I thought about that question so often in the beginning and had no answers. Walking the path with God started giving me the answers. I could do what my ex did and climb into his character and write down inflated, untrue and over exaggerated statements about him. Maybe a year ago I would have, but that's no longer me. The anger, resentment and bitterness that's still a part of his life, I gave to God. This is however my reasons for the breakdown of our marriage and he probably will feel completely different about it. That is however his right.
1. We started wrong. We moved in with each other and that is wrong in God's eyes. I don't care what the world's views are, it's wrong period. As children we were taught it's wrong and I ignored the teachings of my parents and I paid the price.
2. We both came into the relationship with unresolved issues re previous relationships. We both had partners that cheated on us and we had not dealt with the pain and feelings of rejection that we were left with. We looked to each other for happiness, when in ourselves we weren't happy. I have learnt the hard way that no other person can make you happy, only God can do that for you.
3. My ex had unresolved issues re his past. He grew up in a very unstable house hold. His parents were in a sense never there for him and that left him a very insecure person, from there the masks he always wore and is still wearing. It drove me crazy seeing one person in private and a completely different one in public, but I learnt to live with it. He also had trust issue even though he desperately tried to hide it. He never completely opened up to me and that in turn gave me trust issues with him. That together with the fact that he thrived on the attention of woman, made me feel very insecure. He never made an effort to understand that and accused me of being jealous on several occasions. So much so that I eventually went for counselling. I know now that in a godly marriage your partner should never make you feel less than absolutely special.
4. I had these pre-conceived ideas of the roles men and women should play in a marriage. The man is primarily the breadwinner and the wife the mother and homemaker. I know in today's life that's not always possible . Reversal of the roles sometimes is a necessity, but then it must be a reversal and not a situation were one partner ends up having to do everything. I'm sorry to say but in our case that is exactly what happened. My ex had 7 jobs in the first 10 years of our marriage. Keeping a job just wasn't a priority to him, so I ended up becoming the main breadwinner. On top of that I was left to do the homemaking part as well. Managing our finance came to me as well, because he had no interest in it, except when he accused me of mismanaging our finances. There were never enough and he wanted me to make sure we had money for fun, while I felt we needed to pay our debts. We started making debt, which we couldn't pay back and that resulted in us having a lot of fights over money. I know now that debt makes you a slave and should be avoided at all cost.
5. I have a strong personality and because my ex didn't claim the headship of our house hold I eventually did. I hated having to fulfil that role and it made his issues with insecurity worse. It made him feel less than a man. Eventually years later when he did want to claim that role, I was so use to doing things my way, that it was very difficult to give the power over to him. I also didn't trust him to stick with it, so I was always interfering with decisions he wanted to make. I wasn't in the mood to have to later clean up his mess.
6. He always had health problems which caused work problems and I was fed up with it. Most of his problems was simply because he just didn't look after himself. I felt like his mother instead of his wife. That is probably partly why he is involved with an older woman now. He needed someone to look after him and I wanted someone to look after me.
7. On top of everything, the house and children were mostly my responsibility. Having a job myself, that became quite a challenge. My resentment grew with every week that passed. I just never had anytime for myself and when he started accusing me of neglecting our sex life, it made me furious. I was so busy running around looking after the children and making his life comfortable, that I was simply to tired to think about sex at night. Talking to him about helping in the evenings fell on deaf ears, so things just got worse. It felt at times like there were a huge cliff between us and that reaching him was impossible.
God created marriage and therefore He should know what will work and what won't. In a godly marriage the man is the head of the family and he should claim that position. His family's spiritual, financial, emotional and physical well being is his responsibility. Making decisions re these issues is his responsibility. The wife is his helper and should subject herself to him. Now today a lot of woman would say, no way. I am my own boss, I work just as hard and rightly so. The Bible also says that the husband should love his wife as he loves himself. In my opinion the problem comes in when the husband doesn't claim his position as head of the family. That together with his love for his wife, has to generate respect for him from his wife. If she respects him, she will value his opinions and decision. She will feel safe in the knowledge that she can trust him to do what is good for the family. In my situation my ex did not claim his position as head of our family and by the time he did it was too late. He didn't take responsibility for our family's well being and in turn I didn't respect him and I didn't trust him to do what was best for our family. You see why love alone in the end just isn't enough to keep two people together. Being the strong headed person I was, I took over. Maybe if I did give him a chance things would have worked out, but most probably judging from experience my family would have still been looking for me under the pile of crap he left as his legacy.
I want to get married again, but this time I will wait for God. This time I will make sure that first and foremost my new husband will be a man of God. I need to be able to speak to my husband about God. Second I will look for someone that knows his position in the house hold. I never ever want to be responsible for the "well being" of my family again. Women were made to support and love their husbands and to mother their children.
Lastly I want to say something about soul ties. Soul ties are spiritual bonds that develop in the soul realm of two people who have a relationship involving a covenant. Covenants between two people are not just agreements, they always have spiritual implications. The marriage is a covenant and when two people in a marriage have sexual relationships they not only join their flesh, but also their souls. This is called godly soul ties. Gen 2:24
One example of an ungodly soul tie, is the sexual soul ties. When two people become sexually involved outside of marriage ie in pre- or extramarital affairs, a spiritual bondage, called a sexual soul tie is formed. This is why even though you have broken up physically, you sometimes still feel emotionally tied to a person. Soul ties can be bridges for the transference of both good and bad spirits. The Bible says sexual union makes two people one and according to covenant principles, that means what belongs to the one belongs to the other. What it means is when you have formed ungodly soul ties, you have opened yourself up to the transference of demons that have indwelt the soul of the other person you had sex with. It leaves a spiritual doorway open through which demons can move between two people. If you now have another relationship with someone else, you open up the doorway to the soul of the third person and so it goes on. Basically it means that if you do not break these ungodly soul ties, when you do get married, it is not just you that climb into bed with your wife/husband, but all the other partners you formed soul ties with, as well as all the demon spirits attach to them.
Some people may think this is bull. I myself was sceptical at first, but after what I experienced I will never ever have an ungodly sexual relationship again and if the men in my life don't like it, that is just too bad. Only after my godly, as well as my ungodly soul ties with my ex were broken, could I free myself emotionally from him. For someone recovering from a divorce, being able to free yourself emotionally from your ex partner is the greatest thing that can happen to you. Then you really can start to heal and move on with your life.
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