YOU CAN SURVIVE DIVORCE!

On 27 September 2012, an unknown judge in an unseen court room dissolved my marriage of almost 19 years and a friendship of almost 21 years. A couple of signatures and an official stamp or two and my husband walked away from his responsibilities as a husband and father as if they were never there. Incredible that an event that took almost a year to plan and almost a day to realise, took probably no more than 10 minutes to be made null in void.

That is unfortunately the reality for so many people and children today. Only 30% of the children at my son's school are growing up with both their parents in one house. Then we wonder why our society is so sick?

I never wanted this for my children, but at the same time I am so thankful for how my life has changed since my divorce. At the moment the reality hits home I am sure no one can imagine any good coming from a divorce, but trust me there's a lot of good that can come out of a divorce. Depending on your attitude a lot of bad can also come from a divorce and then I am sorry but you will end up a bitter and angry person. You can crawl out of that hole of initial anger, betrayal, bitterness and depression or you can sink deeper into it. The one way leads to freedom and the other to a prison of your emotions and circumstances. A long time ago someone told me emotions are good, it's what you do with it that is bad.

So you see it all depends on how you deal and if you deal with the negative feelings of a divorce. It's not easy but everyday gets better, until one day you get up and realise the fight with your emotions are over. You get up and for the first time in forever you hear the birds singing outside, the sun seems to be shining brighter, there's a spring in your step and a song in your heart and you realise you are free. Free from the hurt, depression, anger, bitterness and fear. You look at yourself in the mirror and your eyes are shining, your hair has seen the inside of a salon again and you realise you are your old self again. Not the same person who stood in front of the pastor so many years ago, also not the person who lost herself in her marriage, but a different you. A you with more confidence and a path with more direction ahead of you. For the first time in forever you feel like you know yourself and are your own boss again. 

Healing comes in stages and with every stage, you close the door on a part of those negative feelings and open the door, sometimes hesitantly, on a part of you, you have forgotten about. It's a journey full of ups and downs, but a journey never the less worth travelling, if life gives you no other choice.

I hear of so many people being forced to travel the road of divorce who never quite make it to the end. They get stuck in an emotional pit of hate, bitterness and un-forgiveness, never really able to let go of the past hurts. My heart goes out to these people, but in the end you can and must look at yourself for the answers. If you allow the hurt and disappointment to harden your heart it will not end well for you. You will be stuck in a life full of negatives. For every step you go forward you will eventually take two backwards. 

Revenge is such an ugly thing but I think for most people who have been forced into a divorce, it is the one thing you want to have. I wanted it too, but I realised it will drive me crazy. As much as I wanted to see my ex suffer for what he did to me and my kids, I also had to accept the fact that I may never see him pay for what he did. The Bible tells us that revenge is for God and you know what? It is the truth. Wanting revenge will destroy you in the end. It eats at you until it consumes your whole being. With it comes bitterness and a bitter person cannot forgive. If I learnt anything in the last 3 years, it is to forgive quickly. Yes to forgive someone, means to choose to live with the consequences of what another person did to you, but is also means freedom from what was done to you. You might not have had a choice in your divorce, but you do have a choice not to allow your divorce to ruin the rest of your and your children's lives.

You want to get through a divorce; accept that you cannot force someone else's will. Make the choice to forgive. Surround yourself with true friends. Listen to good advice and get rid of the bad ones. Look after yourself. Take time out. Accept that change is inevitable and learn to embrace it. Allow yourself to cry, but do not allow self-pity. Un-complicate your life. Less is more. Get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself again. Help someone less fortunate. Learn to listen more and talk less. Be thankful. Learn to enjoy your own company. Start a hobby. Learn to ask for help. Do not isolate yourself. Take life one day at a time. When you fail do not condemn yourself, instead get up and try again. If there are children involved, just be their mother/father. Don't try and be both. Keep a diary and always be honest with yourself.

Last but not the least; make the effort to get to know God. You will probably survive without God, but you won't live freely without God. God's principals are what keep me going in the right direction, His love is what sets me free and His care is what takes away my fears. His grace allows me to be His child and that is all I want to be. Whatever lies ahead I know that I will never ever be alone again. No problem is too big or small for God and with that knowledge I can get up every day and smile no matter what my circumstances are. For sure I have felt like giving up, but the knowledge that God is with me have always pulled me out of whatever situation I have found myself to be in.

God is love and when you allow His Spirit in you, you learn to love again. Forgiving becomes easy.  Fear of the unknown gets less and less the more you put your trust in God. Your life stabilises. The ground under your feet becomes solid Rock instead of shifting sand. Your emotions don't rule you anymore. You learn that no matter what, you will get through it because God is in control and He loves you and will never let you slip out of His Hands.  Even now when I want to panic I remind myself that God is in control and He always stills my fears. He gives me a peace and tranquillity that nothing and no one else can give me and in a world full of chaos He is my only true Anchor.

It is only when you get stretched that you get to know how flexible you really are. It is only when you are weak that you get to know how powerful God is. I accept that God allowed my divorce to happen because I stepped out from under His protection of my own free will. Without my divorce I never would have come home to God. It is so easy to blame God for our mistakes and choices. So many times I hear people ask: “How can a good God allow such a bad thing to happen to me?” Yes I do believe God wanted to stop my divorce from happening, but I also know I did not want to see the warning signs He constantly showed me. In a sense it was like a parent who warned his child, but the child did not listen. We’ve all been there. So we allow our children to make mistakes and allow them to take responsibility for the consequences of those mistakes because we love them and want them to become balanced adults, but at the same time we never leave them, always keeping an eye on them. Why is it then so difficult for us to believe that God can and will allow us to take responsibility for the wrong choices we make? I learnt a very painful lesson, but at the same time I also learnt that God's Word is there for our protection.

At first I could not see the mistakes I made in my marriage. When I say mistakes I really mean how far I drifted from the principles of what God declared a marriage should be like. According to me it was all, my husband's fault. After all he did have an affair, but the more I got to know God's Word the more I realised that I wasn't blameless in my marriage. I wasn't aware of what I did because I did not know the Word of God, but ignorance is no excuse. You cannot blame the pole for walking into it, because you did not see it. If you step out from underneath the umbrella, it is your own fault if you get wet.  Just so you cannot blame God for your messed up marriage/life, because you did not know His principals. The more I get to know His Word, the more I understand why it is good. Also you cannot blame your spouse alone. No one is perfect. It takes two to tango. Instead of seeing your spouse’s faults, rather turn around and look at yourself. Your spouse will have to take responsibility for his/her own mistakes. You may not see it, but belief me he/she will.

Whether we like it or not, God is our parent. Just like things will go bad for a rebellious child, things will also go bad for rebellious children of God. When your spouse left you he/she rebelled against his/her Father. If you allow bitterness and un-forgiveness to come into your life as a result of your divorce you are also rebelling against your Father. In our physical world continued rebellion will eventually lead to prison. Just so continued spiritual rebellion will lead to spiritual prison. Speak to any prisoner who got to know and accept God as his Father and he will tell you that no physical bars can imprison his spirit. You do not have to allow divorce to become your prison. You may not have much hope now, but that is what God gives you. He gives hope and eventually healing and wholeness. 

I could have chosen to rebel against my circumstances, but thank God I didn't and today 3 long years later I can truly say I am healed, whole and free. Divorce might be the end of your marriage, but it could also be the beginning of a whole new life. It all depends on you!