Forgiving, this is a difficult one. Two months after my ex moved out, I was told to forgive him, because God EXPECTS it from you. I sat there and thought how on earth can I forgive this man for what he did to our family. How can God expect me to forgive this man, didn't He understand the pain I'm feeling? At this stage I was falling between hate and hope, depending on my daily experiences with my ex. I wanted justice, I wanted God to keep His promise. He said He will justify the righteous. I wanted my ex to crash and burn. I didn't want to hear about forgiving him and on top of that blessing him as well. I didn't feel in the mood to bless anyone. I felt rejected by my ex, by his family and by our friends. Amasing how people just disappear when the crap hits the fan.
I was like a volcano, about to blow my top. I had no inner peace. I didn't want to be around people. Weekends when the kids went to visit him, I closed my door and curtains and cried until 16h00 the Sunday. Then I would get up and fix myself up and do what my ex always do, put my mask on. However I was never good at wearing mask, so most of the time I blew my top anyway. That made me feel worse, because God wanted me to feel the same love for this man, that He did and I just couldn't, doesn't matter how hard I tried. All I did was push my ex away from God, because I wasn't exactly a good example of what a christian should be like. I was walking in the flesh most of the time, instead of in the spirit.
It got to the point that by December 2012, I was so bitter and angry with God for allowing my ex to go on with his life while mine fell apart, that I could hardly function. I knew I was drifting again and this time in a bad bad way . I lived in constant fear. That is how satan operates, by making you fear things. When you fear, you don't live in faith. When you don't have faith, you have no hope and lots of anger and bitterness. No hope equals depression. If satan is really lucky, your depression gets so bad that you either shun God, because why would you want to be in a relationship with Someone that isn't there for you, or you end up swallowing pills and kill yourself. Either way another life/soul loss for the Gospel. Satan 1 - God 0. In Jan 2013 my ex decided to go visit his family at the last minute, over the peak holiday period in Jan. The roads would be busy as hell and my kids would be on those roads. I was paralised by fear that something was going to happen to them on the road. They were all I had left.
Once again after one phone call I sat with a friend. She told me that I needed to ask God's forgiveness for blaming Him for everything that happened in my life. I needed to stop wanting justice and I needed to forgive my ex and his mistress. I needed to let go and let God, but on His time and not mine. Revenge wasn't for me. God's justice will prevail, but not in any way I wanted it to happen. That day God came through for me in a way I have not experience before. After an hour with her, praying and talking, I felt the most amasing sense of peace. God don't always do things at the snap of a finger, but He knew I needed peace that day. Just like that all my fears were gone. A hour later I said goodbye to my kids and that night for the first time in months, I slept like a baby. I had my peace back.
I started reading, loved Neil T Anderson's books. He made me understand everything a lot better and he confirmed what I was being told by everyone that walked the path with me. I realised for the first time, that God knew about pain, after all he gave His son to be killed. He knew about injuctice, because wasn't Jesus completely innocent of the crimes He got crusified for. Talk about depression, who better to know depression than Jesus who had to take everyone's sins on him just before He died. Can you imagine what that amount of darkness can do to your soul. Who am I then to come and accuse God for not understanding what I was going through. To top it of He forgave me for everything I ever did and will still do. He wiped the slate clean when Jesus died for me. He said that He loved me so much that nothing can seperate me from Him, not even the sins I commit on a daily basis. His Grace and mercy was THAT much. How can I then not forgive anybody for anything they have done to and against me and then expect God to forgive me. I came to understand that when you give your life to God, HE MAKES the changes happen in you, not you yourself. On your own, you can do nothing and if you persist on trying by yourself, satan will eventually make you feel like a loser, which will lead to guilt and whoopy doo, satan's back on track in your life.
You need to understand that through God IN YOU, everything is possible You need to believe that Jesus is alive and has already defeited satan. You need to understand your identity in Christ. The day you say yes to God, you are already a winner through Him. You are Royalty, with a place already set for you in heaven. Everything Jesus was given, God has given to you, but you need to claim it in Jesus Name to be victorious in this life. God said "You don't have, because you don't ask." There is nothing we cannot asked, that is in line with God's Word, that He will not give us, if only we will ask.
So when God tells you to forgive, obey and He will give you the inner peace to be able to say one day, "I have truelly forgiven you and I bless you." and mean it. You just have to start the process by CHOOSING TO FORGIVE and God will in time do the rest. I have come to the understanding that due to my nature I will always sin, but that is not what qualifies me for a place in heaven. My belief in Jesus as my Savior does and once I confirm that belief, God will do the renewing in me. Every day despite my sins, I become more like Him and less like the sinner I was born to be. I will always be a sinner, but that doesn't mean I have to live my life in defeit and conform to satan's way of living. The truth will set you free. I am no longer a prisoner of the angel of light and all his lies, but a saint ready to make a stand against the forces of darkness, because I know my God already won the battle and I know the power I have in myself through Jesus in me. I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.
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