The 21st February 2012 was probably the worst day of my life. That's the day I found out my partner of 20 years and husband of 18, had feet of clay. The circumstances under which I found out, made it even worse. I had to go give my husband an alibi for the night his lover's husband got murdered. Right there in front of 3 detective I learnt that he had been having an affair with a woman he met on the internet for a year and 10months. Later he told me he met her on the internet and started having a physical relationship about 3 months later.
Not only was I shocked about the affair, but totally disgusted in the things he was doing. My kids and me actually sat with him while he was getting himself ready for these evenings, thinking he was on his way to go help a friend. Then there were the weekends he supposedly went fishing with her husband, while he stayed not 10km from us with her, two timing her husband. Many times I had to organise a baby-sitter to look after the kids on these weekends, because I was working while he was playing.
The hurt and sense of betrayal was unreal, like nothing I have ever experienced in my life before. I just couldn't believe that the man I gave my life to and stood by through thick and thin could do something like this. My youngest child was 1years old when he started with his affair. What kind of a man gets the destruction of his marriage on the way with his youngest being only 1 years old. What kind of a man can get himself ready to go to his lover, while having fun with his family doing it. What kind of a man comes home afterwards and then wants to make love to his wife.
Not only did I lose my trust in men, but he also made me lose my faith in myself as a woman. We were having problems in the bedroom. He always made me feel like it was my fault. In hind sight I realised it was his guilt and not my ability to satisfy him, that caused the problems, but the damage was done and it took me a long time to overcome that.
Thinking about it now, I should have thrown him out that same day I heard about his affair, but I loved him and I had two small kids to consider. Also he said he wanted to save our marriage. Just another lie I found out a month later, when I came across e-mails he has been sending her. Three days later he moved out, thanx to her generosity and his been living of her generosity ever since. I tried everything to safe our marriage, but in September we got divorce.
March until September 201,2 I was given subtle, but no sure promises that he wanted to safe our marriage. Plenty of excuses like he just couldn't at the time, or he was financially depended on her (since he started working for her and she was paying him just enough to keep him financially depended on her). Another one was that he committed himself to her and didn't want to be dishonest, that's a good one coming from a man who betrayed his wife for almost 2 years and was basically betraying his lover at the same time. Where was the commitment to his family? Every so often he would go alone with the kids and me somewhere or come to visit me on the sly, lying to her about where he was.
Eventually I got fed up and started making noises that I was going to tell her, it ended in him getting a protection order against me. That day while I sat in that court defending myself (by the way I won the case) against this man's lies, was the day I decided THAT'S IT. NO MORE, I have taken enough abuse from this man. I tried one last time and asked him to come talk to me. Again I heard the same old story, that he still loves me, but she was good to him and therefore he cannot try and safe our marriage, blah blah blah. If you ask me he just didn't want to let go of the "moneymaker". He did say during a fight we had one day, just before I found out about his affair, that if we ever break up he will make sure that he gets someone that will look after him financially and that he won't ever again struggle financially. I guess by that time he already had her in his sights.
A year and plenty of tears, hatred, betrayal, hurt, you name it, I felt it, later I can for the first time say I'm starting to live again. Someone said to me just after our divorce, that because of the choices he chose to make and based on his motivation for those choices, I will be having a new life while he will still be struggling in the pit he dug for himself. I can honestly say that while I am 99% over it, he hasn't even begun to admit his own part in the destruction of our marriage, let alone deal with all his feelings. Instead his talking about getting married and in the next sentence admitting that he doesn't even know IF he wants to move in with her.
Oh well if you want to make money your security in life, then you have to keep the bird laying the golden eggs happy. He drives her fancy car, wears the fancy jewelry and clothes she gives him, walking around with the fancy gadgets she buys him, probably feeling like THE man, while in actual fact his no one, with nothing, (can't even afford to buy his own food), on a trip to nowhere. Just a sugar mummy looking after her toyboy.
Thank God I can honestly say that even though I don't have much at the moment, what I do have now I worked for with honest labour, my money is mine, my time is mine and best of all my body and soul is mine (or God's if you like). I don't have to prostitute myself in order to APPEAR to be successful. I am free, while his lies, dishonesty, selfishness and greed has made him an eternal prisoner. Now I can look back and see 21st February 2012 as the best day of my life. The day I got my life back. Nothing worth it comes without pain and sacrifice and my freedom in the end was worth all the pain and sacrifice of the last year.
For all you ladies facing a divorce, remember it doesn't have to be the end of your life.
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