From Love To Hate.

How sad that two people can start of loving each other and end that love affair absolutely hating and despising each other. It has gone from “You will always be the love of my life”, said to me during the course of last year to “You stupid f*@king bitch” and “I HATE YOU” as reasontly as yesterday.  The saying “there is a thin line between love and hate” has made me wonder if this extremely violent and abusive reaction of my ex to just about anything I do these days, might mean that he still have tender feelings for “the love of his life”. After all it was him that said a very long time ago that as long as you feel hate for someone it means you are still emotionally involved with that person. Too bad my emotions have flat lined where he is concerned. I feel neither hate nor love for him.  I feel a lot of disgust in what he has become, but no love or hate. 

Our love/hate relationship started because he was giving me hope while continuing his affair with his mistress. When I confronted him with it telling him I am sick and tired of his lying and the emotional games he was playing with me, (you see at that time I still hoped we could restore our marriage), he eventually got a protection order against me, supposedly to protect his new relationship from me. I told him it was to protect himself from all his lies. I asked him to let it go, but he didn’t and that caused a lot of tension between us. I was shocked that he could do something like that and didn’t even want to defend myself. However I decided that I will not let him tarnish my good name and went to defend myself. First time ever I had to defend myself in court. The case got thrown out, so it speaks for itself. He even admitted to the judge that he still have feelings for me. That day when I walked out of that court my feelings for him died permanently.

After that I had to endure regular insults re my ability to be a mother, he threatened to have my children removed, screamed at me when he came to fetch the children, to the embarrassment of myself, my children and all the neighbours that had to listen to his tirades. I tried to keep contact to the minimum, only speaking to him about the children. Then one afternoon he force my crying 4 year old into his car (she wanted to stay with me that night, but he had them for the last part of the holiday and what he wants, he gets), only to leave her two hours later with his mistress while he went to his own flat. After they kept me from speaking to her I went to the police. That was the first time ever I went to the police. When I was told that I could go fetch her, as she was supposed to have been in his care and she wasn’t, his mistress not only ignored my phone calls but when I got to her home she let the dogs out, preventing me from entering her property. You also smell something fishy? Eventually he got there and I left after he assured me that he was going to stay the night. Later I had to find out he left his car there in case I decided to come back and took her daughter’s car and went home again. Now you tell me what kind of a father does stuff like that?

Eventually we ended up signing an agreement to the effect that we will consult each other if we cannot take care of our children ourselves. Unfortunately it wasn’t quite two weeks before he broke that agreement and left the children with her while he went on night shift. He himself said it did worry him to leave the kids alone with her, because they do live in an area which is known for house robberies and he admitted that they can’t arm the alarm system when the children are there. That is if there really is an alarm system. He’s lying so much I honestly do not know what to believe anymore.  Just over a year ago her husband was murdered in that same house during a robbery, probably in the very same bedroom they are sharing now.  It gives me the creeps knowing that my children have been in that room. Can you see my concerns? I at least want a man there during the night.

Two weeks after the last incident I caught him lying to me again about working night shift after I specifically asked him two days before whether he is working night shift or not. I confronted him and after some seriously rude and slanderous comments and insults, (which I’m considering taking further, if I cannot make that kind of statements it is only fair that he can’t either) I was told that social services will come get the kids that night. I knew he was just trying to scare me, but what made me angry is that he said he will phone my 9 year old son and explain why they will be taken away. I could not believe that he could be so cruel as to put my son through that kind of emotional torment. I had to explain to my son what his father wants to do and tell him that it is not true and that he mustn’t get upset about it. It’s one thing to be cruel to me, but when you touch my children you are barking up the wrong tree. It just tripled the disgust I felt for him. Now I am supposed to let my children think he is this wonderful man. How the hell am I supposed to do that?????? Thank God my children are growing up and will soon recognise him for what he is. I never thought I would wish my children big, but I do because while they are so small they have no defence against his manipulation. At least when they are bigger they can decide for themselves. I shudder to think what the conflict between him and me are and will still do to our children emotionally. I wonder if his mistress and him can still justify their affair with “the kids will be fine”??????????

After our little incident he became even more spiteful and refused to pay my maintenance as agreed. He is trying to spite me but he forgets that that money was supposed to pay the children’s day care and aftercare. He also forgets that I have a Heavenly Father looking after me and that I have learnt a long time ago that I cannot depend on his word for anything. Once again God provided, so frankly he can stuff his maintenance. To be honest he must have re-evaluated his very dire situation and decided to pay his maintenance as agreed, so I did get the payment this morning.

This last incident left me with the question of whether to let him continue to manipulate me or whether to stand up for my rights and take him to court. However there are the children to consider. Do I really want to put them through a court case, just because their father has proved himself unreliable? Do I really want to have him arrested for not paying his maintenance on time? On the other hand he was willing to have me arrested for fighting for our relationship and the unity of our family. Will going to court make him grow up and take his responsibilities seriously or is it too late for him to grow up at all. Isn’t his present behaviour just a sign of a little boy that never learnt to stand on his own two feet? Can a two year old stop throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way? Is it possible for an emotionally insecure man to suddenly start believing in himself?

Point is what will be the best for the children? My mind says that we should keep things as normal for them as possible, but at the same time I realised that his continued disregard for the court order cannot be allowed to continue. The court order and agreement between us are there to stabilise things between us, but as long as he does as he pleases there can be no stability between us and therefore also not for our children. The Bible clearly states that you should obey the laws of your country. Isn’t sticking to the court agreement obeying the law of this country re divorce? So maybe in the end it will be in the best interest of our children to go to court. Thank God I can ask Him to help me make that decision, knowing that if I have to go ahead He will be there every step of the way, just like He was there with the protection order case. Right before that case God confirmed several times that He will protect me from the evil deeds brought against me and that justice will prevail, I have no doubt in my mind that He will do it again.
I really want this unpleasantness to stop. I would like to sort things out in a civil way, but how do you do that with someone that has no regard for the law and does exactly as he pleases. Everyone tells me the divorce agreement is there to keep things civil, but then I suppose that can only happen if both parties are willing to stick to it. He is under the misconception that he will have the upper hand in court, but he hasn’t done his homework very well. So no I don’t want to take this to its ugly end, but then I might not have a choice. A year ago I would have been dead scared, but thanks to his underhanded tactics and lying and my newfound trust in an Almighty and just God, I am now ready and willing to take this thing to the end. He still doesn’t understand to what lengths a mother will go to protect her children, even if it is their father they need protection from. Well he will soon find out just exactly how much he doesn’t understand the concept of a mother’s love.

Ladies and gents sometimes you have to be willing to take things to its ugly conclusion in order to find some peace. It might be daunting and very unpleasant, but if the cause is worth it, then it is worth fighting for it and my children are worth every single minute I will spend in court. Sometimes I wish he would just disappear, but I won’t be so lucky, so I guess once again I will find out what a strong person I am. I know in the end justice will be for me, because a person that lies the whole time can’t keep up with his lies and sooner rather than later he will slip up and hang himself. The noose is already around his neck, all I have to do is wait for him to tighten it and step of the chair. He made the wrong choice three years ago and in his arrogance he thought he will be exempt from taking responsibility for that choice. It is as Bono said once: “If you are a Christian you will have to deal with God’s justice and if you are not you will still have to deal with Carma. I would rather deal with God’s justice”. Either way what you sow, you will reap. My ex chose to sow evil instead of good, so I guess he can only expect to reap evil. At one time I wanted God to crush him, because I hated him, now crushing him might be the only way to save his soul. Soon the wheel will be spinning out of control and I can only hope for the sake of my children that he will then accept God’s hand. I know God has already sent His Angels to draw a wall around my children and me and thanks to a dear friend I can now feel that wall even if I can’t see it. I hope that one day my ex will also experience the peace of God’s wall around him.