One Year Down The Line.

It has been just over a year that I have been on my own. Looking back I can honestly say the last year has been the worst of my life. I have never felt so lost and alone, have never been so hurt, have never felt more betrayed and have never been more disappointed in any human being. I have lost my husband and what I thought was my partner for life. I have lost the unity of my family. I have had to watch my children trying to come to terms with their father disserting us. I have lost my job and income. I have been left with a pile of debt. I have lost friends and family. I have had to start from scratch. Yes it has been the worst year of my life, but at the same time I can now say it has been the best year of my life.

I have found God and I am now in a relationship with Him. Sometimes it’s really good and other times it’s really bad, but always I know that God won’t walk out on me because He didn’t like something I did. I have found security, love, peace and joy. I had to start a new job which still isn’t easy, but I am now the owner of my own business. I have lost friends, but found more true friends in the last year than I have had in my whole life. I have lost family, but I have grown closer to my own family than ever before. I have lost my partner, but I have gained my independence and self-respect again.

Best of all, I have found myself again. Losing my husband, I was forced to stand back and look at my life. Re-evaluate who I have become and I didn’t like what I saw. Very little of the person who met my husband that first day on the beach, was left. I gave it all to him and unfortunately he didn’t appreciate it. I asked myself the question whether I really deserved to be with someone who didn’t love me for who I am. Sure enough I wasn’t always the easiest person to live with, but then neither was he, but I was ALWAYS loyal and ALWAYS faithful to him. Here was a man who didn’t know me well enough after 20 years to know that all I needed was his reassurance when I got jealous, his support when I felt insecure. All I ever wanted was for him to accept and love me for who I am. I would have walked to the moon and back for him and he couldn’t walk around the house for me.

At least once a week one of my children would ask me if I will take him back if he does so and so. Up until he dragged me in front of a judge, because according to him, his lover insisted on getting an interdict against me (I now believe that he is just too much of a coward to stand his man against her and that in his twisted mind he probably thought he was keeping a door open, for in case his new life crashes sooner than expected), I would have entertained the idea of trying again. I have come to realise that it would still be the old ****** and that he will probably do exactly the same to me in future. Now that he has run out on me and our children once, the second time will be a lot easier and where will I be then?

He is still the man that cannot face his problems, who chose financial security over his family and that walks around with masks on his face. At one time I felt sorry for him, having to go home and be alone and face who he really is, but I don’t feel sorry anymore. He knew what he was doing. He was living for the moment and probably didn’t consider all the consequences, but it’s not my problem anymore. If it didn’t turn out exactly as he hoped, he will have to learn to deal with it. I have put my life on hold for a year waiting for him to come to his senses. If he chose to give his life to God and allowed God to make him new, we would have had a chance, but he is still the man who thinks he doesn’t need anybody.

My sister told me in the beginning of this ordeal that I will be well on my way to a new life and he would still be stuck in his miserable little life of me, me, me. Guess what, she was right. He used to walk around telling me about all the life experience he had, well the only experience he has is of how to walk all over people in order to look out for nr 1. He doesn’t know the satisfaction of helping a complete stranger, or of giving of your time to teach children about God or the gratitude of someone because you did something without expecting compensation. He doesn’t know the joy of getting hugged by someone just because they care about you. He doesn’t know the joy of watching his children grow up (although in his state of denial he insist that he does). He doesn’t know the peace of walking by faith and not by sight. He doesn’t know God and in his arrogance he doesn’t want to know God. All he knows is how to lie and manipulate and the stress of having to pretend the whole time. All the toys his being bought with cannot make up for the fact that he has become a bitter, angry and lonely man who blames everybody, but himself, for the miserable situation he finds himself in. He made the choice and now he has to live with it.

I have had to adopt the right attitude. I could have allowed bitterness and hatred to take over my life, but that would only have left me miserable and alone. I could have given up, but I had two children and I found out I was stronger than what I thought. I could have blamed God for everything that happened and for a while I did, but thank God my eyes were opened. I now know it is not God, but us who choose what we do with our lives. I understand now that we live in a fallen world and sometimes bad things happen to good people. I understand that it was and still is God’s will to restore my family, but that my husband chose not to accept God’s help. I have accepted that and I know that if it is God’s will, He will send someone to me and my children who will take the responsibility God gave him seriously. It will be someone who will have a lot of God in him. Someone I can respect and who will love me and accept me for who I am. I am looking forward to meeting the man God has chosen for me and while I wait I will ask God to help me become a more mature Christian, so that I can be a godly wife to my new husband.

Life is all about the choices we make. So sure life treated you like crap and you did not deserve it. In the end you have a choice between believing the lies of satan or accepting your identity in Christ. You can carry on depending on yourself and others or you can drown for yourself and this world and LET GO AND LET GOD. If you are willing to let God take over and SUBMIT to His will for your life and live in obedience to His Word, He will turn your situation around into a VICTORY. You will get to the point where you will say thank you Lord for bringing this trial over my path. I am a better and stronger person for it. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. God knew in the end what was best for me and my children and I will keep on trusting Him to lead the way in future.