The Issue of Discipline.

Things have been difficult for my children lately. They are in the middle of this war between my ex and I. I see it in their behaviour. They are hurting and confused. Last week my son’s play therapist told me that my son has told her that he doesn’t want to choose anymore. He has this aggressiveness in him lately and I don’t really know how to deal with it. Often he would be in a bad mood for no reason, sulking. He has started lying in an effort to please both my ex and I. We’ve had some serious talks about the fact that he lies and I can only pray that it has sunk in. I have stopped talking about my ex completely in an effort to put him at ease. After discussing it with his play therapist, I have decided that from now on if my son needs to do some activity on his father’s weekend, he must ask his dad himself. I will not allow myself to be in the middle of things anymore. If his dad promises him something and he doesn’t keep the promise there must be no misunderstanding about who’s to blame anymore. In the past when I have spoken to my ex about something that was promised to my son, I got accused of lying or he would just say he didn’t promise anything. Then he and I would be at each other’s throats again and my poor son would end up in the middle again. It is time my son start to figure out for himself what is going on. His dad being dishonest with him, doesn’t matter whether it’s just a white lie, is something I cannot protect him from anymore. I will not allow my own relationship with my son to go down the drain because I am trying to protect him from who his father is.

I have always been a firm believer that children need both parents to discipline them, especially when there is a young boy in the equation. It is just a fact that children need the strong hand of a dad when it comes to disciplining them. What to do when the father had walked out on his family? My home is still my children’s home, but now I am left to try and raise my children alone. Yes sure they see their father every second weekend and some nights during the week, but that doesn’t help me. At the end of the day they still spend most of their time with me. All is does is confuse the children, because now they have two sets of totally different rules and values.

In my house I try and teach them about God, we go to church every Sunday. In his house they don’t go to church, in fact it was said that they don’t have to go to church. The few times my son had asked his dad to take him to church, he was told that they don’t want to go to the same church I am going to. So now what do my children learn? I would like them to get to know God so that when they are ready they can decide for themselves if they want to continue a relationship with God or not. I want my children to know, based on their experiences, that we all need God in our lives. Their father is telling them with his actions that you don’t need or have to obey God in your life. It makes it difficult to install in my children the importance of having a relationship with God when their father tells them another story.

My ex is openly living and sleeping with his lover which makes it difficult to install in my children good moral values. How can I tell them that you shouldn’t sleep with someone if you are not married to that person, when their father says it is okay with his actions? How do I teach my children to respect the sanctity of marriage when their father didn’t and still doesn’t respect the sanctity of marriage? How do I teach my children to respect me when their father treats me with such disrespect in front of my children? I don’t even want to think about what gets said behind my back, but judging by their behaviour after they have been to his place I can only imagine. I have been warned not to badmouth their father as it will boomerang, so for all of you, who do make your ex bad in front of your children, stop it immediately. Your children will grow up and if your ex is really as bad as what you say, they will eventually figure it out themselves. Do not run the risk of destroying your relationship with your children, just so you can get your knife in as well. It is not always easy, but learn to shut your mouth when little ears are in the vicinity.

Sleep time is another problem. My children already go to sleep an hour later than normal. My ex insists they go sleep at 21h00 weekdays, but I don’t believe that. Not when I have seen with my own eyes him putting a movie on at 21h10 on a Wednesday night. How he can expect them to concentrate when they go sleep so late during the week only he will know. I however have no proof and therefore I will have to leave it at that.

I have started to curb my children’s time in front of the TV and PlayStation games as well. My ex tells me he does the same, but once again I find that hard to believe when all the children ever do is play games and watch movies. This coming from my children, I will again give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you are in the same situation as I am, the best you can do is be the best mother/father you can be, be consistent in your discipline and values, be a good example to your children, spend as much time as you can with them and love them to bits. Stop trying to be a father (in my case) and a psychologist. You will never know all the answers, you will never be perfect and you will never be able to protect your children against everything, all the time. I had to learn to allow God to look after my children when they are with my ex. A lot of the things my ex does I don’t agree with and 3 years ago he would have agreed with me on those matters. However he has to justify his actions and therefore we will not come to agree on certain things any more. If I have to sit here and worry about my children’s safety, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I will surely go nuts. My solution: To leave them in God’s hands. When I remember to do that I have peace. When I take over, my world starts to fall apart and bitterness and anger starts to become part of my life again.

For your own sake, forget about what’s going on when the children is with your ex and make the best of the time you have with them. In the long run your dedication to your believe system and values will pay off and will equip your children to be the well balanced adults I pray they will be one day.