- A firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something.
- Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation.
- The state of being responsible for someone or something.
Now in the case of adultery the fundamental foundation for the relationship for both the wife and the mistress is one of betrayal. According to the Oxford dictionary betrayal is:
- To be gravely disloyal to someone or something.
- Treachery – Guilty of or involving betrayal or deception, also a “cheat” or to “cheat”.
To clarify the above mentioned statement re betrayal:
In the case of the wife it is obvious. Her husband is a liar and a cheat and has betrayed the sacred vows they have made in front of God on their wedding day. The reverse is true if the husband is the one being betrayed.
In the case of the mistress/lover it is maybe not so obvious, but never the less true. The whole relationship is based on a lie and therefore betrayal plays a big role in their union. The adulterer very often does not only lie to his wife, but also to his mistress. (Again the reverse is true if the adulterer is a woman.) Also both the adulterer and the mistress are involved in betraying the innocent party, they are in essence both cheats. Very often promises are being made to the mistress that the adulterer has no intentions of keeping. You must remember she is only an escape. As soon as the rescue boat arrives she will also see the back of him. Of course it does help if the mistress herself can get some kind of a hold on the adulterer. It will keep him for longer in her bed, but in the end it will only prolong the inevitable. His emotions are running the show and his actions will depend on how he feels at a specific time. When you are being kept in a relationship with very few choices, resentment will eventually show its ugly head. Furthermore the relationship is built on a fantasy, thereby betraying the authenticity of the relationship. Also because the adulterer has already betrayed the trust of one person, chances are he/she will do it again, so there can be no lasting trust between two people involved in an affair.
That is then probably why so many mistresses turn out feeling even less secure than the betrayed wife felt, as is the case with my ex’s mistress. Can you imagine the arrogance of my ex asking me to please take into consideration, when I deal with her, that his mistress is feeling extremely insecure. As if I could care less about the state of her security in their relationship, doesn’t she after all know she is involved with a man that has already proved that he cannot be trusted. He has walked out on his firstborn and his mother, now his has walked out on me and my kids and then there are the countless times in between where I gave him the benefit of the doubt when other women were involved. This was most likely not the first time he cheated on me, I just didn’t want to face the truth of who my ex really is. A friend of mine said that a person’s “pedigree” will always show eventually and I guess that is true.
To make matters worse, it is not only the adulterer that betrays the innocent partner and the children, but very often many more people are involved in this one act of betrayal. There are the friends that suddenly stop calling or visiting. People you visited with once a week and suddenly they’re gone, never to be heard from again. So many people and acquaintances will accuse you with their attitude, as if you were the one that did something wrong. To go through a divorce is not only painful, but very often extremely humiliating.
Then there are the in-laws. These are people that knew you almost and sometimes better than your own family. In my case it wasn’t just the fact that they almost never phoned, but also that my ex’s mistress was given the go ahead barely 2 month after he moved out. Although I was reassured that I will always be part of the family, their actions proved differently. It was very painful to suddenly not be part of holidays and visits anymore and be treated as a sort of afterthought. I was sent photos of their holidays spend with my children and my ex and his mistress, which only proved to remind me that I wasn’t part of the family anymore. I knew they were in a difficult position, but what my ex did was wrong and after 20 years of friendship I guess I expected a bit more loyalty. Some of my in-laws haven’t even bothered to phone and say sorry about what happened. I got a lot of lip service, but the way I felt it did nothing for me. Strangers were more there for me than they were. Not once did they even ask if we still had a roof over our heads or food on the table, after all their brother and son walked out and left us with nothing. We might have just as well not have existed anymore. Like I said if it wasn’t for my family and total strangers, my children and I would have been out on the street begging for food and sleeping in the doorway of a shop. I am not angry, but very sad that I have lost family and friends due to the selfish act of one man that had no self-control and couldn’t keep his basic instincts under control. Besides the fact that I found God and myself again, there is not one positive thing that came from his affair, not even for himself and I think he is slowly but surely starting to realise it. It is just a pity that it will be way too late for him when he eventually will be willing to admit it, IF that will ever happen. Pride and greed are 2 very powerful bondage's.
I suppose it is in situations like this that you find out who your friends really are. Friends are the people that look out for you when you are in no condition to do it for yourself, the people that are honest with you even if it hurts and the people you can always depend on to be there for you. In the past year I have found more true friends than I ever had in all the years of my marriage and I thank God every day for their presence in my life. I pray that I will be as much of a blessing to them, than they have been to me. Sussa you, my church mom and my coffee buddy, are very much appreciated by me.
You kept me sane, when I was going crazy
You made me laugh, when all I wanted to do was cry
You gave me love, when no one else did
You gave me wings, when I was grounded.
I love you guys.
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