The day my divorce got finalised I walked into the house that night and it struck me that now I am completely alone. My family and friends are wonderful, but they have their own life's to live. At the end of the day I go to bed alone with no one to share my day with. I was already use to it, but now it was final.
I suddenly had this unending list of responsibilities. I had to make sure the doors are locked at night, that the children gets fed and bathed, that their stuff is ready for school the next day, ectr. I used to do all those things in the past, but now I had no back-up any more. Things my ex use to do, like fix things and help with the car, suddenly became my problem. A couple of mornings my car didn't want to start and I had to rely on my children's ability to push start the car. They could hardly get the car moving, let alone fast enough for a running start. I had to make another plan.
Then there's the financial worries. After I let the take away go, I started a business from scratch, which wasn't easy considering the state of the country's economy. My family helped so much that I started feeling guilty asking for help, but I had no choice. I had no income for almost 4 months, except the maintenance which didn't even cover half of my rent. Getting a cheaper place wasn't an option, because there were no cheaper places and I refused to put my children in a bachelor flat. There were days when I had to fight to NOT be overwhelmed by fear.
So many possible scenarios played out in my head. What if the children got hurt. For a while I became so obsessed with their safety, that I completely smothered them. What if someone tries to break in. How will I handle it. A 100 000 what ifs and a 100 000 possible answers and I alone had to make the right decision. No one to run it by and discuss it with. Something as simple as putting a rain spider out became MY problem. I have an intense dislike of spiders and yes we don't kill them, we put them outside. That use to be my ex's job with me and the children directing things from a safe distance. Now it was my job with the children directing things from a safe distance. At times I could only sit and cry, because I simply did not have all the answers and frankly I was to tired to bother anymore.
On top of all of this I still had to recover emotionally. I had to keep it together when at times all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and die. I didn't want to sleep, I just wanted everything to go away. The thought of my children kept me sane on those days, made it possible for me to throw of the duvet and get up again. I don't believe in suicide, but I have to admit that there were times when I thought it would be better if God would just let me die.
I started going to a cell group and one night I voiced my fears. Our leader then said something I will forever carry with me. He said that God wants us to bring everything to Him. He told us of a couple of problems he tried to solve by himself. He was unsuccessful until he realised he doesn't have to deal with it alone. He started taking his problems to God FIRST and not once did he not get an answer. He realised that he had to start doing this with everything in his life.
I already came a long way regarding my relationship with God, but I was still an infant. I haven't yet excepted my identity in Christ and I tended to want to do things on my own. Usually with disastrous results. It caused a lot of frustration and anxiety in my life. That night I decided that if I am not willing to put my complete trust in God, I might as well leave it. I had to start living by faith and not by sight. A pastor at my church said that you must be willing to drown in order to live. That night I decided to give up the fight and drown.
Being a reborn christian is difficult if you are a person that need to be on top of everything. You have to learn to let go and trust in Someone else. Trust was already an issue for me and now I had to trust in Someone I couldn't even see. Once again God leaves the choice up to us. Don't we have an amazing God. He gave us a choice in everything we do.
I made the choice and haven't looked back since. Worry use to control me, now I don't even know how to spell the word anymore. I have had less than 10cents in my purse and still I had food on the table, petrol in my car, a roof over my head, my children have clothes to wear and I still managed to pay off my debt every month. I'm not saying we live royally, but I have learnt to be thankful for what I have. I have seen people live in victory, that have a lot less than I have. I have learnt to share the little I have and God has bless me abundantly. All God asked was obedience to His Word and faith in Him and not in people.
The day I got that right a load the size of Mount Everest fell of my shoulders. Do you have any idea how much freedom and peace there is in trusting God. In the past year God showed me that He is my Healer, my Provider, my Companion, my Friend, my Security, my Judge, my Everything. Looking back at my life before the affair I realised how much I trusted in man for my needs and how little I trusted in God for them. I can honestly say that since I started trusting in God for my needs, I have not once been disappointed. It wasn't always easy to believe in something you cannot see or know will happen and at times God kept me waiting, but He also promised that if we keep the faith, not only will He provide, but we will be better and more mature people for it.
Mature I did. I just handle things differently nowadays. Things like impatience, worry, losing my temper, wanting to be in charge, is 99% something of the past. Believe me I have my days, but it doesn't control my life anymore. I have become more confident, going out and making friends, allowing people into my life and sharing things with them. At my church they believe in the value of families, not only your own but also your church family. I have found a family where I can feel safe to share my problems, a family that won't only help you but also help protect your heart and emotions. They have shown me what a Godly family looks like. The warmth and love I have received from these strangers, they came into my life and immediately drew a circle of protection and love around me and my children, is something out of this world. That is exactly what it is, OUT OF THIS WORLD. These people have embraced the Spirit of God and allowed God to come into their hearts and take over their life's and to me who was a stranger to that, it was as clear as daylight that there was something different about them. I saw it and I wanted what they had. They had God. That's all that was different. They have the same problems and daily struggles I have, but they have God and that makes all the difference. I still have a lot of maturing to do, but I have come to the conclusion that what I have now I will exchange for nothing this world can ever offer. I am a practical person with trust issues and I needed proof. However God cannot be bought. He is in charge and He makes the final decisions. You do not make deals with God. You make the decision to follow Him and then you make the decision to trust in Him. Once you have done that, you learn to walk in His power and then you thank and praise God that He has changed your life
Do not tell me how big the storm is, tell me how big my God is.
No comments:
Post a Comment