio showed us just how powerful and big God is. He showed us pictures of 3 stars and 1 galaxy and gave us there dimensions. To help make things a bit clearer I want to mention what a light year is. It is the speed at which light travels in 1 year.

Light second = 300 000km/s, that is 7.5 times around the earth in 1 sec

Light year = 9.5 trillion km/year (9.500 000 000 000km)

Now have a look at these dimensions.

Whirlpool galaxy:      31million light years away from earth

(31 000 000 x 9.500 000 000 000 =

294 500 000 000 000 000 000km)

300 billion stars in galaxy

In the centre there is a black hole that looks like an eye with a cross inside

 

 Sun:     Radius = 696 000km

Diameter = 1.392km

Circumference = 4.366 813km (you can line up a 109 earths across the sun and about 1.3 million earths could fit inside the sun)

It is 8 light min away from earth (300 000km x 60 x 8 = 144 billion km)

Enough golf balls to fill a bus.

 

Betelgeuse:     Over 640 light years away from earth (640 x 9.5 trillion km =                                               6.080 000 000 000 000km)

About 1000 times the size of the sun, twice the orbit of the sun

Diameter = 1.4billion km (1.400 000 000km)

If the earth was a golf ball, Betelgeuse will be 6 times the height of the empire building (443m x 6 = 2,658km)

262 trillion earths can fit inside the star

Can fill up super dome 3000 times with golf balls

 

Canis Majoris:             Biggest star found so far  

If earth was a golf ball, Canis Majoris would be the height

of Mount Everest

5000light years away from earth (5000 x 9.5 trillion km =

47 500 000 000 000 000km)

2100 times the size of the sun

2.900 000 000km diameter   

Can fill state of Texas with golf balls 55.88cm deep

Can fit 7 quadrillion earths inside star

 

 

To give you an idea of what a quadrillion is:

·         A million sec ago = 12 days

·         A billion sec ago = may 1975

·         A trillion sec ago = 29 700BC

·         A quadrillion sec ago = 30million 800000 years ago

If that didn’t blow your mind, have a look at this.

Laminin: It is a protein found in extracellular matrix, the sheets of protein that forms the substrate of all internal organs, also called the basement membrane. Its function is to hold all our body structures together. What is so amazing about this protein is that it is in the shape of a cross.

                                                 

 

Col 1:15-17 ”15Now He is the exact likeness, of the unseen God, He is the Firstborn of all creation. 16For it was in Him that all things were created, in heaven and on earth, things seen and things unseen….. 17And He Himself existed before all things and in Him all things consist (cohere, are held together)

Now if the size of those stars do not convince you of the power of God (He created them with a spoken word) and you cannot see the significance of the shape of the protein that is the glue of our bodies, nothing on this earth will convince you that the Creator of all of the Universe and of that same body can hold your life together when the storms of this world hit you.

ALMOST THERE!

Experts say it takes 1 year for every 5 years you’ve been together to recover after a divorce. It’s been 2½ years since my ex and I split up. So that leaves me with another 1½ years of recovery. Over the weekend my friend and I had another of our home clean-up sessions and I came across some old video tapes. As I went through them I came across some videos of times we had together with our families. I could for the first time, look at these videos and remember the good times we had. I also came across our unedited wedding video. I was totally unprepared to suddenly see me and my ex dancing on our song. We looked so happy. I sat there looking at us dance, remembering our wedding day and I felt so sad. I realised that gut wrenching pain was gone, only to be replaced by this great sadness. I have decided to edit our wedding video. My children deserve to know their parents were happy and not only miserable like their father is trying to make out. I showed my children a piece of the edited DVD and they were shocked to see us all so happy. It confirmed my decision to edit it for them. I am planning on putting all our photos on DVD for them.

My friend’s ex told her some time ago after some stuff happened in his life, how sorry he was and that he wanted to come back to his family. I could see how it affected her emotionally, but in the end she said “Thank you, but no thank you.” For the first time in 2 years I came to stand before the question; What if it was me? What would my answer have been?

I have never lost hope that maybe one day we could fix our marriage. Give the kids what they so badly want. I know my ex and I know that pride is keeping him from fixing his mistakes. I know for the sake of our children I would have to consider it if he should want to try again, but what about how I feel? I am glad this happened because it forced me to face exactly what I felt for my ex. There’s nothing as uncomfortable but also as cleansing as a bit of soul searching.

My friend and I came to the following conclusion.

·         We are not in love with them anymore.
·         We do not like nor respect the persons they have become.
·         We do not want all their baggage to complicate our lives anymore.
·         We have outgrown them in all aspects of life.
·         We are self-dependant, they are not.
·         We can be happy on our own, they cannot.
·         We have a full life with a lot of friends, they don’t.
·         Most important; they have done absolutely nothing in the last 2 years to deal with all their   issues.

Two days after my friend’s ex wanted to come home he moved back in with his current wife. I rest my case.

Now why on earth would I allow someone like that back into my life? It would be lunacy to even consider it. I could never trust him again and then there is the issue of this not being his first indiscretion. It will always haunt me. Maybe if he had made any effort to deal with all his issues and showed true remorse, I could consider trying again, but he didn’t. Also just like my friend’s ex, he will probably keep a back door open. He wasn’t and probably wouldn’t be dedicated enough to fight for what he had and I am done with people that always want to take the easy way out. He would not have been able to get through what I had to get through the last 2 years on his own and survive. He just doesn’t have it in him. I want someone strong next to me, with qualities like honour, loyalty, perseverance, positivity, hope, ect, not someone I have to carry the whole time. I want people in my life who aren’t going to abandon ship at the first sign of trouble.

 

 

What about the kids, you ask? Well will they really be better off with him back in their lives? He spends the same amount of time with them now, than before our divorce. As a matter of fact, I think he might just have come to the realisation that he better start making more of an effort with them if he doesn’t want to lose them completely. So isn’t that better than what they had before our divorce. Being the person he is; is there anything of value he can teach my children

that I can’t. What have he taught them so far?

To….

·         run away from your problems
·         give up when things get tough
·         abandon your marriage and children is acceptable
·         look out for yourself first and never mind how your actions affect others
·         lie or tell half-truths when you don’t like the truth
·         always remember that nothing is ever your fault, always look for the fault with others

Not the things I want to teach my children. Honestly I don’t want my son to be like his dad. I also want to teach my daughter not to make the same mistakes I did. What use is a mega disaster in your life, if you don’t at least learn something from it?

 My friend and I sat discussing our feelings and we both agreed that
·         Our exes were the one love of our lives.
·         We would probably do things exactly the same way if we had to do it all over again – after all our children were born
·         Chances are we might have gotten divorce ourselves were it not for the type of people we are – divorce was never an option for us.
·         Our exes probably will never mature – they are both on the wrong side of 45 and have nothing to show for it.
·         We don’t want the life we had with them back, even if we still loved them – desperate we definitely are not.
·         Our lives without them are definitely more successful.
·         Life on our own has a lot of challenges, but we are strong enough to make it.
·         We both want to put our old life and all the “what if’s” behind us now and walk away from it.
·         We will probably be stuck with their tantrums and verbal abuse for the rest of our lives because we had children together – we better learn to ignore it and them.

I have made peace with the fact that my ex and I will never work again. It makes me sad, but not because I miss him, more because this is one mistake I can never fix. A friend said after I found out about my ex’s affair, that it is like a mirror that cracked. It cannot be fixed and it will never be the same. I didn’t want to hear it at the time, but he was so right when he said that. Now I can see the truth in it and can even agree with it. I truly wish I could now erase my ex from my life. All he is at the moment is an unpleasant irritation that I have to tolerate for the sake of my children. I don’t even want to try and be friends with him, simply because he doesn’t have the qualities I value in my friendships. He has become a complete stranger to me. My friend said something so true the other day; that it’s not even worth trying to communicate with them anymore, because it’s like running repeatedly into a brick wall, head first. Do I sound bitter, no; disillusioned yes. Nothing better to open a person’s eyes to the people you thought you knew than going through a divorce.

I didn’t see my children for 3 weeks because he had them for the holiday. It was the first time they have been away from me for so long and I found myself getting angry again. I wanted to know why when he was the one that caused everything that happened in our family’s life I was the one that got punished all the time. I suppose it is only natural to want to see him take some punishment as well. Thankfully before this could become bitterness I watch a DVD of Louis Giglio and there and then he settled the score. I realised God doesn’t owe me anything, except judgement, so I better climb of my high horse and start being thankful for what I have and start appreciating the fact that I am minuscule and totally insignificant when compared to God.

I found God, made stunning friends, became independent and strong and I love the way my life had turned out. What more do I want? Yes, I have the same problems/challenges/dreams I had when I was married and although I often have to deal with them on my own, at least now they are being dealt with. I am at last moving forward. If that was all I got out of my divorce, that alone would have made it worth all the pain and heartache. Don’t make a mistake; I am not the innocent all trusting person I used to be. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot trust my ex. What he says and what he eventually does hardly ever add up. When you see a snake you tread with caution. Thankfully it didn’t leave me with no trust in humankind; I just learnt to be more cautious.

I still have a couple of things/people I have to deal with before I can leave it/them forever behind me. Slowly but surely I am freeing myself from my old life. When you go on a diet, you have to lose the weight slowly in order to keep it off. The same goes for a divorce. You have to go through all the painful stages in order to heal properly. If you skip a stage it will hold you back until you have dealt with it. Sometimes it will feel like you have moved back a step or two but when you come out of that stage you will see that it was easier this time to start moving forward again and so it becomes easier and easier to leave the past behind and embrace the future. Thanks to the wonderful people that became part of my life just after my ex moved out and the way they supported me, I want to bet that I am not going to need another 1½ years to put my divorce behind me. Sadness about lost opportunities, mistakes that were made and the pain my children experiences will be part of my life, but it will not prevent me from having a full and happy life. If you are in the same position, you also can have a full and happy life. It’s all about the support you have, the choices you make and the God you serve.