ALMOST THERE!

Experts say it takes 1 year for every 5 years you’ve been together to recover after a divorce. It’s been 2½ years since my ex and I split up. So that leaves me with another 1½ years of recovery. Over the weekend my friend and I had another of our home clean-up sessions and I came across some old video tapes. As I went through them I came across some videos of times we had together with our families. I could for the first time, look at these videos and remember the good times we had. I also came across our unedited wedding video. I was totally unprepared to suddenly see me and my ex dancing on our song. We looked so happy. I sat there looking at us dance, remembering our wedding day and I felt so sad. I realised that gut wrenching pain was gone, only to be replaced by this great sadness. I have decided to edit our wedding video. My children deserve to know their parents were happy and not only miserable like their father is trying to make out. I showed my children a piece of the edited DVD and they were shocked to see us all so happy. It confirmed my decision to edit it for them. I am planning on putting all our photos on DVD for them.

My friend’s ex told her some time ago after some stuff happened in his life, how sorry he was and that he wanted to come back to his family. I could see how it affected her emotionally, but in the end she said “Thank you, but no thank you.” For the first time in 2 years I came to stand before the question; What if it was me? What would my answer have been?

I have never lost hope that maybe one day we could fix our marriage. Give the kids what they so badly want. I know my ex and I know that pride is keeping him from fixing his mistakes. I know for the sake of our children I would have to consider it if he should want to try again, but what about how I feel? I am glad this happened because it forced me to face exactly what I felt for my ex. There’s nothing as uncomfortable but also as cleansing as a bit of soul searching.

My friend and I came to the following conclusion.

·         We are not in love with them anymore.
·         We do not like nor respect the persons they have become.
·         We do not want all their baggage to complicate our lives anymore.
·         We have outgrown them in all aspects of life.
·         We are self-dependant, they are not.
·         We can be happy on our own, they cannot.
·         We have a full life with a lot of friends, they don’t.
·         Most important; they have done absolutely nothing in the last 2 years to deal with all their   issues.

Two days after my friend’s ex wanted to come home he moved back in with his current wife. I rest my case.

Now why on earth would I allow someone like that back into my life? It would be lunacy to even consider it. I could never trust him again and then there is the issue of this not being his first indiscretion. It will always haunt me. Maybe if he had made any effort to deal with all his issues and showed true remorse, I could consider trying again, but he didn’t. Also just like my friend’s ex, he will probably keep a back door open. He wasn’t and probably wouldn’t be dedicated enough to fight for what he had and I am done with people that always want to take the easy way out. He would not have been able to get through what I had to get through the last 2 years on his own and survive. He just doesn’t have it in him. I want someone strong next to me, with qualities like honour, loyalty, perseverance, positivity, hope, ect, not someone I have to carry the whole time. I want people in my life who aren’t going to abandon ship at the first sign of trouble.

 

 

What about the kids, you ask? Well will they really be better off with him back in their lives? He spends the same amount of time with them now, than before our divorce. As a matter of fact, I think he might just have come to the realisation that he better start making more of an effort with them if he doesn’t want to lose them completely. So isn’t that better than what they had before our divorce. Being the person he is; is there anything of value he can teach my children

that I can’t. What have he taught them so far?

To….

·         run away from your problems
·         give up when things get tough
·         abandon your marriage and children is acceptable
·         look out for yourself first and never mind how your actions affect others
·         lie or tell half-truths when you don’t like the truth
·         always remember that nothing is ever your fault, always look for the fault with others

Not the things I want to teach my children. Honestly I don’t want my son to be like his dad. I also want to teach my daughter not to make the same mistakes I did. What use is a mega disaster in your life, if you don’t at least learn something from it?

 My friend and I sat discussing our feelings and we both agreed that
·         Our exes were the one love of our lives.
·         We would probably do things exactly the same way if we had to do it all over again – after all our children were born
·         Chances are we might have gotten divorce ourselves were it not for the type of people we are – divorce was never an option for us.
·         Our exes probably will never mature – they are both on the wrong side of 45 and have nothing to show for it.
·         We don’t want the life we had with them back, even if we still loved them – desperate we definitely are not.
·         Our lives without them are definitely more successful.
·         Life on our own has a lot of challenges, but we are strong enough to make it.
·         We both want to put our old life and all the “what if’s” behind us now and walk away from it.
·         We will probably be stuck with their tantrums and verbal abuse for the rest of our lives because we had children together – we better learn to ignore it and them.

I have made peace with the fact that my ex and I will never work again. It makes me sad, but not because I miss him, more because this is one mistake I can never fix. A friend said after I found out about my ex’s affair, that it is like a mirror that cracked. It cannot be fixed and it will never be the same. I didn’t want to hear it at the time, but he was so right when he said that. Now I can see the truth in it and can even agree with it. I truly wish I could now erase my ex from my life. All he is at the moment is an unpleasant irritation that I have to tolerate for the sake of my children. I don’t even want to try and be friends with him, simply because he doesn’t have the qualities I value in my friendships. He has become a complete stranger to me. My friend said something so true the other day; that it’s not even worth trying to communicate with them anymore, because it’s like running repeatedly into a brick wall, head first. Do I sound bitter, no; disillusioned yes. Nothing better to open a person’s eyes to the people you thought you knew than going through a divorce.

I didn’t see my children for 3 weeks because he had them for the holiday. It was the first time they have been away from me for so long and I found myself getting angry again. I wanted to know why when he was the one that caused everything that happened in our family’s life I was the one that got punished all the time. I suppose it is only natural to want to see him take some punishment as well. Thankfully before this could become bitterness I watch a DVD of Louis Giglio and there and then he settled the score. I realised God doesn’t owe me anything, except judgement, so I better climb of my high horse and start being thankful for what I have and start appreciating the fact that I am minuscule and totally insignificant when compared to God.

I found God, made stunning friends, became independent and strong and I love the way my life had turned out. What more do I want? Yes, I have the same problems/challenges/dreams I had when I was married and although I often have to deal with them on my own, at least now they are being dealt with. I am at last moving forward. If that was all I got out of my divorce, that alone would have made it worth all the pain and heartache. Don’t make a mistake; I am not the innocent all trusting person I used to be. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot trust my ex. What he says and what he eventually does hardly ever add up. When you see a snake you tread with caution. Thankfully it didn’t leave me with no trust in humankind; I just learnt to be more cautious.

I still have a couple of things/people I have to deal with before I can leave it/them forever behind me. Slowly but surely I am freeing myself from my old life. When you go on a diet, you have to lose the weight slowly in order to keep it off. The same goes for a divorce. You have to go through all the painful stages in order to heal properly. If you skip a stage it will hold you back until you have dealt with it. Sometimes it will feel like you have moved back a step or two but when you come out of that stage you will see that it was easier this time to start moving forward again and so it becomes easier and easier to leave the past behind and embrace the future. Thanks to the wonderful people that became part of my life just after my ex moved out and the way they supported me, I want to bet that I am not going to need another 1½ years to put my divorce behind me. Sadness about lost opportunities, mistakes that were made and the pain my children experiences will be part of my life, but it will not prevent me from having a full and happy life. If you are in the same position, you also can have a full and happy life. It’s all about the support you have, the choices you make and the God you serve.