After my divorce things between my ex and me went from bad to worse. I can see how unhappy he is and although he admitted to me that he is burning all his bridges, he is stuck in a place he can't get out of or is too scared to get out of. I had lost my respect for him, not because he had an affair, we all make mistakes, but because of the things he did and said after I found out. The way he treated our children, choosing his comfort above what they needed. Allowing his mistress to dictate his time with our children and then accusing me of not giving him time with them. The threats and accusations, that I was emotionally unstable and that he would take them away from me. Threatening me with interdicts and child advocates, when he didn't get his way.
Although he is paying maintenance, he is paying less than he is suppose to and also not according to the divorce settlement. The times I tried to talk to him about it, I was told that I should take him to maintenance court and then he will just say "he can't afford to pay". I am left with the choice of letting things be and seeing my children go short or taking him to court and risk losing what I am getting at the moment. Like my lawyer said, at least I'm getting something.
To all the ladies who are reading this, if this sounds familiar to you, relax. I ended up going to a social worker, because I was fed up with his threats and I found out it's not that easy to have your children taken away from you. They thrive on scarring you and if that does not work they start with their false accusations. A friend of mine went through almost exactly the same thing, the accusations and threats were the same. I am talking from my own and several of my friends experiences, but I want to point out that this is not the case with all fathers. Sometimes the mothers are the ones doing the threatening and accusing.
The financial issues in a divorce regarding maintenance will forever be a sore point. Unfortunately some men will always find a way to avoid their financial responsibilities and I salute those men who don't. To all those men I want to say, most women are not out to get you, we are just single mothers trying to give our children the best and we are thankful for the fathers who do take their financial responsibilities seriously. Unfortunately some fathers will always see paying maintenance as a priviledge and not the RIGHT it is suppose to be. You helped make that child and if you can stand on your right to see them, then you should also stand on your RIGHT to look after them financially. Too many mothers are left having to fend for themselves because the fathers just couldn't care less. I have experienced first hand the difficulty of having to start from scratch, because my husband and father of my children didn't take the promise he made on our wedding day seriously and didn't put any value to the responsibility he undertook the day we decided to have children.
Our children did not ask for what they got. They do not deserve to have to grow up without having a full time father. My children have asked me on several occasions when will I get them a daddy who will be here all the time, someone they can play with. A friend of mine's daughter said she is scared of getting married one day, because she does not want to go through a divorce. Her son told me he had lost his respect for his father. I have sat with my son while he was crying, because he misses his father. So many of my friends, husband's/ex's plain and simple do not pay maintenance and never bother te see their children. In a way I am lucky, because at least my ex pays some maintenance and he does see the children, even if it's at his convenience, or rather his lovers convenience. I have send my ex so many articles on the effects a divorce has on children, but he refused to read them. Justifying his unwillingness to try and restore our marriage by saying the children will be okay.
Well they are not! Both my children are seeing a play therapist at the moment. Different rules in two different house holds are confusing them. After they have been to my ex, I battle sometimes for 2 days to get some order back in my house. I am told he sits with the same thing, but he forgets that he only have them for 2/3 days at a time and then from his own admission they get spoiled. They are constantly faced with divided loyalties. My son started lying in order not to hurt our feelings, because he loves us both and wants to please us. A 9 year old should not have to sit with that kind of an emotional burden. My 4 year old complains of stomach aches, which the therapist confirmed is due to stress and still I am being told the children will be okay.
Yes they will be okay, because I WILL MAKE SURE that they come out of this well balanced adults, but that is not the point. Just because it has become the norm, doesn't mean adults can just walk away from their responsibilities because it suites them. I read something the other day a very old lady said regarding a question on how she and her husband got to be married for so long. Her answer was that they were born in a time when "if something got broke you fix it, you don't throw it away". It is a pity that so many people that have children today, have decided that it is okay to put their own selfish needs above the needs of their children to grow up in a house where parents have made their children's need for love and security their number 1 priority. That so many adults will throw it away instead of fixing it. We have a God given responsibility to our children, to teach them and love them and to MAKE our marriages work.
Love is an emotion and if we base the success of our marriages on that emotion alone,we will never succeed. No person can make you completely happy, only God can do that for you. You can jump from one relationship to another based on "being in love", but I will promise you that you will forever be unhappy. Marriage is a commitment and if you are not willing to take it seriously, you have no business getting married. If you rely on other people to make you happy, you have no business being in a relationship. You have to first be happy with only God before you can be happy with someone else. You have to know that if God is all you have, you have enough and then and then only will you be able to walk into a relationship and make a success of it. People will always disappoint you, but God will always be there for you.
So before you decide to get married, realise that first it's a commitment you make before God and is not to be taken lightly and second remember that your children's needs should always come first. If you are not willing to give up your own needs for your partner and children's, then turn around and get the hell out.
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